Friday, April 13, 2012

Overwhelmed by his Love and Grace

The past month has been a lot of humbling myself and seeing my character flaws. It's been hard and yet it's been somewhat incredible.

I can't describe it other than knowing when people find themselves in this place it's pretty amazing.

I have gone from a quiet, timid, shy girl that says prayers in her head to opening up and finally doing it outloud in front of a trusted friend.

I can say that honestly when I pray in my head it sounds ok, the second I spit it out, well it doesn't go the way I planned and it seems rather ackward, and untidy. I don't know if that makes sense.

In fact, the first time I prayed outloud my friend whom I asked to pray with me said "ok, but you have to start this time"........

Well talk about feeling out of place, scared, and anything uncomfortable feeling yup I had that feeling I am sure of it. I resisted, but she didn't give up. She held onto my hand and made me face it. I have to say that's what I love about her. She makes me face all those feelings that for so long held me back.

Anyways..... So finally I spit it out, I said a prayer that to me sounded horrid. (ok ok I hear you all, it wasn't horrid, that's the enemy speaking). She prayed next and cried tears of joy that I finally let go and turned to him.

Over the next month, we had many of these prayer obstacles in her car. And you know what? It's pretty freaking cool now. I love praying with her, with a few people and out loud alone. Praying doesn't feel so ackward anymore.

A few weeks ago I actually prayed for a friend at the studio before she gave her story on her sweet daughter Tayla, who passed away 2 years ago. Then last night a good friend/sister in Christ called me and asked me to pray for her/with her. And of course I felt a slight squeeze in my stomach, of "Will I be enough? Am I good enough?"

And I can answer that, YES I am ENOUGH, and I am GOOD ENOUGH!!!

How cool is that? I am slowly and surely stepping out of the boat on so many things lately, and more cool than that? He hasn't let me sink.........

I am so overwhelmed by his Love and Grace.

This isn't easy to face, it's so far from that. Facing my character flaws, of not feeling like I am enough for him, for others, that I am not good enough, loveable or deserving is so hard. I can't take a compliment for crap, I suck at it. But I AM working on it. I am better than I was.

Facing the fact, that all I need is my father, my savior and I will be complete is really hard. But I know its TRUE.

Sitting with feelings of uncomfortable-ness and knowing I don't have to jump and make decisions, that I can sit with it and be ok. Is REALLY hard too! I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl. If someone acts like I hurt them, or just upset. I would RUN, PUSH them AWAY. Because if I do it first, then I feel in control and I feel less hurt. When in reality, that's the biggest load of crap. I am still hurt and I am hurting myself.

So lately, I have had to confront myself with these flaws, and to sit with those feelings of hurt, abadondment, sorry, grief, fear which is the biggest. And know it will be ok, I will be ok. And if someone is not ok, that's ok too!

I have had to face the fact, that I am human. And I have made mistakes, and I WILL continue to make mistakes. I can face them, even if it sucks and I am scared out of my mind to admit to others these mistakes or even make amends when it's hard.

My father above has given me so much Grace...... I can only do the same for myself and for others.

I think the biggest thing he has set before me is the whole I am deserving, I am worthy and I am loved.

I never felt loveable, honestly I have always felt and still feel far older in apperance and in my heart because of the journey my life has taken.

I don't remember ever being that little girl who was born almost 31 years ago. I feel aged, old, un-loveable and so undeserving. And it's so scary to be here. To let others in, to be.... To really just be me. And be ok with me. Knowing who I am and being ok deep down in the inner pit of my being. And knowing they too can know me, and still love me.

Regardless of my past, my mistakes, my failures, my demons, my scars from others or myself. I am so WORTH it, DESERVING, and PRECIOUS.

And yet, I still stumble. I still get angry that God keep pushing all these things, flaws in my face to deal with. That he put this one woman in my life to love me, to push the crap out of me when it comes to working hard. I wish sometimes he would give me a break. I wish that he wouldn't use someone tangible to be in my face to love on me.

But then I sit and think, honestly at almost 31... He is pushing me so hard but in the end that's a few less years of work I will have to endure the hard stuff because he want's me to have freedom now.

God put this wonderful project in my path, it's not always easy I have to face my character flaws an awful lot, and I hear my story fall out of people's mouths all the time. Which makes me cry a lot, but yet it's been so healing.

I haven't been nervous of this journey, not yet anyways. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me, for all my team mates. For all the people who so bravely step forth and share the dark parts of their lives. If only to offer HOPE to those just now finding themselves in the dark, alone, scary pits of their lives.

Our Pastor has said, if you haven't found yourself in one of those pits yet, you will. And I know this project will help so many. Because a common bond all of us have shared is "If I only had someone back then". Well now they will. Even if a 100 miles, a whole world away. They will know that they are not alone.

