Friday, December 30, 2011

Freedom in forgiveness

A week or more ago I sat down and decided after several personal fights with myself and God, to let go of my desire to punish the man who molested me and forgive my biological father for abadonding me as a toddler. It sure wasn't easy and I am still scared somedays I may want to reject my forgiveness.
But bottom line this isn't my place to hold on so tightly to it and above all that. It has gotten me no where.

My stepfather who molested me is dying, and a lot of it is due to his own personal addictions to drinking and drugs. I wanted to make sure before he dies I had my chance for once to speak my mind, to let him know God loves him even if I don't understand why. Which I do get why God loves him. It just doesn't make it easy to accept that he loves him when he hurt me so much. The justice system we have failed me. But God and only God can be the final judge.
I guess if that means I see this man in Heaven someday (if I even get there) then I have to be ok with it. I sent the letter out on wednesday and I know he had to of recieved it the other day. When the mail man took it out of my mailbox I almost wanted to run after him and change my mind. But over the past day I have recieved so much comfort in knowing I have gained so much freedom by doing so.
I don't know what he lives with daily and that enough should be punishment sufficent.

My dad, well it's not easy being the girl who was adabonded by her own father. I always thought he didn't love me and I was so horrible. But really I am in such a good place right now and at peace with that. He couldn't and it's ok. It still stings sometimes. But the Lord has provided me with so much by putting others into my life that I would be so lost without. They might never of been in my life if it would have been different with my dad.

I will add both letters here......

Karl, (my bio father)

I am not really sure where to start this off and what I really want to say to clear my head and heart.
I think I have gotten to the point in my life that I realize how much I keep allowing you to hurt me.
The biggest thing I have learned in counseling is that I have allowed people to cage me into to a painful way of thinking or treating me. I have told you many times how much you have hurt me, and how much I needed you. But I have also allowed you to continue to hurt me by not being firm with what I need. Therefore you come and go sometimes like the past three years without a single letter to say hello, or a phone call.
Now I guess I need to be that grown up that says enough is enough. And not allow you to walk in and out of my life when its convient for you. I guess growing up it was always easy to pretend you would just come home one day or that you did really want me that you were this rich business man who was just away for long periods of time.
But somewhere and I think the time is now, I need to realize that you are not going to be that dad for me. I can’t allow you to walk in and out of my life with promises of the moon and stars or even at that no promises other than to just be there. When in my heart and over the past 30 years you have proven time and time again that you just can’t do that.
I always wanted to be the girl whose dad taught her how to ride a bike, who sat in the stadium stand cheering her on, or in the auditorium listening to my concert solo, I wanted a dad to teach me about boys, and a dad to be there when I got married to walk me down the aisle and give his little girl away. Mostly just a dad, someone who loved me unconditionally when the rest of the world couldn’t. I think the most eye opening event in my life has been losing a child of my own. Now I always thought from the moment they laid Blake in my arms that I knew then how much love I had for a child and how never in my lifetime could I be away from my child for more than hours or days. But saying goodbye to a child before I even got to say hello was the time I realized how much intense love I have for my children and how I needed that from you.
But when I lost Ethan I realized how much pain and hurt you have caused me. I had to burry my child and am away from him forever and yet you continue to not want me. I think saying that out loud recently hurt more than anything. The people who should love and care for you the most were non-existent in my life. You did call after I lost Ethan and I was touched but I was also hurt that in the weeks, months and now years that have followed my son’s death I needed my parents to help comfort me and maybe say they didn’t understand but that they were there to help and listen to me, maybe even cry with me. You were not around.
I really didn’t need much. But what I did need is someone to step up and act as a parent figure and let me know how much I meant to them. That I was important, special and loved too. I wanted so baldy to hear I made someone proud. Because at thirty I still have never heard that from anyone. As a child you want so much to make your parents happy. Whether excelling in school, getting an amazing job or in my case just simply making an amazing little ok big family, and the good heart that I am not sure where it came from. I just want to love other people so they will always know they are loved. Just like I wanted.
Sure I could continue to just be happy and accept the times even years in between when you decide to pop back in. But really my heart can’t allow that. I am not in a place where I can accept that my father only wants to come around now and then, and not be there when I need him the most. I can’t just live my life not knowing when you will pop up. Most of my life has been uncertain and now I have the power to change that…. And as hard as this process is going to be I have to love myself enough to say that I am worth much more than I have been given in my life.
I really hope that you get this and that you understand for a final time the pain you have caused and continue to cause. It is not easy to say this and to finally close the book on this aspect of my life so to speak.
I also forgive you for not being able to provide me with the father figure I craved so much, I have had to learn that God is my father and regardless of my pain, suffering and past records with father figures. That man up there really loves me, and someday I will get to the point where I will be ok with not being able to receive that physical affection I wanted so much. I can lean on him like I always wished I could lean on you.
This letter wasn’t ment to make you feel bad, or corner you into being a dad. It’s a little late for that. But it is to let you know I forgive you, and I do love you. He loves you too! Hopefully someday there will be something greater that I am unaware of. Until then I am letting go of this hurt that has held me so captive in believing if you didn’t love me, no one else could possibly.
Thank you though for giving me life, so that I could experience this wonderful thing called parenthood, and the relationships that have came into my life by simply existing.



