Saturday, March 30, 2013

2012 Notes of Gratitude-

I haven't written in so long, this is beyond overdue.  It's been a year of up's and down's and yet simply amazing!

2011 was a year beyond full !  Yet, I am so thankful I was able to experience the true sadness and happiness.  Without the downs we will never know how good the ups feel.

I serve an amazing God, who I have come to fall in love with.  Yet, I am human so I push back when he pushes me.  I tell him no when I feel like he is telling me to do something I don't want to do.  And I act like a child from time to time.  But I am so happy to serve the God I do.  

This is no better time, with it being Easter weekend to do this blog on gratitude.  Because I am undeserving of his faithful, constant, un-condemning love.  Christ died on a cross for me, for all of us but I know me and I know I don't deserve the sacrifice he gave for me.  I wouldn't in a million years have given up my child's life to save the lives of others.  As a mother who lost a child.  The thought of that selfless, crazy act always comes to mind.  Ethan may be in Heaven and I don't have to question where he is, if he is safe.  But to give up your child's life to pay for the sins of others is something I cannot wrap my head around.  I couldn't do it.

I miss Ethan often, some day's daily.... And to remember what it was like holding my lifeless child in my arms, seeing the pain stinging look of death starring me in the face.  And yet to know that God witnessed his child, being beaten, crucified on a cross and plain out tortured for ME.  It brings me to my knees to know I have a father in Heaven that loves me that much!!!

I am so thankful for that gift when I know I don't deserve such love.

As 2012 came to an end and 2013 began I knew this new year would be full of countless blessings.

Blake turned 10, Aiden 8, Ethan celebrated his 5th Birthday in Heaven with our savior, Corbin turned 4.  That was just in the first 2 months of the year.  I am blessed to have 5 healthy children on this earth with me.  And then one little boy in Heaven waiting for me!  The Hope I get to experience daily is beyond imagine.

Then Feb 21st I delivered my sweet surro baby Carmina.  A fast and furious birth, that led to one couples dream being made a reality.  And it's all because of a God who loved them so much he allowed this little girl to grow in my belly, that I was able to experience the gift of life in a way there will never be words to describe.  That was an experience I know regardless of the rest of the worlds view I was BLESSED.  
I was blessed that the pregnancy was rough, I was sick a lot, but the blessed part is......
I gave the gift of life of course, but I also learned a lot of lessons throughout my journey.  That I recieved the gift of being still and letting others do for me while on bed rest, that my emotions were all over the place and I made a few close people nuts with the rollercoaster, but those people never left my life in the hardest part of it, I made a new family with Carmina's parents and siblings, I get to see love through their eyes and know I was a part of it, I was STRONG, I had a natural birth and my God showed me I was strong enough to do something I never thought possible, I also was able to hold a baby in my belly and arms for 9 months and give her away.  Again God showed me just how strong I was.

These may not be blessings to some people.  But they are some of the biggest blessings I have ever recieved.  

I am thankful for my husband who let me follow my heart, and carry a baby who wasn't ours.  He dealt with the emotions, sickness.  And he loved me through it all.  I am thankful for the new blessings I am constantly learning about my life partner.  You don't stop learning and growing when you say I do.  Marriage is work and it's tough.  But we are able.

I am thankful for my mom, I get to know her differently as an adult now.  Not as a child.  Again another blessing.  I also get to be there for her in a different way.  I get to walk her through a deep loss of my step father.  I get to speak truth of life and grief to her.  And what an amazing God we serve.  That she too can have the HOPE I have..

I am thankful for another mother like woman in my life.  Nan, she has walked the darkest journeys and paths of my life with me.  She has adopted my family like her own, and shows me a love beyond any friendship I have ever had.  Yet, the really cool thing is, she is teaching me all about my heavenly father and what an awesome father I have.  I am in the beginning stages of really learning about God, the bible and what life is really like.  She pushes me, and hard.  Someday's she makes me mad, others I want to cling to her and never let go.  I am thankful for a friendship like no other!

I am thankful for Jennifer a friend of many years, who I can be silly with and yet do life with.  With no real judgement.  I was a part in bringing God into her life on a level she never had.  That's a pretty cool thing to be thankful for.  I get a friend who doesn't walk out on me when I am being a witch, when I am complicated.  And our kids get to grow up closely together.

Candy, another mom like friend in my life.  I love getting to do life with someone who gets me, who understands the yucky alone feelings I get sometimes.  And I also get her wisdom.  Some people never get to lucky.  God gave me her for a time such as this.  We get to build eachother up and catch eachother when we fall.

For friends like Dee who would not stop for a second to take time away from her life to come to another birth of a baby, take priceless photographs for a family she doesn't know.  And she was able to capture the birth in a way, beyond a price tag or words.  She may be a friend who I don't get to spend much time with but would do anything for me.  

Katherine, for always being there.  For being such an amazing woman, with a heart to serve.  Again someone I see on occasion passing in church or on facebook.  But yet, I know she loves me and is rooting me on.  

Kristen, we don't get to see eachother much at all.  I kinda get to see life pass through facebook.  But I know she will always understand me, and love my kids.  We have grown apart at times.  Found new friends at different stages in our lives.  In the end I know we will always be friends.  As time passes I hope to connect more often.

I am so thankful for my ips, that they picked me.  I was able to be blessed through them being here in Co as much as they felt blessed.  That they continue to keep me in their lives and share Carmina with me.  

I am thankful I am surrounded by people who love me and my kids.  That while I have no family here with me, and it can be lonely.  I know I have people to count on.  I am blessed God is in control and not me.  Because I can often screw things up alone, without any help. 

In Aug of last year I was also able to see the beauty of my surroundings through the child like eyes God gave me.  And I shared it with three amazing women in my life.  Sitting crying, worshiping.  Seeing a double rainbow in Silverthorn.  Being blessed by the holy spirit on girls weekend.  A weekend I wouldn't trade for anything.

Without my anchor in life I would be screwed.  My God keeps me together, aspiring to have qualities like his son, qualities like his other children here on earth.  He keeps me on track when I fall off, and hopefully I am doing a good enough job with the 5 beautiful children he has lent me.  That someday because of my faith they too will have seen, lived life wanting to be filled up by our God and no one else!!!!

On this weekend I KNOW I can trust God.  Because he did as he said he would do.  
Romans 1:4-5 
And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit. Through Christ, God has given us the privilege and authority to tell Gentiles everywhere what God has done for them, so that they will believe and obey him, bringing glory to his name. (NLT)