Not that they are, I know God is with them. I know they just don't want to hear him as I was the same way many months ago. But still he is using all of us to be there for them, and in turn someday they too may turn to him. He knows when that will happen.

A few weeks back, our Pastor talked about how hard it is when God wants to use us for stuff and how he is just like us as parents with a kid on a bike and we are teaching them how to ride without training wheels, how he knows it hard, and that when we fall he is there, rooting us on telling us, that we were so close, and maybe we will get it next time.

I so loved this description because it's so true, he loves us just the way we love our kids. He knows we will fall and stumble and each time he is there to love on us, and to tell us how close we are.

I am not sure what my future holds but if now is any indication of then. Well count me in...... I can't wait.

I am so OVERWHELMED by HIS LOVE and GRACE!!!!!!!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Giving up

the need to control the outcome of my current situation is so frustrating. I know God wants me to trust him and lean only on him. I am fine leaning only on him. However, with it driving my husband further and further away, and divorce a huge possibilty looking me straight in the face. I am beyond petrified.

I don't know how not to feel I need to make things better and right. I don't know how I can possibly walk away and not feel to blame for making a mess that my children have to deal with.

However, I have gave this relationship/marriage to God and I am letting go and whatever happens happens. It doesn't mean that I am doing it without wondering what the heck is going to happen, how I will get through. I am not even looking at tomorrow at this point. Strictly today, and that still feels so rotten and unmanageable.

I have found myself in tears, on my knees and praying constantly throughout the day. To make this right, better however he sees fit. I am constantly thanking him for what he has given me, the people in my life especially because I know without him Nan and my friends wouldn't be there in the way they are.

I am so content with the changes I have made. I am happy deep in my soul. And I love that I can laugh deep down into the very pit of my being. But it doesn't make this unknown easy to face.

I am teetering on the edge of giving up and saying God is it really worth it? Because right now it doesn't feel worth it at all. It really just feels rotten.

But yet, I do know he is faithful. I have found a voice I never had. I know how to ask for things I want. Like the comfort of a friend.

I had to make that request today, I had to ask if someone could make time for me. And in turn she just held me, let me cry, read the word of Jesus to me, and just held me. But not that long ago I wouldn't have known how to ask for that, how to crave it healthy and feel like I was worth loving in that way.

I guess I just keep taking it one minute at a time, then maybe a few hours and then a day. Maybe one day at a time for me is just too much right now.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dear God,

I really want to say WHY ME???? Honestly that's my first reaction. Then I must say please help me, show me, guide me.

I am so lost Lord I need you. I need this evil pain in the pit of my being to go away. The horrible dark thoughts to pass quickly and for you to give me grace, mercy and love.

I just need love right now. I am so lost and I want to do what's right, but I'm falling apart!

Always and forever,
Your afraid Daughter xoxoxo

A constant reminder

I have struggled a little bit lately with just stuff is all I can say. Deep dark crap really and I decided that I have wanted to have a daily reminder of my Heavenly father's love on me.

Not something I can hide from, wash away etc. Something that’s permant. So I decided to get Beloved tattooed on my wrist. Where I will always see it and more siginfinate is that it's right above where I used to cut. I didn't notice that the other day until he put the transfer on my wrist and then I was worried about its placement. But my friend reminded me that's one of the best spots for it.

I fall short often of remembering I have value, I am loved if by no one else by the most important person my father. I don't have an earthy father so it's not always easy to remind myself that I am loved by someone of importance, and I often second guess his love for me when I feel like a fish out of water through life sometimes.

I always feel like clay on a potter’s wheel but sometimes I feel stiff and useless. God can always mold me and all things are possible with him.

So here is my work of art; my reminder that I am his always and forever.

It's only been a day but I've found myself starring at it often and loving having a visual reminder of my worth in his eyes. It was painful but not near the pain I went through to get to this point in my life. The scars from cutting are a reminder of my past and my hurt, shame, guilt and struggle. This is a reminder of where I am going and who's I am.

Crazy how I went from the girl who said she would never ever get a tattoo, to having three. One on my back of my sweet Ethan's footprints and date, one on my ankle of dandelions to represent my husband and I and 6 little whispers to represent my kids. And now this final reminder of my value and worth in God's eyes.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Right where I am

I have been thinking of this journey in life that I am on. And I know I still have so far to go but yet I guess really I have come so darn far; in such a short amount of time.

Really I started this process of relying on God back in November of 2011 when I puked my life story in the Nan's office; she was a care pastor at the time. I am not even sure what possessed me to do that. It's not something that I would typically do.

I have always been rather over-protective of my life story in fear mostly. I hadn't even known her that long or well at all. I think I would have to give the credit to God on this one, mainly because of how outside my comfort zone it really was and because I never trusted anyone in my life that much or that fast. But I didn't hold a lot back, and here it is only 4 months later and there isn't a single thing this woman doesn't know about me.

