Saturday, March 15, 2014

Forgotten and alone!

My new struggle in being a single woman and more a single mom, is not feeling forgotten and alone.

So often, I sit here feeling like I am just sitting on the outside looking in, seeing lives pass by, people moving on.  Everyone's lives continuing and happily at that.  And while I know looks can be deceiving, it's still painful to know all you really wanted was just what your seeing.

And more so, I struggle with everyone else having lives, and mine seems to have stalled.  And while I know God has not forgotten me, he has made that clear. "I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. "~ Isaiah 49:15

It seems as if the rest of the world has.  No one has time for me, everyone is overwhelmed with life and they don't have to stop and see how you are doing, and if you need anything.  While that's just life.... It sucks on the same hand.  I want to feel wanted and needed.  And while I look up scripture to make sure I know what God says, I also know that what I am feeling is human.  We were created that way.

It adds so much more complexity to it when your a single mom, the weight of the world in on your shoulders and everyone just passes you by, surely you seem to have it all together and if you don't it's ok you have God.  When really your soul is crying out.  For help, for someone to journey along side you.  Alongside your children.  My kids need a bunch of people, Godly men especially to go along side them right now.  So they can grow to be Christ like, every little bit of time they spend with their dad, is time the enemy is using to drag them away.  I am seeing in all the time now.  From " I don't like church now", to the school calling constantly lately over the older boys.  And it's taking its toll on me, I am beginning to feel defeated. 

I don't have people who are willing to come along side my boys, to show them what it looks like to be a good godly man, and that it's worth it.  

Because let's be real, yes we can be a single mom and figure it out.  But our kids need more than moms.  They need an army of people surrounding them telling them how important they are.  How loved they are.....

I absolutely hate when people say "you know I love you"!!!!  Seriously those words burn deep, for starters actions speak so much louder than words and if you don't make an effort to show someone they are important to you, or tell them.  How do they know? 

We go through life, on many different paths, journeys and we find people throughout our lives that are important.  But is everyone equally important in your life?  I don't personally believe that can be true...... You tell your kids you love them or your mate, and I would imagine your love for them is different than the poor person on the street corner.  I am sure your heart bleeds for certain people, but clearly if someone is truly important to you, you will make an effort to show them just that, and tell them.

I am just beginning to see the past few weeks, the strength and lack there of in my relationships that I am surrounded by.  I love deep and hard.  And if I am in your life it's because I Trust you!  Which is not something that comes easy.  And I think it's time I re-evaluate my relationships.  Not because I want from them.  But because I don't want to just be giving and getting nothing in return.

Now that doesn't mean I can't care about a lot of people ( I don't think I could if I tried), but that doesn't mean I need to keep putting in so much.  It means I step back and see if there really is anything there, rather than always being the one to put forth so much of myself.

And this is hard, I've been working on it the past few weeks, and it's taking constant prayer and asking God for guidance and strength.  This is not who I used to be.  I would give my all even if exhausted.  I would do whatever I could to prove I was worthy of being loved.  And that's the lesson God is teaching me.  He will without a doubt put people in my life who deserve me the way I am, and also who will continue to build me up not tear me down.

John 14:2-4 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” 

I still want to be a woman who loves her friends and neighbors passionately.  Who would give the shirt off her back and her spare time to help.  But I want to be in community with those who really want me and who also want to be in my kids lives.

I know God is already there, he has already started the work.  I've known it for weeks, when I felt him gentally nagging me that it was ok to take the first step.  In showing myself I am worth that.  I've never felt worthy regardless of how much I tried on my own to prove it.  I don't want someone to feel like they have to do anything with me, or call to check up unless its because their heart was prompted by love and care for me.  I want friends who want to spend time with me.

Psalm 143:8,10 Be still and know that I am God. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Teach me to do your will for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.

I've questioned for far too long, if something is wrong with me, even as I sit and write this.  Why has the world always walked out on me?  What is it about me that I can't be loved for who I am?  

I can't do that any longer, surely God is making me new and if he finds me beautiful, beloved, treasured then he will put people in my path who will feel the same way about me.

Isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."