This has to be one of the hardest letters I have ever written. But is long over-due.
Starting at the age of ten you molded my life more than you will ever know. You molesting me took so much from me, and made me change my views of the world. I went from an innocent girl who thought the world was her playground, to a silent, ashamed, hurt and afraid child and even adult.
The lies you held inside regarding the abuse and the distorted views on how it happened and acohol being the driver in your abuse to me, Jessie and Samantha just made me angry.
It wasn’t until I lost my son that I realized the real, true radical impact the abuse played into my adult life. I hated men for so long, I was afraid of the dark into my twenties, and still now at 30 find myself paralyzed by the fear of being outside or even in my own home alone at night. I make sure my doors are locked and I still even then find myself afraid of every noise, thinking someone will be there to hurt me.
The ways you touched me, made me so afraid to love on my children the way I should freely be able to. There is nothing wrong with a hug and cuddling and it took me so long to get there. Because of your touching I robbed my children of a few years of affection. Now I can learn to love them so much better.
I know I didn’t tell anyone prior to my telling because you had me so convinced I did something disgusting, and I should be ashamed. When really, it should have been the other way around.
I watched how you treated my mom, and how you hurt her so many times physically. It was then I made a decision that I would never be that woman. The woman who a man put his hands on, who had her believe his lies of it will never happen again. I am a lucky one though, because I know all too often girls follow their mothers footsteps, and I refuse for that to be my life.
I don’t know if any of this will get me anywhere with you, and if not that’s ok. I know I need to let this all out for me. I need to know in my heart I finally got my day to say what I needed to, to feel heard even if in a letter. And to know that I did NOTHING wrong. I was a child, who looked to you for fatherly love to be let down, and let down further than I ever imagined. You stole twenty years of my life from me. Because I allowed it. But I am taking it back now.
God is the father I always needed, and I know in my heart he loves you. As hard as that is for me to accept, it’s the truth. I cannot spend the rest of my life wishing you paid a price for what you have done to me. I am not sure there would even be a price that would be of vaule.
I will never know what you live with daily, and if it’s nothing ….no big deal to you. I have to be ok with that too!
Without forgiving you I am only holding myself captive to your abuse. I need to be free of everything you have taught me. I need to let God be your judge and in the end be ok with whatever he decides for you.
So I guess what I am saying is, I forgive you for molesting me for those years. I truly, honestly forgive you. I don’t need to forget that will be impossible but I will let God take this one. I want JOY so much.
I can only hope by letting this go good will come from it, because for twenty years I have gained nothing by holding on so tightly to being mad at you, for wishing you ill.
And more than anything I forgive myself, I forgive myself for holding onto the view I did something wrong, that I must of deserved it. I forgive myself for not telling anyone sooner or right away.