Even if they are things those closest to me don't know or things I am very ashamed of she knows them all.

I think God knew it was time to take out the trash so to speak, and then I was given a platform to speak my truth, tell my story and use it for good, even those dark things. They will do something for someone else and that is only because God placed these people in my life.

I am still his masterpiece in progress and I know that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by his love, his work in me and the wonders I am only beginning to skim through.

I want to feel him more throughout my day like others do; I want to be more ok with not having the tangible love from my heavenly father. And I also need to let worry go, quit worrying about tomorrow and what it hold and be content in what today offers.

That's not easy for someone who wants to make everything work the way it seems it should.

I believe it was back at the retreat at the beginning of February I attended where I heard someone say. "If we knew the details we would chose what he has for us".

And how true that is. I have been through so much I would rather not call myself a victim but rather a victor and I would never have chosen the paths he allowed me to take in life or the things I have been through to make me more like his image. But in the end "those things", did just what he wanted and I would like to think I am a pretty good person because of them.

I still don't like thinking about being molested, raped twice, and losing my son. It's not easy to swallow from time to time. But I am getting so much better at looking at it as me being the clay on that spinning thing (I have no clue what they are called and I am too lazy to look it up), that is taking shape.

The clay doesn't always stiffen just right, it falls apart sometimes, sometimes a little too much water is added and it's soggy. But in the end the masterpiece is just as planned, even if it has a few marks, nicks, and odd bends in its shape.

He is my master and I am just his clay.

I cannot believe I am here, I just sit at times and look around me and think to myself, “This is so not how I thought my story would end". I really thought I would of been dead by now, I never thought I would be a mom to 6 amazing, loving, talented, awesome children. NEVER.

I surely didn't think I would have God on my side, I always thought he hated me, that I was just a disappointment in his life too. Now I am speaking his truth and each day with a little more condfidence.

I never thought I would be surrounded with the love I am today, that I would go from the shy girl who stayed home in fear to speaking her truth, running around like a child, and soaking up every opportunity that comes her way. I never thought I could love another male figure in my life (besides my husband) but I in fact do now. I don't even think twice about loving him and I don't cringe when he hugs me. I actually, look forward to those hugs.

I sit and read other people write or talk about where they are with God and I remember being there as well. I remember thinking there is no way I can sit and church and sing songs of praise to him, that he gives and takes away and be ok with it. I was such an angry cold person not that long ago.

I longed for his love, but I was so blind to see it was always there.

God is so faithful it just takes dusting off, brushing the dirt and scum of the world out of our eyes to see it.

I cannot believe this is my life now and I am so thankful. Thank you God for doing what you’re doing in me, for having faith in me when I have none. For lending me the love of your children and for them opening their hearts for a little space for me. Thank you for trusting me to do what I am doing and for loving me so much you don't turn away when I make mistakes. I will do my best to be a disciple of your love and will.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I wasn't sure where to put this but I need to just put it out there. The past 4 months have been one heck of a roller coaster ride.

Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.

God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.

And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.

She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.

Oh, she loves me so well.

I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.

When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.

Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.

As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.

When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.

At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.

I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.

God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.

All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.

Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!

And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A list of things I am proud of......

In counseling yesterday Rae gave me some homework so to speak and I am suppose to place in on my blog. So here I go attempting to make a list of all the things I am proud of......

1. I am proud of myself for losing 60lbs, it wasn't an easy task.
2. I am proud of allowing God in my life again and giving my life over to him (this should be #1)
3. I am proud of myself for breaking the cycle of abuse in my family.
4. I am proud of myself for letting others love me, and have equal relationships rather than constanly just giving of myself.
5. I am proud of myself for not rolling over and dying after losing my son. It was an option I just didn't take it.
6. I am proud of myself for using the talents and heart God gave me to serve others following many paths I was once on.
7. I am proud of myself for forgiving my stepfather for molesting me.
8. I am proud of myself for forgiving my dad for abadonding me.
9. I am proud of myself for sharing my story with MyLifeFix. It was no easy task but very rewarding in the end.
10. I am proud of myself for being a constant work in progress towards my goal of being the parent I want to be.
11. I am proud of myself for catching myself in old patterns and acknowleding those tapes, lies and attempting to change them. This is still something I have to work on constantly.
12. I am proud of myself for learning I need to be me, find myself and be happy with myself in order to be of service to my family. And be a good wife and mom. As well as no guilt in doing so.
13. I am proud of myself for getting out of the boat on several things, issues lately. The Hope Mommies Retreat, feeling free to praise God in church how I see fit without worry/codependancy issues.
14. I am proud of myself for learning boundries in relationships I was never taught growing up and applying them even when not easy.
15. I am proud of myself for not giving up when things are uncomfortable. But maybe reaching out and asking for help. And in turn not feeling weak for asking for that help.
16. I am proud of myself for learning my tears are precious to God and not such a horrible attribute I have.
17. I am proud of myself for loving my kids the way my heart says to.
18. I am proud of myself and my family for taking on raising a child who isn't biologically ours and yet loving her as she is.
19. I am proud of myself for learning and starting to accept my family or origin is broken and that's ok. I still have a family who loves me, it may not be the ones who are suppose to, but the ones who want to.
20. I am proud of myself for starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.
21. I am proud of myself in letting go of the guilt and shame connected to my sexual abuse.
22. I am proud of myself for doing the 6 month long Incest surviors group a few years ago.
23. I am proud of myself for stepping into groups such as the grief workshop, shift and step study. Knowing it would be hard but seeing the fruitful blessings that would come of it.
24. I am proud of myself for speaking up for myself.
25. I am proud of myself for honoring my son's life even though he isn't here and doing what my heart says is the right thing in regards to him. Even if it makes other's uncomfortable. I can acknowledge that, that is their issue not mine.
26. For saying I was rapped and be willing to work on it, despite the fear, pain and worry that is being brought up, by rehashing it all again.

