Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Shouting at God!

This has been a rough week, a first in my new normal... And yet I found myself clinging to Hope and then as a friend pointed out this week I also did a lot of toddler temper tantrum..... and stomping at God with a big fat "NOT FAIR".

It didn't get me anywhere, I allowed myself to sit in self pity and sorrow.  But I also know if I don't allow myself to sit there momentarily then I will prolong the process of grief over the loss of my marriage.  But I don't want to stay there.  That's what the enemy would like us to do.

Things just don't seem to be going as I thought I had them planned.  I am still dealing with the heartache of my husband walking away, clearly showing he had no interest in trying.  And I am still wrestling with the gaping hole of not even really understanding what went wrong.  I find myself stuck there a lot too.  How do you fix something when your really not sure why it wasn't working in the first place?  Sure we had our struggles like any marriage and it was hard.   Oh man is marriage hard.  But really divorce????.  I cut that word out of my vocabulary over 6 months ago.  I learned a dirty little trait from my broken family and that was to run.  So hell bent on staying,  I made sure I took divorce out of it.  But I did indeed think we needed to be apart for awhile to figure each of us out and then figure us out as a couple.  I just didn't see that big D word until I was smacked in the face with it.

I've found myself helpless this week with a close friend, wanting to make things better.... But really knowing it's not mine to fix.  So in that process trying to figure out so carefully how to love her well.  How to show her the beauty God really has and will bring out of this storm.  When sometimes I really have to fake it until I see it too..... Because my flesh wants to keep me there in wanting proof.  I have been blessed that I know I can look back and see proof of the past redemption he has already done.  And in my flesh my heart hurts for her.  My body feels it, in the way my heart feels squeezed, the shortening of my breath, the hot stinging tears building in my eyes and running down my face.  I want to make it better so why won't he????!!! Stomping my feet again like a immature child.  Pounding my fists, I want him to make it better now to stop the pain.  Her pain and my pain.  I want answers .  But I clearly have to remind myself he isn't done with her or me yet... And there is no way in heck he would bring either of us this far, to just leave us there.

Growing is so painful.... We've all been there and each of us has to grow through the pain and with the pain.  No one can do it for us.  Otherwise we as parents would take on all our kids immunizations, and broken bones, breakups and tragic situations like lung transplants, or even the death of a child.  But we can't.... How we grow as individuals is because of this "stuff".  It molds us all into amazing women, men, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, children, husbands and wives.  Without the "stuff" we would have no proof of God's amazing love and grace.  There would never have been a need for Jesus.

Sometimes though when the waves are really strong and I feel my lifeless body crash against the edges of the boat I don't feel him as much (and I am not feeling him because I think I am scared to feel him, like he is so mad at me or sad with my choices I am scared of what he may be thinking and how that touch could hurt), but he is clearly there.  I just haven't forgiven myself for falling short of what I think he wants of me or how I feel I am suppose to measure up.  I forget far too often that my sin has already been covered with the blood of Christ... It died on the cross with Jesus, and I rose anew with Christ.
Sometimes I think I hate myself so much I want him to abandon me so I don't have to fear the failure of the sin I am sinking in.  And other times I am not even sure what I have done, what sin I've let stain my life.

This week through a bible study I am partaking in we are working in Romans 12, and a few things caught my eye.
Romans 12 talks about offering our bodies to Christ and not conforming to the world but renewing our minds saying then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is.....His good , pleasing and perfect will.

In the mist of troubles and the storm.  When we are weary, and drenched with sin and our flesh we can't always see that.  But really verse 2 talking about renewing our minds, is so spot on.  If we accept the storms knowing his will is always best, nothing has slipped through his hands without his knowledge and if he didn't think it would benefit us or bring Glory to him he never would have allowed it to happen in the first place.  Our minds can be our worst enemy... Okay I will speak for myself.  My mind is absolutely my worst enemy and the enemy we have knows I struggle with the lies, with doubt with my sinful dirty rags of flesh.

I have to be constant in taking captive of my mind and the thoughts, if I don't.... No matter how big my savior is I will sink.  I am my own worst enemy and my thoughts which are not true and correct in following what Christ says about me allow me to sink.  I self sabotage.... Where if I renew my mind, take captive my thoughts that I know if I step back I would see untruth and renew them to only be what he says about me, what the truth he has spoken..then I see what perfect will HE has for me, for you... For us.

