The past month has been a lot of humbling myself and seeing my character flaws. It's been hard and yet it's been somewhat incredible.
I can't describe it other than knowing when people find themselves in this place it's pretty amazing.
I have gone from a quiet, timid, shy girl that says prayers in her head to opening up and finally doing it outloud in front of a trusted friend.
I can say that honestly when I pray in my head it sounds ok, the second I spit it out, well it doesn't go the way I planned and it seems rather ackward, and untidy. I don't know if that makes sense.
In fact, the first time I prayed outloud my friend whom I asked to pray with me said "ok, but you have to start this time"........
Well talk about feeling out of place, scared, and anything uncomfortable feeling yup I had that feeling I am sure of it. I resisted, but she didn't give up. She held onto my hand and made me face it. I have to say that's what I love about her. She makes me face all those feelings that for so long held me back.
Anyways..... So finally I spit it out, I said a prayer that to me sounded horrid. (ok ok I hear you all, it wasn't horrid, that's the enemy speaking). She prayed next and cried tears of joy that I finally let go and turned to him.
Over the next month, we had many of these prayer obstacles in her car. And you know what? It's pretty freaking cool now. I love praying with her, with a few people and out loud alone. Praying doesn't feel so ackward anymore.
A few weeks ago I actually prayed for a friend at the studio before she gave her story on her sweet daughter Tayla, who passed away 2 years ago. Then last night a good friend/sister in Christ called me and asked me to pray for her/with her. And of course I felt a slight squeeze in my stomach, of "Will I be enough? Am I good enough?"
And I can answer that, YES I am ENOUGH, and I am GOOD ENOUGH!!!
How cool is that? I am slowly and surely stepping out of the boat on so many things lately, and more cool than that? He hasn't let me sink.........
I am so overwhelmed by his Love and Grace.
This isn't easy to face, it's so far from that. Facing my character flaws, of not feeling like I am enough for him, for others, that I am not good enough, loveable or deserving is so hard. I can't take a compliment for crap, I suck at it. But I AM working on it. I am better than I was.
Facing the fact, that all I need is my father, my savior and I will be complete is really hard. But I know its TRUE.
Sitting with feelings of uncomfortable-ness and knowing I don't have to jump and make decisions, that I can sit with it and be ok. Is REALLY hard too! I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl. If someone acts like I hurt them, or just upset. I would RUN, PUSH them AWAY. Because if I do it first, then I feel in control and I feel less hurt. When in reality, that's the biggest load of crap. I am still hurt and I am hurting myself.
So lately, I have had to confront myself with these flaws, and to sit with those feelings of hurt, abadondment, sorry, grief, fear which is the biggest. And know it will be ok, I will be ok. And if someone is not ok, that's ok too!
I have had to face the fact, that I am human. And I have made mistakes, and I WILL continue to make mistakes. I can face them, even if it sucks and I am scared out of my mind to admit to others these mistakes or even make amends when it's hard.
My father above has given me so much Grace...... I can only do the same for myself and for others.
I think the biggest thing he has set before me is the whole I am deserving, I am worthy and I am loved.
I never felt loveable, honestly I have always felt and still feel far older in apperance and in my heart because of the journey my life has taken.
I don't remember ever being that little girl who was born almost 31 years ago. I feel aged, old, un-loveable and so undeserving. And it's so scary to be here. To let others in, to be.... To really just be me. And be ok with me. Knowing who I am and being ok deep down in the inner pit of my being. And knowing they too can know me, and still love me.
Regardless of my past, my mistakes, my failures, my demons, my scars from others or myself. I am so WORTH it, DESERVING, and PRECIOUS.
And yet, I still stumble. I still get angry that God keep pushing all these things, flaws in my face to deal with. That he put this one woman in my life to love me, to push the crap out of me when it comes to working hard. I wish sometimes he would give me a break. I wish that he wouldn't use someone tangible to be in my face to love on me.
But then I sit and think, honestly at almost 31... He is pushing me so hard but in the end that's a few less years of work I will have to endure the hard stuff because he want's me to have freedom now.
God put this wonderful project in my path, it's not always easy I have to face my character flaws an awful lot, and I hear my story fall out of people's mouths all the time. Which makes me cry a lot, but yet it's been so healing.
I haven't been nervous of this journey, not yet anyways. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me, for all my team mates. For all the people who so bravely step forth and share the dark parts of their lives. If only to offer HOPE to those just now finding themselves in the dark, alone, scary pits of their lives.
Our Pastor has said, if you haven't found yourself in one of those pits yet, you will. And I know this project will help so many. Because a common bond all of us have shared is "If I only had someone back then". Well now they will. Even if a 100 miles, a whole world away. They will know that they are not alone.
Not that they are, I know God is with them. I know they just don't want to hear him as I was the same way many months ago. But still he is using all of us to be there for them, and in turn someday they too may turn to him. He knows when that will happen.
A few weeks back, our Pastor talked about how hard it is when God wants to use us for stuff and how he is just like us as parents with a kid on a bike and we are teaching them how to ride without training wheels, how he knows it hard, and that when we fall he is there, rooting us on telling us, that we were so close, and maybe we will get it next time.
I so loved this description because it's so true, he loves us just the way we love our kids. He knows we will fall and stumble and each time he is there to love on us, and to tell us how close we are.
I am not sure what my future holds but if now is any indication of then. Well count me in...... I can't wait.
I am so OVERWHELMED by HIS LOVE and GRACE!!!!!!!
