Sunday, January 5, 2014

My dirty sinful nature

This blog post probably will not end up uplifting and for that I am sorry.... But on the other hand I am not sorry.  This is real, this is me, right where I am at.  And where I feel stuck and so incredibly broken I cannot seem to find my way out.  Despair is chipping away at my heart and my flesh is ever so present.

My marriage of almost 10 years, a relationship of 12 + years and 6 adorable children later.... It's just ending. Just like that.  No warning no answers really..... Just done.  He walked away.   Part of me would like to say I was blindsided and yet, I think I've known for two years it was coming. 

I've always believed in Christ, and my unbelieving husband has always been ok with me attending church and even taking my children since they were babies.  At times throughout our marriage he even attended with me.  However, two years ago my relationship with Christ changed, I was no longer a believer but yet I put my belief in action.  And I began a relationship with Christ.  That began to tear us apart. 

We were unevenly yoked from the beginning but now, my husband felt he lost me.  He felt like I did a bait and switch.  And while I can understand how hard that must of been.  I couldn't go back.  I wasn't the broken little girl I used to be.  The woman inside of me grew, she grew wings and blossomed into an individual who didn't find her worth in people especially just her husband and family being her value and worth.  She knew there was something so much bigger out there for her.  Not apart from her family but yet, he dug his feet into the ground and refused to move with her.  He couldn't grow with me because he didn't believe.

And no matter how many times my heart said "go back, you will lose everything by believing in Christ", I tried trust me I really tried.  But I couldn't....... Once I knew Christ there was no way of turning my back on him no matter how hard it was and how horrible I felt or how many times I yelled at God for allowing my marriage to be drifting further and further apart.

And being unevenly yoked was not the "real" issue in my marriage that made him want to divorce me.  The issue was I couldn't be unhappy anymore, I was alive on the inside and outside now.  That made him so uncomfortable.  He even admitted many times bravely that "I was not an insecure girl he met that he felt safe with".  Not that I was talking to other men, or anything of that sort.  But he was worried he would lose me.

And the big issue is my relationship with Christ made me look deep and hard at myself.  It changed me, from the inside..... it forced me to deal with the broken little girl I felt my identity was so wrapped into.  It made me no longer use my victim stance of being molested, abused, abandoned as an excuse anymore. And I truly believe the light in me forced him to look at the dark in him that he refused to get help to change and work on the brokenness of his life that he needed to.  

That right there drove us further and further apart.  His addiction to porn, was something for almost all of our relationship I felt I just had to live with.  I always adjusted my feelings, insecurities, unhappiness around that to just make him happy.  And yet, his addiction was a huge thing after my healthy discovery in Christ I couldn't live with anymore.  It didn't feel fair.  I wanted to be the only woman in his life.  I didn't want to feel next in line to some image in his broken world.  I wanted to be cherished.  Desired but not desired in the twisted way our society has told men I should be, knowing I will never be the girl in the video or on the magazine page.  I tried too many times even being a woman of God to still allow his addiction to change my morals and values. To try to satisfy a desire I have come to learn as a wife of a man addicted to porn will never be able to do.  I compromised so many times my values and beliefs in Christ for the sake of my marriage and his happiness.

I am three months into trying to conquer my new normal,  trying to figure out how to deal with the fall out of someone else's choice to give up.  Because in reality divorce is just that.  Someone gave up.  

Three months into trying to figure out this single parenting thing.  Not to one or two kids, but five kids.  It adds a whole new dimension when you have that many kids.  And three small kids not in school yet either. Three months of trying to let go of the dream of a perfect family, not the white picket fence.  Let's face it that's just plain ass bull s***.  It doesn't exist.  Marriage is messy and it takes a lot of work.  But yet, I wanted to be the successful one who's family wasn't broken.  I wanted to be the family who's mom and dad beat the odds and were still together.