Verse 12 talks about love in action... It says "be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer"
When I step back and think about being joyful in Hope, I think about how I am so run down with my circumstances... My lack of sleep, my sadness about being alone, my worth being my divorce and lack of family.  I am not being joyful in Hope I am clinging purely to my present circumstances.  Where if I sit and think about the Hope that will come of this.  That my lack of sleep has brought me closer to the Lord and opening a bible, even if I did it to help a friend in the beginning.  I couldn't help but soak in God's truth, his plan for her but really it was for me too! My sadness about being alone has given no excuse not to search for Christ more and lean on him solely right now.  My worth being found in family and a husband has forced me to look at what I do have, those who I am so grateful for that still stand by my side, those who are cheering me on.  And not just cheering me on but finding the Hope for the woman God created me to be come forth.
It's hard to be patient in affliction when we feel so weighed down, restless, anxious and honestly a little crazy in my head.  Sleep has left my house, I feel a little nuts and foggy headed.  Patience is the last thing I want to find.  Because I am so inpatient with myself even... And inpatient with God.  He is not making this better and it doesn't feel like he cares.  I feel tortured some days and like he is just allowing it to happen which provokes anger.

Then I step back.... And remember Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight"
And go ok, as the rear view mirror clearly shows I didn't get losing my son, being molested, abused..... But through all of that I was redeemed.  I was willing to allow him to use it, in HIS timing not mine.  And beauty was brought from it.  So is I am patient in this affliction then I will come out the other side, fighting it only makes it worse on my heart and soul.  That doesn't mean I sit back and say "ok God torture me if you must", but when these times come I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you ", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not hard you, plans to give you hope and a future".

I also need to be faithful in prayer.... It's the deepest connections to my heavenly father I will ever have, even if I have things on my mind that may not be so loving.  I need to speak them.  It shows my trust in him to handle it, my love for him in confessing those things.  Even if it's anger.  Keeping things from anyone only really hurt you in the long run.  It would be like not telling your spouse something they did that bothered you, or a friend who said something that really hurt your feelings.  Sure you can keep it in... See how that helps.  I've learned the hard way, it almost always hurts you more than it hurts them.  God's big enough he can take it.... And really I'm only fooling myself if I don't speak them to him.  Because guess what?  He's all knowing so if I don't speak them.  It's like a child lying to a parent so they don't get into trouble, or to avoid hurting their feelings.  He already knows.....  You can't hide it forever.  If you don't lay it all down with him in the end, you suffer because you allowed your feelings, current circumstances keep you from being open with him, so that he can begin to show you what he already planned in the first place, it's where we get so anxious thinking we already know what's best for ourselves, and our timing is best.

Where really how often does our planning work out ?  For me it didn't here I am awaiting court for a divorce.  All my planning, hard work and half ass work didn't pay off.

So I challenge you and myself... Dig deep.... Push hard.... Love hard.... and trust the rocking of the boat, the ones that make your stomach turn and you get blue in the face cramming yourself to the tightest part of the ship to throw up......... because holding it in won't benefit you..... the ones where the waters come over the edge and you think your going to sink.  We have a mighty Savior who walks on water.  He has this..... If he rose for the dead like he promised then we can certainly trust his perfect will for us.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Those moments that leave you breathless.......

I am so very thankful for a God who breathes the breath of life into my soul when I feel like I can't take a single breath more......

I've had a few rough patches the past two years.  Three specific events that have left me sad, and broken and even a little breathless.  Or at least that's the way I've felt.

This last moment or event.... Knocked me on my butt, grabbing my chest and crying deep screams into the pit of my very being.  I think somewhere deep inside I thought this moment would be coming.... You know the kind of sensations that tell you something is going to happen and something is wrong?  Some call it gut feeling.  But I did what I have learned to do so well.  Ignore it, push it down and pray I am wrong.  Then a month ago, it all fell apart.

My marriage that is... My husband said the dreaded words he told me 18 months ago.  And 12 years to the month we moved into together and became a serious item.  Divorce.  It's an ugly word.  It means someone gave up, didn't want to try.  And something in me wanted to beg him to change his mind.  Not even beg but almost look like a fool and desperate.  And really I am desperate for him.  I can't imagine my life without him, I can't picture moving on, even just to learn how to be me.  Independent and courageous.  I can't picture our family without him.  I am self fish I want that dream, the one I dreamt so long ago.

Not the white picket fence, beautiful kids (even though I do believe God gifted me the most beautiful children), lots of money to never have to worry.  That wasn't my dream.  I just had this dream of being successful at having a family who stayed together, being really loved by my spouse, enjoying and laughing. Creating memories that my children would cherish.  Not having kids from a broken home and a blended family.  He was in my vision plan 20 years from now.... We were laughing and talking on our patio in my vision.

And now I must recreate a vision to be missing a piece I don't know how to live without.  I know and I am so very thankful for a God with a vision far exceeding what I think I need and want.  He already knows what is awaiting me and my kids.