I was a little worried about this task but a year ago even I wouldn't have been able to accomplish even 5 of these. I have grown so much and I know the credit all belongs to God for this. I have become so much in learning to lean on him and trust him. He is so faithful.

Monday, February 6, 2012

A weekend of HOPE

I spent the weekend with Hope Mommies. A group of women who's babies were born out of hope, prayed for in hope, and taken to Christ in hope.

I was so nervous more than I can write down. This was something so outside my comfort zone. First of all traveling alone, I am terrified of flying, secondly going to meet 25 women I have never met in real life, in another state in the middle of no where.

This just seemed crazy to me, absolutely terrifying yet I was so excited.

I arrived at the airport on friday after a drive through good old Colorado snow. I was shaking from head to toe and not from the cold but from my nerves. My friend gave me a giant hug and prayed a little prayer for me.

I got my stuff all checked in and grabbed something to eat in hopes to settle my nerves. Sat at my gate and just sat. I felt like a little kid I couldn't sit still. The excitment was like being a little kid at Christmas. I couldn't wait to get there and see what God had in store for me.

I know the only reason I booked a ticket was because of him. I would have never otherwise done that.

Just as I got on the plane and seated one of the most beautiful people ever sent me a text. It read " Travel in Peace; I know God has something beautiful awaiting you in Texas! I love you and I'm so proud of you as you step out of the boat this weekend. Jesus will be waiting you on the waves".
I sat in tears thank God no one was sitting next to me, they would of thought I was a nut job. And the lady in front of me glanced at me once but went about her conversation about partying and drugs.

I knew at that moment God was so very real to me, that he so very much loved me. That I was doing the right thing. I don't think I have ever been told anyone was proud of me before that time. It took 30 years to genuinely hear it, and it was so refreshing.

And she was right. God did have such amazing things planned out for me that weekend in Texas.

I laneded in Texas and headed to baggage claim (which of course my bags never made it to Texas with me). And got Elaine's text telling me where she was waiting for me at.

I met her gave her a big hug and then awaited for Kristi, again met another treaure of the weekend.

We spent the afternoon at walmart getting me some clothes to wear since I had none. Lunch at a mexican place which was yummy. And tons of conversation. Women I had never met before those moments, yet I felt like I knew them forever. Then the hour and a half drive to the ranch in the middle of no where.

I learned about Texas "I was fixing to gain more hope this weekend ya'll". And all about Canada/ I learned Zoey has elastics (hair ties), and eh.

It was a blast. Arrived at the BEAUTIFUL ranch. The pictures we saw before the retreat did no justice to this amazing place.

I was still very nervous as we arrived still worried, these girls wouldn't like me and I would feel out of place.

God calmed my heart as I met them all. I felt like I belonged, and that was true peace.

We spent the nice in community, worship singing songs of worship and getting to know one another.

The next morning arrived and we were blessed with 4 women who pampered us with such amazing meals the whole entire weekend. I didn't know how to take someone doing all the work and cleanup. But it provided us a chance to talk more and just take it easy for the weekend. Did I mention how incredibly amazing the food was? This morning when I woke up and got an email from Cara telling us she missed us and breakfast was ready and getting cold. It made me want to hop back onto a plane and head back.

Saturday we were blessed to have a speaker who has lost 2 babies and a 6 year old. God is using her incredible strength he gave her to give him Glory. We split into small groups and chatted, a lot of times my group got into such deep talk we missed a lot of the discussion questions. But I know God had a reason for that.

We also had a photoshoot with the amazing Tisha, group photos, fun photos and then individual ones YIKES.

We took a walk down to the river and learned about Texas fire ants, how scary bunnies can be when you least except it. Oh and I forgot all about Elaine's stories of vampires and zombies.

