Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Loved

I wasn't sure where to put this but I need to just put it out there. The past 4 months have been one heck of a roller coaster ride.

Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.

God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.

And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.

She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.

Oh, she loves me so well.

I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.

When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.

Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.

As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.

When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.

At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.

I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.

God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.

All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.

Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!

And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.

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