It's in these breathless moments my flesh is stronger than ever..... Questioning why me???? How could be divorce be a good plan?  How is having my kids from a broken home good?  Where is the goodness in all of this?  Wouldn't my marriage being restored be good, that surely would bring such great glory to God....

My flesh is filled with pride because I don't want to have to admit I cannot provide for my kids, I have to tell them no a lot now.  It's only been a month and I've had to say no and remind them of the heartbreaking reality that mommy has no money.  My pride is so strong willed right now because I am at the full mercy of my ex husband to provide for my kids, to take care of me.  Before I met him I provided for myself from the age of 14 on I had a job.  I knew how to be responsible.  And being a stay at home mom for so long and having 3 small kids still out of school, has left me dependent on him still.   And I'm weak in his eyes.
Pride that this Christmas I will have to learn to put away somehow just so my kids can experience even a small Christmas.  Trying to find programs that will help me is so humbling on one hand and yet so humiliating on the other.  This is not a place I ever thought I would find myself in.

My flesh won't let me see myself the way God sees me.  I try and fight my flesh often and know that I am precious and God sees something I cannot compherend.  But I feel so broken right now.  More broken than I can put into words, which is why I decided to come here to write.  I know I cannot be the only one.  I cannot be the only one fighting for a marriage to be restored when the other party is clearly done and has no will or even love anymore.

My flesh has envy right now, I want what others have.  A husband to help them feel secure and treasured.  And I am beginning to think that was never Gods plan for me.  But my flesh makes me fall hard wanting it.  I want to be treasured by someone and feel special..... irreplaceable.

The next big moment will be this weekend when he will take the kids for the first time for a whole weekend.  Where my little ones will stay the night somewhere other than home.  And yes, I know I've been told how good this will be for them.  On one hand I am grateful that they will get to learn how to sleep somewhere other than home.  They are used to other people being here with them, but never sleeping somewhere than the comfort of their beds.  I've been praying to God to please make this seem like a fun thing for them, not something of torture.
But my heart still hurts for them.  Listening to the older ones talk about how sad they are, the younger ones don't seem to care or even get it yet.

But splitting holidays and not having my kids will be so hard.  Thanksgiving this year will be alone..... I mean completely alone.  No family around and my kiddos with their dad.  Christmas won't be too bad I have them this year he has them for Christmas Eve..I am so thankful for that.  Since he is an unbeliever I am grateful this year I can celebrate the true meaning as always with them, keep the normal traditions the same for one more year.

So many new firsts are coming... So much hurt... So many moments I know I will find myself at the foot of the cross again needing my savior, my healer and my redeemer more than ever.  I am trying so hard to push some of this down.  Knowing feelings are deceiving and this isn't permanent I just have to look beyond the cross.

I just want to not feel so broken tonight.... I want sleep that has been keeping a far distance because soon I will need to be put into a nut house if I don't sleep.  The nights seem so much longer than ever before.  I find myself praying the serenity prayer over and over, and my life verses.  I find comfort usually in these simple things.  And I am looking to Christ to be my husband while I don't have one, but it's lonely.  Sometimes you really do learn the hard way you took things for granted.  I always thought the strong smell of his body wash in the mornings would wake me up, that he tossing and turning in the bed would always keep me awake to a point of annoyance.  And then one day it's gone.... And I don't want to be lonely my flesh wants him back so badly.

I hate the flesh of this world, and I can't wait till everything I know is true about God and the promises he has made come true.  I have to learn to be patient and not conform with the rest of the world.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The groans......................

At times I am sure we have all been there.... When the only thing we can mutter is groans from the bottom of our being.  A cry so deep you aren't sure where it came from.  Breathing that simply is fast, if breathing at all.

I've found myself there.  And at moments I am not sure how I will get by, other than I am quickly reminded by my next breath that God is sustaining me.

Cancer was never something I thought would play a role in my life, denial maybe or maybe lack of I've already been through hell that won't happen.

It did..... And let me tell you how lonely that horrible word/disease can be.  Some day's ok most days all I can muster is groans.  I am not sure how to talk, or if I did what I would say.

I find myself isolating because I am not sure what I need, or in this season of my life I don't want to depend on anyone.  I am so lucky for a few friends who refuse to let me stay hidden away.

My life has changed so drastically in just a few short months.  I am on my third week of chemo and radiation.  And most days once again I am not sure how I will get through.  I know the strength of my God is all I have, nothing else is sure.  And alone I am doomed.