I met Kelly and Erin as well, and have to say they both have blessed my life. Kelly has watched me from afar online and told me this weekend how proud she was of the work and transformation God has done. It made me tear up. And Erin starting up Hope Mommies gave me Hope and a family in all of the Hope mommies.

I felt at times I was able to bring Glory to God as well, as I sat and talked to women new in this journey.

Saturday night we went into the dinner room and did an art project. I was VERY overwhelmed with this project at first. We were given a bag with a clay pot that was all broken up in big pieces.

We were asked to paint or write on a few of the inside pieces of a few things that have happened to us outside our control, and then a few pieces put things/pictures of things that have happened to us/or we have done that were in our control. I was panic striken at first and then realized this was just another step in healing. So I took the challenge.

Then we took the pieces of the pot and on the outside of it painted or did pictures of how God has brought light into our lives, the things he has provided us with through all these things. Then I realized my pot was missing a little chunk, I assumed it was my sign I was beyond being fixed. My how quickly I jump to conclusions.

She showed us her finished pot and put it upside down with a candle under it and showed us with the lights off. How God uses our brokenness to let the light shine.

Sunday was another time for community, and food. Then we did a balloon release for all our Hope babies. I love balloon releases and the beauty of them. Then it was time to pack up, and a farewell prayer. I almost cried. It was so hard to believe I didn't want to go , then I was there and didn't want to leave.

God was truly amazing and I am so blessed with what he provided us all with this weekend.

These little cards were left throughout the ranch.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Last night I continued my journey with sharing my story of childhood incest. It has been a journey of many ups and downs. Unknown's and emotional torture from the enemy himself.

But I will say God has met me right where I am at. It has been so freeing and I know my heavenly father loves me so dearly.

Last night when I was done with my second interview I felt this incredible sense of relief. Peace and a calmness I haven't felt before. I think being able to speak my truth in the enviroment I was in, was the key.

Sure I was nervous I still even after doing this once before, I still felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a mess until I sat down, camera's all around and my shakey voice started to speak.

I can't say I feel my interview was powerful yet, they say it was. But until I see it all I know is how I feel now that it is done.

It is awesome. My God is so faithful, he is crazy for what he has in mind but yet he is not that crazy at all. He provided for me, he held me, he loved me so well. I couldn't be any luckier or happier with how it went.

Except, ok maybe the guy coming out in the middle of my interview and my brief freak out moment. That was hard I will admit, it was harmless but it was right in the middle of a hard part of my story, and I panicked.

If you would have asked me 17 years ago or even 5 years ago if I would have done this. I would have told you that you were out of your dam mind. I think I said I was out of my mind even a month ago, but there is so much incredible power behind telling your story.

Saying it twice so far has one, made it real. Two given it power and three taken the power out of the story and given it back to me.

I slept so well last night too which is hard to believe, I laid in bed held in my husbands arms and then drifted off. I forgot to pray before bed I was so mentally exhausted from my interview and sitting through someone else's. But I did pray with Nan when I got home, and I know even had I not prayed. He knew what was in my heart and what I needed to feel that peace.

He is faithful, he is good, loving and met me right where I was. He calmed the storm and provided refuge. You can't get much better than that. Honestly.

For so long I have felt so broken beyond ever being loved by anyone, let alone someone so high. But that's all he wants. God just wants us to trust him, to go to him, lean on him and be aware of him. GIve him our everything, the ups the downs and praise him for all the good and bad. It has taken me this long to say, "God you are good, and you are right. There is beauty in the ugliest ashes of my life. And I trust you now."

I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me, what else he will do and bring through me. He sure hasn't let me down yet.

Monday, January 23, 2012

He is faithful

I have had a rough day since yesterday, just not sure about how to get through this life with all I feel I have attached to me. And really I don't need to have it attached to me, but stuff like my grief with Ethan. I will always carry that.

But as a good friend pointed out I need to celebrate him, and I need to not let the anticipation get to me. I know I am missing him but I need to think of what he would want, and think about all those things I am blessed with. My husband, my children, my friends and be thankful the fact I am where I am despite the things I have been through.

She is right, her tough love was so hard to take at first, new I guess. But after it I know what a great friend God placed into my life. She is real, genuine and I am so glad to have her.

He knows my heart is aching and I needed someone to tell me to snap out of it, that they too understand but I need to let go of the pain and celebrate life.

I know in my heart she is right, and just when I thought I was at the end of my rope he was faithful.

Thank you Lord for all your love, your protection, and all you've given me.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

He is good.....

After a week of struggle, I feel a little more clear headed again. The journey I am on is worth it, not that it's easy or even managable sometimes.

But when I lean on him, it's more than manageable. It's possible.