Had I known what I know now in my 30's I would never have married so young and blinded.  I'm trying not to regret my marriage because 6 beautiful, breathtaking, little people came from it.  Life lessons came from it, hard painful... Pull my hair out, clinch my heart from a pain I didn't know was possible to feel outside of losing my son, daily struggle to juggle life as a single mom of 5.
Now I am only single friend out of all my friends, no more double dates, and feeling like a third wheel doesn't sound appealing.

But if I am honest I am so mad at myself..... That I didn't see this coming....that I can't change the fact my children's lives will forever be impacted by this decision he is making.  That a lot of times I can't fix their broken little hearts because I am not capable and I can't even fix me.  Not in the slightest. 

I am so beyond broken now.  I thought losing a child was the biggest thing that could ever happen, or maybe that was being molested at some point.  And now I am learning just how broken losing my husband is making me.  

I get so angry at God.... Angry he hasn't fixed this yet, that he would let me suffer right now, that he would let my children suffer.  And I know I will get steam for being angry and honestly that is the least of my worries.  He is big enough and if he is an all knowing God then surely he already knows my heart.  He hears the screams every single darn night from the pit of my soul.  He sees the tears that fall on my pillow every single night as I lay there alone, wondering how on earth I could have done something differently.  As I try to be patient and still so I can see his will for me.  When honestly sometimes I feel like his will for me is just crap..... It's painful and I want a darn break.

There are so many fears that come along with being single and single with 5 young children.  Money, what ifs , now what? (which I try really hard not to focus on), the aching inside my heart that makes me feel like I am going to die.  The loneliness that echos every night, the aching with every single flipping fiber in my body that just wants to be held.
Not someone to hold me and fix it because I know God is the only one who will accomplish that.  But someone to just hold me, let me cry, scream with me and say "I don't get it either, I would be scared and I would be so broken to"  Someone to ease the echoing dark consuming night for just a night.  To say me too!!!! 

I haven't sleep a single night more than an hour here or there totalling a few hours all night for three months.  I've tried so many over the counter and not over the counter sleep aides, I listen to the bible, I put on praise music, some times even sad music in prayer that if I just let it all out I can sleep.  And nope, some days I feel like I am being tortured with no sleep, like I'm being punished for something and until I figure it out or God makes it clear I won't sleep.  
No sleep makes you insane in your head, let me tell you wouldn't do it for fun.  I am exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually.  It makes you question everything about yourself, about God about the people around you.  Things pop into my head that would be life changers and yet real life stuff. 
Someone book me a big padded white room right now, I would be ok with that.  
Someday's I just don't know how to be a mom and it's so hard because I don't have that choice, I have to get up and face the world or at least my world. 

And on top of that I must be under some sort of spiritual attack, because for a few night off and on, the darkness is terrifying.  And last night was no exception to the rule.  Except last night I had a fear in me I have never in my entire life felt.  I texted several people reaching out which I never do at that time of night.  But the darkness was so thick, so deep, so over the top I was engulfed in it.  I couldn't move, I could hardly breath. All I could do was let the tears uncontrollably fall on my pillow and even those I tried to hide because this thing I felt was watching my every single move.  

I don't really know why I am putting this out there, other than I need to.  For me, for someone else who maybe this helps and really for an army or prayer warriors right now.  I need prayers I have never felt so afraid, and captive.  

Beauty from ashes, trusting HE will make all things right if I surrender to HIS Will, in all my ways acknowledging HIM so he can make my paths straight, trusting he will not allow this to crush me, that HE is with me, HE is my husband.

I know all of that, I have proof if I look back.  Somehow looking back isn't so painful but looking forward is.  My sinful flesh tells him I think I've experienced my fair share.  I would like a smooth ride for awhile.  Knowing he has asked me to lay down everything for HIM, and that includes my marriage and my husband.  
But wanting to pull back from him in pain, in my sinful distrusting heart that he will make all this right and not feeling foresaken.