When the word cancer was first thrown at me, I remember being angry.... really angry that I had this next big thing to get through.  And I struggled really hard with keeping my head in to today.  It kept wondering to all the "what ifs?"  the "how's?".  Then as the months have gone on.  The anger has left and really that left quickly when I realized why not me?. ... And now after weeks of treatment I am learning a lot about myself and about those around me.
It really is true that in really hard times you learn who your friends are.  This should be a time when they rally around you, support you, pray with and for you, step up in any way possible.  I am blessed for a few of those good friends and others I guess I've learned to accept them for who they are, and in spite of who they are love them as best as I still can because that's what I have been called to do.  Despite what and how they are.

Last week as I ended week 2 of treatment I found myself in despair.... I was sick, and so sick at that.  I found my ability to function being compromised by the treatment and I was disheartened.  Even though in those moments I didn't lean on God he carried me.  The next day I found myself in a different place, making amends for my emotions the day prior to those around me.  Learning there is nothing ordinary about cancer and the treatment that comes with it.

I could sit and cry all day because inside that's how lonely cancer can feel, and how it messes with your head and your ability to see and function clearly.  But I promised myself before treatment that I refused to let cancer define my life and I wanted to make the most of each moment.  To soak in the love of those who really loved me, make priorities and live each day to the best I could that day.  So some days it meant I layed bed bound because of how sick I was.  I lay'd with my kids, with God's word and that was it.  Others it was phone calls and lunch, or a Rockies game.  Knowing those vary things would knock me on my butt for maybe even the day following.  And I didn't want to become a vegetable, and lay around so that was hard and some days I ended up doing zumba even if it wasn't to the best, I still did it and that's an achievement.

I know for myself the enemy will grab a hold of me when I lay around, he knows when I feel lonely he has a chance at stealing my joy and making my heart go to all the hard, painful places and things that sit in my life.  So I have been so determined not to stay there if possible.  And of course if I said "Oh that's easy peasy"  I would be lying.  Because I do have a few heartbreaking things in my life and they seem to pop up very often, and I tend to question myself and who I am.  But I have challenged myself to remember who I am in God.

Cancer and treatment is not a journey for the light hearted.  I have learned and heard some stupid/not compassionate things come out of people's mouths.  Some people react heartbroken at my news others want me to buck up and face it and be ok with it.

I have sometimes wondered "why?"  throughout these past few months.  And wondering why... is not effective.  I wish to embrace this and show God's beauty through another trial God has placed or allowed to be placed before me.
I am a better person because of cancer....I surrendered to the test and I will walk out of it a better child of God, a better wife, mom, friend and hopefully cheerleader for someone else one day.

Because what people who are walking in these shoes need...... are people.

People on good days to laugh at yourself with ( you know when you can't remember a thing and feel like your 80 and have lost your mind), people to cry with that can throw their arms around you and remind you that even if you feel like you can't make it one more day, that you will, you can and you are. People to help hold your hair back while you are throwing up, people who bring you food knowing you may not feel like eating....  Really for me I really need people to laugh with because cancer SUCKS.... And there is already enough pain and tears.  Thank you Jesus that in my worst days I am love-able, I am not cancer I am still the same Angela everyone once knew.

I am so thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ because without him this would be a much different journey.  I want to be someone that others on this path will find HOPE in Christ in, that they too will see a different way of walking through one of life's most challenging, painful times.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Am I good enough ?

I am pretty sure at some point in all of our lives we have or will ask ourselves.... Am I good enough?

I am in fact constantly asking myself that, and now I am learning to ask myself other questions......

Last week at a teaching we talked about this very subject and what that question really stems from.  And the pastor said "When it's all about you, you will never be good enough!"

And I sat in my chair leaning forward just a little because I was intrigued a little, mainly because I ask myself this all the time.  And I wanted answers, I wanted to know why this broken part of me always wanted to feel good enough, especially when I never did despite my best attempts.  Or if I did it was almost always short lived.

When are have to ask ourselves this question it's because we are consumed with ourselves, and maybe like myself you just grew up having to be good enough to be pleasing.  And for me it carried over into my everyday adult life.

When things, people, situations, relationships are all about us, we become consumed with the circumstances, and we worry, and we worry because we lose control and loss of control is all about uncertainty.  Uncertainty comes from not trusting God.

When the pastor said all this..... a bell was like DING DING DING in my head.  So loud it just kept echoing so that I wouldn't miss this chance to hear what God has tried for so long to tell me.