I don't know if it's because I have leaned my whole life on God right now or what but more and more people around me are turning to God. My kids are as well, which is so rewarding and yet challenging since I am still learning too.

I listen to christian music all day long, and it has helped improve my mood. I am taking on a project to put down all the words I feel describe me and have described me in the past. And challenging myself to come up with a word for each of those to describe me now or a positive one at least.

I think I have over 20 not good ones and 4-5 good ones so far.

I haev found a peace I have never felt before. It's a strange unknown peace and yet it's healing, powerful and life changing all at the same time.

I've always believed in God, just never gave him all of me, just parts and ususually just blamed him for all the bad things in my life, or if not blamed him I was upset with him that he allowed these things.

Now it's kinda funny. I still miss Ethan more than I will ever be able to put into words but at the same time, I am also thankful for the time I did get with Ethan. For the chance to be his mom, and because he came into my life. His short life brought me back to my heavenly father on a much richer, deeper crazy level than I ever thought possible.

I know it makes some of my friends/family uncomfortable to see me make such a change and I get that. But I hope they too will see how amazing this life is, if you just let God in, and give him your everything.

God is good, he is above all for me FAITHFUL. And I couldn't be more happy to have such a loving, never changing father. One I don't have to worry what he will think of me tomorrow, or that his love will change.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A bad day......

A bad week....Almost two weeks.

Just plain bad.

I don't understand why the hardest part wasn't sitting across the room from a male, telling him my secrets. This is the hardest part. Sitting with the pain and feeling misunderstood, feeling normal.

Instead I have spent the past week and a half crying, on the verge of a mental breakdown. The enemy trying to make this so hard I guess. Me freaking out about what my family will think of this whole process, and the bad that will come out of it.

I have spent the entire day pissed at God. I couldn't find the words to pray to him. I just spent the day in tears, a bawling mess. Crying so hard I couldn't talk.

And pissed did I say that already? I kept yelling at God telling him this was crap. I allowed myself to be open to this, for him to use this mess of a life to help others. And where was he right now? Why wasn't he helping me find comfort in this? And why did I feel used and abadonded?

I knew it would get hard, however I didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know I would feel so alone, so forgotten and alone.

I know God is good, he just didn't feel good and he didn't feel faithful today. He felt rotten and mean.

It took really crying hard today to feel an ounce of comfort. And I am not better....I am still struggling.

But I am going to bed to read psalms, and to cry some more. To find joy in the morning. At least I can hope.

"Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil "2 Thessalonians 3: 3

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23

Psalm 34:18~The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Face first

Sometimes I fall face first.....

What I mean by that is I simply don't have it all together, like one may think.

I read another Hope mom's blog recently about falling short so I decided to follow suit.

I have gotten many comments about how well together my family is, how outgoing I am, how great I look etc.....

Truth is yes, I try. But almost every single day I fall face first.

When I try so hard with one thing, something will be neglected. I have so many roles. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, friend, christian. And it's so hard to meet each of these things every single day.

I try hard to focus on my health right now and being a good godly example. But with that I still have 5 kids at home, and a husband to please. I can't do it all.

For the longest time this bothered me, I would be exhausted trying to be everything to everyone and still be Angela. In fact, I neglected myself for 9.5 years easy. I hid behind the mom card.

And over the past 9 months I am gaining her back, or I should say redefining her. It's so strange... and yet so freaking cool. Losing 63lbs in 9 months, and trusting God with everything, redefining life by Christs example.

Yet, I know something will not be done to the level I expect of myself.

But I have expected myself to fall face first somedays. It's ok.

Family and God first, next I try my freaking hardest to be the best friend I can be. Treat others as you want to be treated is a motto I live by daily.

If I want people to love me I love them, if I want phone calls/texts I text them. My husband included as well. I try to let anyone around me I care about know I love them. But again.... I have fallen face first a few times. I forget things, or I try too hard.

Falling face first hurts.... But I know I will be ok. Just live each day trying as hard as I can.

Monday, January 9, 2012

2011 Notes of gratitude

I have been working on this for some time now but have yet to post it, just wanted to make sure I cover everything and everyone......

To my awesome God, thank you for loving me, for working in me and giving me all I need. Often times you are silent in life and that has always been my struggle, but I am starting to allow you more so in turn I feel you more, I hear you more. Thank you for giving me the strength, love, compassion and everything I need good and bad. Jesus for paying a price and giving your life, as a mother I am not sure I could of ever given my child for everyone else. For being a channel and a light to our amazing father.

God I truly thank you for Flatirons, and all that I have recieved through them. The childrens ministry... A way to calm my heart and renew my own parenting skills. The grief workshop... At first a love hate relationship, you allowed me to go from the once quiet girl who just sat and cried..... to doing cart wheels and loving so many people. I would have NEVER ever hugged a male in a workshop, but you have softened my heart and I have loved being able to offer comfort, a hug to a few of the men there. So many people whom I love now that because of this workshop you have put into my life. Vanessa, Rosalie, Rebecca, Donna, Rachael, Cindy just to name a simple few. And Nan of course but I will get into her later.

Thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom, to be molested YIKES did I just say that? While some peoples lives would have simply just ended because of this I am now really living. And yet, these two horrible tradgeys I have been through have molded me and made me into something greater than I ever imagined. It's not easy still but I cannot even begin to tell you the ways my life has morphed.

And for being the father I always needed but didn't know I needed. I was baptised on December 10th and I will tell you, it was then I was reborn more than ever so to speak. A month or so before that God started working in me, and I hated it. But I am allowing it and being baptised was my way of letting him know,it was time and I was willing. I wasn't going to fight him anymore.

And to Kristen..... My dear 19 plus years of friendship is not often come by. I have hurt you in the past and you me. But you are my sister not by blood but by choice. I love those three girls as my own, and would do anything for all 4 of you. You love me even though it may not always be easy because of the life you have been delt, and you love me well. You inspire me even if you don't believe it. A single mom who works her butt off and still loves our God so well, loves her children well, and wakes up each day and faces this cold, lonely world with a fight. Your beautiful and I love you.

My dear sweet Nan, what can I say.... Thank you for loving me and loving me so darn well. For not minding that I need reminded you love me, for taking the time to sit with me, hugging me, wiping my tears, brushing my hair back. By choice not obligation. For looking me in the eye and reminding me of the constant, amazing love of our father. For being that tangible love I need so desperatly in my life. Being a sister, and somewhat a mother in a weird way. Not that I need mothered now, but yet your affection is motherly. For your so powerful prayers..... You never let me down. The greatest gift of all bringing me to my heavenly father and allowing him to work in mighty ways even with the pain, and loving me with all my flaws, defects or not so much of defects really. And reminding me he loves me and made me just the way he wanted. For pushing me and knowing how much to push, even if I have told you I hated it, and once that I hated you for it too. For sitting across from me while I was interviewed last weekend, making sure I felt comfortable enough to share my story, holding me after and reminding me of the love from him and you. For teaching me how to laugh again.... And really laugh and mean it. For making me smile, I have been told by two different people this weekend alone how much I have changed and smile now. For calling me names, and only you will get that. I've never been so well loved. I love you!

Rae, my earthly angel. Almost three years later I know I have a safe place to land when times are tough. For never walking away when you had many chances. You delt with my clingyness and loved me for it. For pushing me when I felt defeted. For literly saving my life two years ago. A bottle of sleeping pills seemed like my only option. Your love, attention and fight to save my life, made life worth trying again. For your tears and constant reminder of my worth. For helping keep my sons memory alive each and every year.

Rosalie..... I am not even sure where to start. I really think God put you in my life to show me what forgiveness really looked like, I knew after hearing your journey with the death of your husband by someone else, that I too could forgive. I didn't have to but I wanted to. But couldn't find out what that looked like until you. For loving me again so well. Your an amazing example of Christ and what a godly sister looked like. It can only get better from here. Because of your love of God and following his example I was able to forgive my father and my step father and it's only been a few weeks yet, I feel so free'd.

Jennifer~ after so many years of friendship you still find it in your heart to love me constantly, genuine and amazingly. We have been such great friends, and had a few hard times. But in the end after so many years we are still best friends. We share so much in common and have been able to witness so much in eachtothers lives it's incredible.

Katherine~ For loving me the way you do, for constantly checking in on me. For loving me like your sister, for being such an amazing part of my life. For being part of my church family now as well. It's that much more amazing to share God with you. For taking time to give to families like myself, so we don't go home empty handed.

Dee~ For being the amazing friend/collegue you are. For making memories of my family each year, and being willing to teach me along the way. For everything you do for families such as myself.

Vanessa~ my sweet new friend, I hardly know you and yet I feel like we have known eachother for so long. The grief workshop threw you into my life and I am not letting you go. Thank you for loving me, for checking in on my often and making me feel special. I cannot wait to get to know you better. Your texts and comments on facebook and wednesday hugs are simply the best.

To all my angel mom's~ you have been a rock for me, an outlet to express my feelings and love for my son openly. That is one of the greatest gifts of all. For allowing me into your lives as a friend. And being a push sometimes I needed to keep going. Losing a child is so very tragic and one step at a time we are making it a little different. We are the voice our children deserve and it's because we do it as a unit not one person. There are far too many of you to thank and I would never be able to stop writing. Some of you have become family. Some of you allowed me into the most difficult time of your lives to photograph your angel, and to remain a part of your lives even after.

