I have been thinking of this journey in life that I am on. And I know I still have so far to go but yet I guess really I have come so darn far; in such a short amount of time.
Really I started this process of relying on God back in November of 2011 when I puked my life story in the Nan's office; she was a care pastor at the time. I am not even sure what possessed me to do that. It's not something that I would typically do.
I have always been rather over-protective of my life story in fear mostly. I hadn't even known her that long or well at all. I think I would have to give the credit to God on this one, mainly because of how outside my comfort zone it really was and because I never trusted anyone in my life that much or that fast. But I didn't hold a lot back, and here it is only 4 months later and there isn't a single thing this woman doesn't know about me.
Even if they are things those closest to me don't know or things I am very ashamed of she knows them all.
I think God knew it was time to take out the trash so to speak, and then I was given a platform to speak my truth, tell my story and use it for good, even those dark things. They will do something for someone else and that is only because God placed these people in my life.
I am still his masterpiece in progress and I know that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by his love, his work in me and the wonders I am only beginning to skim through.
I want to feel him more throughout my day like others do; I want to be more ok with not having the tangible love from my heavenly father. And I also need to let worry go, quit worrying about tomorrow and what it hold and be content in what today offers.
That's not easy for someone who wants to make everything work the way it seems it should.
I believe it was back at the retreat at the beginning of February I attended where I heard someone say. "If we knew the details we would chose what he has for us".
And how true that is. I have been through so much I would rather not call myself a victim but rather a victor and I would never have chosen the paths he allowed me to take in life or the things I have been through to make me more like his image. But in the end "those things", did just what he wanted and I would like to think I am a pretty good person because of them.
I still don't like thinking about being molested, raped twice, and losing my son. It's not easy to swallow from time to time. But I am getting so much better at looking at it as me being the clay on that spinning thing (I have no clue what they are called and I am too lazy to look it up), that is taking shape.
The clay doesn't always stiffen just right, it falls apart sometimes, sometimes a little too much water is added and it's soggy. But in the end the masterpiece is just as planned, even if it has a few marks, nicks, and odd bends in its shape.
He is my master and I am just his clay.
I cannot believe I am here, I just sit at times and look around me and think to myself, “This is so not how I thought my story would end". I really thought I would of been dead by now, I never thought I would be a mom to 6 amazing, loving, talented, awesome children. NEVER.
I surely didn't think I would have God on my side, I always thought he hated me, that I was just a disappointment in his life too. Now I am speaking his truth and each day with a little more condfidence.
I never thought I would be surrounded with the love I am today, that I would go from the shy girl who stayed home in fear to speaking her truth, running around like a child, and soaking up every opportunity that comes her way. I never thought I could love another male figure in my life (besides my husband) but I in fact do now. I don't even think twice about loving him and I don't cringe when he hugs me. I actually, look forward to those hugs.
I sit and read other people write or talk about where they are with God and I remember being there as well. I remember thinking there is no way I can sit and church and sing songs of praise to him, that he gives and takes away and be ok with it. I was such an angry cold person not that long ago.
I longed for his love, but I was so blind to see it was always there.
God is so faithful it just takes dusting off, brushing the dirt and scum of the world out of our eyes to see it.
I cannot believe this is my life now and I am so thankful. Thank you God for doing what you’re doing in me, for having faith in me when I have none. For lending me the love of your children and for them opening their hearts for a little space for me. Thank you for trusting me to do what I am doing and for loving me so much you don't turn away when I make mistakes. I will do my best to be a disciple of your love and will.
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