For the longest time ok most of my life I didn't trust God.  My life, the situations I was placed in, the events, the abuse all of it was so far outside my control.  Losing my son was the straw that broke the little stand of trust I had remaining.  I had decided that there was no such thing as a loving God because God would never allow such a cruel thing to happen to me, I was deserving of a third child.  I was a good mom, I was a good person.  It became all about me then too!  I thought God has once again overlooked me, that I was being punished for something... I wasn't 100% sure what that was yet.  Maybe that one time I stole from 7-11 as a middle school kid.  Or maybe because I let my step dad sexually abuse me, or even because I had already had two healthy children and the miscarriage prior to the loss of my son was a huge sign I had enough good stuff in my life and I was just pushing it by asking for another.

Things, situations and people in my life.... Hurt me and hurt me badly as a child.  And then I became untrusting of anyone around me, never letting my guard down.  And as an adult I finally let my guard down and I got hurt again.  These types of things happen.
But even with the current hurts, I see clearly when I look beyond myself and see the other great things. people God is placing in my path.  Despite the hurt there is such good, good in others, and mostly good in an amazing God who wants nothing more than good for us.

But when we become consumed with the hurt, the pain, we can't see things clearly.  Trust cannot be reformed when we remain uncertain and if we don't make the choice to trust there isn't room for us to see that maybe God has something bigger and better planned.

I am learning to stay eyes wide open and know every single day when I wake up I have a choice.  I have lots of choices really.  But I have a choice in trusting God's plan for me even if I do not see it.  And even if I don't agree and it feels crummy, rotten, unfair, unjust, lonely......Those are feelings.

My past is proof good things, amazing things can happen when you chose to trust and look beyond the cross (the pain, situation, the circumstance)

Now with different aspects of my life I am letting go of the "me" part.  What about me?  Why me?  This isn't fair?  They hurt me?  Why do they treat me that way?  Am I good enough?
The only one I want to be good enough for is Christ...And even then I know I am failing.  But I will keep trying.  I want people to bump into an amazing Father like I have through me.  That's my purpose here on earth.  At least for now I've decided

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day

Another year has cycled by and for girl's/women like me, it's bittersweet.  No father in the picture isn't something I haven't dealt with for many many years, really my whole life.  But it's painful none the less......

Seeing people post pictures of their dads on facebook, giving shout outs to the great men in their lives.  Telling the world how much they love their dad, and for me it's a little painful.

I always think about how unloved I was, how easy it was to walk out on me, how could he not reach out, when I reached out first?  How does it not get painful to think of all your missing out on.  And I remember maybe he does hurt, and if he doesn't he is missing out too!

Someone recently posted about the biggest lesson they learned from their dad, and I guess mine is a little twisted.  My dad taught me all the things I didn't want in a man, the qualities I wanted to avoid.  The life lessons I didn't want my kids to learn.

So it's really bittersweet.  I didn't dance on my daddy's toes as a little girl, I didn't get twirled around, never known as daddy's princess.  No dad to walk me down the aisle and give me away.  No dad to go to for advice.  I don't have a dad to watch my kids grow up, no one for them on my side to know as grandpa.  No old man as time passes to love and worry about.  To joke with, to laugh, to be mad at.

But at the same time I have come to learn to know God as my Heavenly Father.  While I saw growing up and even until recently in my faith walk.  I never even began to think of God in that way.  Honestly I don't think until the past 6 months I even began to really think of him as my Papa.

I always got creeped out when I heard God referred to as Daddy, Papa, Father.  I guess because of the way I was taught to fear God the last thing I wanted to consider God, was someone... who loved me, cared for me, had my best interest in mind.  There has never been a single man in my life that has wanted any of that for me.  And because I blamed God for all that had happened to me, I didn't know him in that way, I certainly didn't fear him in a healthy manor.

As I've grown and seen God's hand on my life, I began to think of him as a loving Father.  Then I decided one day to reach out to him as my Papa, my Daddy.  And simply calling him that out loud brought me to my knees in tears.

He really did love me, I just didn't love him.  Just as a little child I was resentful of him testing me, not being all I wanted him to be.  And because my heart wasn't softened to hear him, I couldn't connect.  I couldn't hear him if I wanted to.  It took a lot of time to learn how to be still and listen for his response.

It was foreign to me because it's unlike any relationship in the physical sense.

But how I wish I had all the beautiful words to share with everyone at how amazing my only Dad is.  I am a lucky girl in the sense of knowing him the way I do.  I am so thankful to have a dad I can have a great relationship with.

He planned me just like other dads plan their kids, he numbered all the hairs on my head, he knew my future long before the parents who birthed me did.  He knew the day I would run to him with open arms.  To be embraced as a woman proud of her Papa.  And I have no doubt he is proud of me too.