God has worked some amazing people into my life, has done incredible work in my family and in me. I know that I have questioned life and my purpose. And now instead of waiting to find that purpose I am just going to live as Jesus would and make a purpose. A few of you have questioned my strength, my courage and my ability to be so free, and outgoing. Trust me if you asked Nan, Rae and a few of my friends..... Even a year ago this was not me. I was the shy girl who sat in the back of the room, tears filling my eyes in many cases, and very very quiet in church. God is who I give credit to. And some of the people he put into my life to show me I don't have to live that way. That I am so worth loving, I still need reminded and even two months ago sat in the back of the shift service, on the edge of my chair, tears in my eyes ready to walk out. God again worked his magic and put Nan right next to me knowing I wouldn't leave. Again a few weeks later I fought this woman at shift again ready to leave, crying telling her to stop.... I just couldn't do this anymore I was tired. I was just tired. God did it again, I stayed. I don't expect for it to be easy like it appears sometimes, and it's not trust me. Ask anyone of them. They know me all too well. I fight them....And I fight our God. But I will keep fighting. It's so worth it. God promised to turn our ashes into beauty. And he promises to use all bad for something good. He is doing just that in me.

My life has been nothing near a package with a pretty bow on it. My father abadonded me, I was molested by my step father from 10-14 year of age, I lost my son in 2008, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive, physically abusive household. But I am proof your past doesn't make you who you are. You have a choice I am not my past, my past isn't who I am as a whole. It's part of me yes, but it's not me.

I love each and everyone of you. God is simply amazing by blessing me with all of you!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

In my eyes I am not , but in his I am perfect.....

I got to thinking last night about my feelings towards the God I serve.

Deep down I know how truly awesome he is, but growing up I wondered if my own father leaving me was any indication of my Godly father as well. What he thought of me, how he felt about me and whether or not he truely loved me?

I always belived in God or a higher power. I seldom sat and talked to him. It felt one sided and through most of my life, I thought he was punishing me for many things. Growing up everything was always my fault, even if in fact, it wasn't.

I was the pawn of personal blame from many. I am however not perfect.

You see, because of all I was taught about myself and pounded into my little head as a kid. I began to believe, I was always wrong. It didn't matter if I wasn't. All it took was someone giving me a sad or angry face, ingoring me, not friening me the way I did them and I quickly decided I did something, anything wrong to make them feel that way.

I decided being molested had to be my fault, losing my child was my fault. My dad leaving me, not recieving love was my fault.

And the not so perfect part of me, was hurting those around me that I really cared about.


Well I constanly put myself down, I was a self blamer, I never took any love, encouragement from those seldom few who did give it to me.

In fact, growing up I was really really close to an older female that became motherly to me. And I hurt her many times. By saying bad things about myself and putting myself down, telling her how often I would rather die and to quite telling me she loved me, because she didn't mean it. I made her cry on many occasions, and then felt bad about it.

But never until recently, did I see how much I hurt someone who loved me. How much I constantly pushed them away in fear they too would leave me, would hurt me. So I had to protect myself and keep them at a distance, never letting them love or care about me authentically.

I felt like if the two people who should love me couldn't then it was impossible for anyone else to as well. And especially our God. How on earth could he love me, when bad, sometimes horrible things kept happening to me? And he allowed it or then I thought caused it. And I had always felt like such a horrible individual.

As it has been as long as I can remember I have never really liked my outward apperance and my sensitivity.

I think because of all the negitivity growing up, I have it so engraved in my head. That I am not ok. When I cry I feel ugly and I am sure it's because I was told when I cried as a child I was told I was ugly. So I hate crying. It makes me feel vunerable, weak and well ugly.

I good friend has tried to pound it in my head that God made me just as I am and as he would want me. This will be my struggle. This has gone well into my adulthood. Even sitting with someone I care about now, hearing them tell me how great I am, how much they love me. I want to have that so bad, but sometimes I sit and think "sure your telling me that because you feel obligated to, it's the right thing to say." But I have had to learn to just sit with what she says, shut up and really listen, bite my lip and not roll my eyes. It's not easy at all, it's not anything I have ever experienced really, and it's uncomfortable. But good lord, it feels so good to hear it.

Something I guess sort of a new years resolution so to speak. I want to learn this. Not just hear it but feel it deep in my soul. That God made me in the image he wanted and I need to love myself as I am. That he didn't make a mistake with me, even if I feel like the world's biggest mistake.

I want to be able to embrace myself and love myself as God loves me.

Yet, it feel so ackward and foregin.

I also don't want to push people away in fear they will change their minds about me, or that they might not love me if they find out about me. I want to let them love me the way I love them, authentically and genuine. Without second guessing them or myself.

Saturday is a big day for me. I have been semi dreaing telling my story in front of a camera, and this morning I woke up feeling anxious and yet a calm peace about it. I think I am ready.....Still nervous and I don't want to cry which I know I will. But I am so ready. Please if you have a spare prayer or two pray for peace with this decision.