In the end forgiveness I never thought I would have has been so incredibly freeing. Thank you Jesus
"You were the One Who filled my cup
and You were the One Who let it spill...
If this is where my story ends, give me
one more breath to say... Hallelujah"

Allowing him.......

A little bit of background on myself. I grew up in a family who believed there was a God but didn't read the bible, pray together or even go to chruch except around the holiday times.

But something in me always nagged me that I needed him. I found going to a catholic church with my grandma as a start but didn't feel I fit in. Then as a young child I started attending my best friends church, which was methodist. I loved it there and the youth group was amazing. However I wondered away several years later as we all grew up.

I then started going to a Jehovah's witness church, I needed something so bad and wanted to belong that I kept going. I don't regret it one bit. It kept me close with God to an extent. It kept me out of trouble when my life crumbled as a teen. However, it never really fit into how I thought God wanted us to be. And I couldn't always make sense of it. My mom made me quite going when I was in high school, she thought it was cult like.

I think now she realizes she was wrong and it was good for me. But over time I kinda went away from church all together. That is until I had my first son Blake. Then we started going to the same church we went to where I was very involved in youth group. We went every single sunday and had Blake with us during church so he would learn from the start all about church and sitting.

Again, I found a deeper relationship with God. Then over time as my family grew and my children got older, it became very apparent that this church wasn't for us. Much of the congeration was much older than we were and they didn't have much to offer my kids. So we found another methodist church to pour our hearts into, with a bigger range of ages and lots more activities. However, I just didn't feel at home. It seemed like more work and just a religion.

After I lost my son, I was so angry with God. He allowed this to happen to me, maybe it was a punishment for anything and everything I had every done or that had happened to me. It didn't make sense. The God I thought so highly of, became cold in my heart. I thought maybe he was telling me I had two perfect healthy children at home, and to quit asking for so much. I thought because I had a miscarriage in the Sept before that he really was trying to prove a point.

The more I sat and reflected on this the more angry and cold my heart became. How on earth could a God that was suppose to be loving, caring and be like our father be so cruel? Hadn't I been through enough in my life? Losing a 34 week baby, 5 miscarriages, being molested by my step father from the age of 10-13, my biological father giving me up at the age of 2, my own mother struggling with her own issues and not having what she needed to be a mom.

Then I really began to question, where this so called loving God, really was? He had abadonded me like everyone had.

So I thought....... Something always nagged at me over the past 3 years. I needed him I knew I needed him I just needed to allow him, find him again and let him be in control.

To let go of every assumption out there. I wanted to be with my son someday and I needed HOPE more than ever. I realized my life couldn't get much worse, what harm was there in letting him work all the bad for good? And turn my ashes into something of beauty.

I found Flatirons at the end of 2010. I am so blessed, incredibly blessed. This is home. It's not a church. I have found God on a much deeper leavel. And somedays I think that man/woman whatever is crazy. He has begun to pull me into many ways of using my pain for good.

Things I never thought I would ever expose or tell someone else. I am SCARED to say the least. Did I mention I think God is crazy? I am so excited but so scared. I honestly feel I could puke from nervousness.

I have found out he was preparing to use the things in my life that he allowed to help others maybe. And to soften my heart a little maybe.

He brought some amazing people into my life to helpas well. I struggle with feeling like I am a person of worth to have them in my life. Maybe they say they love me and care about me to suck me in, but don't mean it. But I know I have to try to let them prove it and quit assuming they are like everyone else.

I don't feel so abadoned anymore which is nice. But I still live in fear sometimes daily that I will be. I have always been left for one reason or another. But I am allowing him. I feel like because of my past and the track record it holds with people leaving me that it's a matter of time before someone I love will leave me, or before I feel he has left me too.

Prayer is still something I am learning how to do, it still feels ackward. A one sided conversation most of the time. I know I will get there. It will take time.

Regardless I am allowing him, fully this time. I cannot do it without him. I know in my heart he never left me, even if he was silent.