I won't lie if I let the enemy get inside my head a little, he tends to weaken the bond and make me reflect on the father in flesh I was born to, or the one who I never really had.  It's a little disheartening to know I will never be daddy's girl to some man here, that I will never have what some girls have.  But in reality I do have what lots of girls like me have.

A man who helped make her very existence possible, I am grateful that because of the father who helped conceived me I am here.  I have given life 6 times, and I get to parent five on this earth.  I am so lucky in a twisted way to have learned to look for what I wanted in my children's father.  Just like people who have great role models as dads do in another sense.  I wasn't as cheated as I once thought.

I have also learned how to seek out great role models for my children in other men.  Because it really does "take a village" to raise children.  And I want my children to grow and learn about all walks of life, thought processes.

I was blessed to have "bumped" into a man whom I look up to highly because he is such an amazing role model of what a man of Christ is suppose to look like.  And the best thing is we still all agree we aren't perfect.  So it makes for a real, authentic relationship.

I get to see yes, what I miss out on.  By watching him with his family, but I also get to see what to strive for.  I can't be jealous because he is a part of my life, when he doesn't need to be.  It wasn't an obligation, he loves my family because he wants to.  Not because he has to.  And that right there is one of the best dad figures ever!!!!!  He picked me, chose to do life along side my family.  He knows who he is, and I thank him with all my heart.  Love you {G} Happy Father's Day!!!

And he always points me to look up!!!

So while father's day is bittersweet, it's a lot more sweet these days than bitter!  All we have to do is be willing to drink from the cup our Papa is offering us.  Not deciding how it will taste, before we give it a try.

So I encourage you to look up, seek out, and get to know the one Father who loves you above anyone on this earth can possibly do.  Remember he numbered the hairs on your head, your earthy parents maybe counted your fingers and toes.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows

is God in his holy habitation.

God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Silent or not so silent prayers

A week or so ago someone on one of my baby loss boards posted about how upset she was that God allowed people to have babies who clearly only care about themselves, or abuse and neglect them.  Or maybe even kill them.  But take children from parents who yearn for nothing more than to be a mom or dad.

And it put me back into the place where I stood 5 years ago, so angry at God.  Hurt beyond belief that we tried for a baby to end in miscarriage early in 2007.  Then got pregnant again only this time, we got past the 12 week safe mark.  Then past 20 weeks, we had it all so it seemed.  In a naive blissful reality we thought we were bringing home our baby boy in a few short months.  Then the unthinkable happened.

Our son died in utero at 34.5 weeks.  His little heart stopped, he was gone.  And this wasn't suppose to be this way.  He had a healthy text book pregnancy, we wanted Ethan, we tried for him, and darn it we were good parents.  Way better than others.

And I was angry so very angry God let my sister have a baby and took mine.  Who cares if I already had two healthy boys, that's not all I was asking for.  I was a good mom so I expected to bring another baby home.  And my sister struggled to be a mom, having issues with alcohol.  And she got her son.... What sense did that make?  And then all of a sudden your eyes are ears are peeled to hear horror stories so much more than before of babies being thrown into trashcans, killed by their parents, dropped off at a hospital and left alone.

Those things have always been around.... But now that my baby has been taken from me, I see and hear it so much louder and it's a stab in the heart every single time.  I remember laying in bed, just telling God how jacked up he was that he would allow children to suffer this horrible beginning and he had the chance to take those babies from a life of pain, and yet he took mine who would have been loved.  It was all ass backwards (excuse the language) but it was.  I couldn't wrap my head around any of it.

If I could change the world and have it my way I would have taken the life of one who would of suffered.  And given life to the one who was loved.

Well recently, God has placed it on my heart to share the story of the one who wasn't loved, suffered and should of died.

God can do good things with ordinary people but he can do extraordinary things with extraordinary people.  Those who have suffered greatly.

If God did just what we ask and beg him to do.  Then I would have been one of those babies who should have faced death and spared pain.  I know if we all take a look we have crossed paths with someone who from infancy or conception have suffered greatly at the hands of parents.

I never understood growing up why God allowed such painful things to be weaved into my life, and still to this day I am going through painful things.  he never promised us a life of fun, joy with no pain.  Instead he has offered us JOY among the pain.

I was abandoned by my father from infancy, my mom was a young 18 year old not sure about life, the dad figure I did finally get died when I was 4, the next dad figure I got molested me from the age of 10-14, I was rapped at 20, I was told by my mother she wished she would of had an abortion with me when I was 16, she was a good mom in the fact she never left us, but she was emotionally unavailable and we suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of people who every child trusts.  Then I lost 5 little babies to miscarriage, and one little boy who I was able to hold in my arms.

I felt robbed like I got more than my fair share, God kept picking on me.  He really hated me.  That's what my heart thought about God.

And sometimes I even wished death upon myself growing up, it seemed easier than facing the life God planned out for me.  And a few times I tried to take my own life.

I am no Saint, ask those around me.  I am one heck of a messy person.  Lately I've done my fair share of hurting people.  Not because that was my intention but because I am broken and I have been hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.  Especially those who they love.  And when you've been a hurt person I think when trying to figure out who really loves you, you hurt people to see if they will really stay.  And to test their love for you.  It's jacked up!

But among the hurt I've caused.  God is using me.  He uses all those whom love him and are willing vessels to be used.

If God took babies like Angela who he knew would suffer from the start.  He would be taking people who could make a difference in the world.  Who could bring others who have been hurt and shammed to the foot of the cross.

That's what happened to me two years ago.  I didn't know how to approach the foot of the cross, until a special woman who had been through hell helped bring me there.  Had she not been through the hell of losing her own son, she wouldn't be who she is today.  Still messy and broken and having sin, but God has used her in amazing ways.

In my opinion the people who God uses need to have had to suffer, because then and only then do we start over with a foundation that consists of HIM.  Mighty things can only be done through those like myself, a baby who was hurt, abused, neglected at the hands of someone who was entrusted with life.

If God took babies like me, there would be no Angela.  No one to give the love I give to other broken people.  I love hard and well, and deep.  I give a love to people that they have never known before I was put into their path.  There wouldn't be people who are a voice for children who suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  There wouldn't be people who could foster children who need a home, there wouldn't be amazing women getting fresh water to countries where children die all the time because of a lack of water and food.

There wouldn't be photographers who could take pictures of babies passing away, who have already died.  The world would be so much less compassionate and empathetic.  IF we had it all then we would never want to leave.  We cling to God when we are going through hell, not when life is grand and he answers all our prayers.

He doesn't allow our children to die to hurt us but rather to bring beauty out of the broken ness of the world.
We have to be willing to open our hands and let him use us.  I have seen so much beauty in families who had to do the unthinkable and bury one of their children or their only child.

Luke 22:42
42 saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”

My arms will always ache to hold Ethan, to kiss him one last time.  My heart will always wonder what Ethan would be like today.  A photograph will always be missing a little boys smile.  Occasions will come and go that remind me this is not my home.  And milestones will always pass that I will not get to experience with Ethan.  But my heart is so filled with JOY.  All because God didn't answer my prayer 5 years ago when I begged him to take the life of another baby and not mine.

I am so thankful God has weaved his love into my pain, and reminds me all the time that this is not my home.  That Ethan was never mine to begin with, Ethan was his.  He was just gift borrowed to me.  And through my pain as a child, he will use me to do big things, no one else but a little girl like me was planned to do.

It won't make sense and it never will we aren't meant to understand his plans.  Just open our fists to what he cling to as ours and what we deserve and allow God to use us, when we allow it we do big things.  Life is messy and painful I know that, I am experiencing that right now.  I don't get it, but this time I am trying not to be angry and to ask him if he is willing to please take this pain from me, and if it's not in his will then to help me to accept his will for me and to help me do it well.

Friday, June 7, 2013

At the foot of the cross..

Lately I have either A. forced myself to be at the foot of the cross or B. Found myself on my knees at the foot of the cross.  That is where our father wants us.

It's been one heck of a ride the past few months.  Last week I had a procedure done to hopefully remove all the cancer this time.  And it didn't go as I planned, well the procedure did I guess but not the support.  Last minute I ended up going by myself.

At first I was pretty bummed to put it lightly, to go into something so big all by yourself.  It's scary, granted and so very thankful I believe in a God that is mighty and amazing.  But tangibly I was alone.  And really I think it was a huge punch in the stomach at first.  The moment in my life where I sat sobbing at the foot of the cross, for the very first time knowing so well the God I serve and for the first time realizing people will never be at your side all the time.  They are human made of sin filled flesh, so no one can possibly mean what they say.  And in the end it was a good thing I was all alone.  Good in a spiritual sense, not so good in a medical sense.

I don't think I was bummed that I didn't have someone to listen to me, to be sad with me, to worry about me.  I didn't have that in the first place and you cannot make people do those things for you.  I was bummed I was going to walk into a hospital all alone, they would ask me who was with me and I would have to say no one.  I cared far too much about what they would think of me.  A woman with no support system at that moment.  Would they think, what's wrong with this girl that one is here with her? IS she really messed up?  Stupid things flooded my brain.   As always I am far too concerned about what others think of me.

I got called back and got met by my amazing nurse Janet, who of course asked if I had anyone with me, when I told her no.  I saw the look of compassion in her eyes.  And she reassured me that they wouldn't be able to let me leave until I was ok to go home, she asked me if there was anything she could do for me, took my belongings and asked if there was anyone I wanted to update?  I just told her that if anyone called or texted in regards to the procedure she could keep them up to date otherwise not to worry about it.  I joked and told her not to give me my phone until I seemed normal again.

I had a pretty hard time waking up from the anesthesia but she stayed with me the whole time.  She tried to be comforting and yet, do her job.  I could tell she felt bad I had no one there.  Which was hard, because I think I got comfortable in thinking for the first time in my life, that I would never be alone again.  I never thought that way before then, and God I think wanted to remind me that I cannot rely on others.  Parents fail us, husbands fail, us, children fail us and friends fail us, friends that become family fail us.   It's sinful nature.  And I too am a sinner!  And I have no doubt I have failed someone, or many.

And she was so amazing, not the support I would have pictured that day, but just the support God knew I would need besides him.

In this past week God, has been so present with me.  I have learned what an unfailing love my God has for all of us but for me.  His love isn't earned, or based on my behavior, actions, and he doesn't with drawl his love from me when I hurt him.  I don't think I have ever been able to receive that so clearly as I have the past few nights.

 Just the other night I laid in bed thinking of all the pain I have caused someone, thinking about how I could maybe earn my trust back, prove I am worthy of their love and presence in my life.  And I was in tears, because I screwed up and I didn't know how on earth I could get things back to semi normal.  Could I do something specific, could I apologise more, differently, do something that would prove by my actions that I really was deeply sorry.  I just cried I begged God to please soften their heart, to help me learn how to be different, better, or if this wasn't what he wanted for my life to please reveal to me what he wants me to do.

I became a beggar in a different way.  Then I remember a sermon a few week back at church where the pastor talked about being that beggar, who could show another beggar where to get help.

Then God so powerfully filled my being and reminded me, I've done all I can do.  I am forgiven I don't need to keep beating myself up for what I've done.  Just as I have forgiven other's for their hurts, I have been forgiven.  And I may never be forgiven fully by the sinful flesh of this world.  But I need to quit seeking for more than I can be given by them.  Christ has forgiven me and I am so worthy of love, I am not a bad person.  I am a person with a loving heart like Christ, I know my heart came from him.  There is no way I could have gotten through the life I have of constant mistrust, hurt, abuse, emotional abuse.  And allow all these people grace and love when they sometimes didn't deserve it.

And I will keep loving in such a way, but I need to learn to protect my heart and not give my all to people.  I need to be a little more cautious and wise.  And know that if I get hurt then it's ok.  My papa will mend that hurt.

I think I am learning slowly that I cannot keep beating myself up for the things, hurts, broken hearts, behaviors I have done in the past.  I can say I am sorry, and really really mean it.  And I can prove it by my actions.  But I do not need to prove to the world I am worth loving.  This is going to sounds nuts.  But darn it I do deserved to be loved.  I am a good, hard working, Christ loving, people loving person.  And when I say I will do something I do my best to do it.  I will not keep trying to prove to anyone but Christ that I am worthy.  And I will only keep trying to prove to him I am worthy because I am so unworthy of his prefect love.  He has done nothing to me but everything for me, and everyday I hurt him.  Everyday I do something sinful I am sure.  I think those that really love me, will love me because I am messy, I am really messy sometimes but I am worth having in their lives and I am love able.  I don't think until tonight's teaching at shift I really believed I was love able.  I always thought yep, so and so is.....but me...nah!  I have to prove it.

I've always since I was little struggled with appearance, never felt like I was beautiful.  And honestly I still struggle with that.  But I always thought I was a little beautiful on the inside.  And I thought what I had on the inside, the love I had for people.  Made up for the lack of outer beauty.  Then lately I've begin to question even that. Tonight during a random prayer, I felt God's hand over my heart telling me not to question that.  I am beautiful on the inside, really beautiful to him.  I think refined and hard pressed through the trials, God can clearly see his image in me.  That's all he wants....

Thank you Jesus for filling me tonight for letting me see you, feel you and really let you show me through the fire lately

Tonight I was reminded if we get too comfortable with anything/anyone, we take it for granted.  And I think I did take it for granted and I think there have been times I've been taken for granted.  I will change that about myself.  I won't allow myself to get too comfortable with the flesh anymore.

I have taken the gifts God has given me and I have done great things with some of them, others I have been selfish and only shared with a few people.  I've been greedy and shashed all my gifts with a select few.  It's time I use those gifts and go meet those God has me planned on sharing them with.

I never thought as a little 10 year old girl, hiding under her covers from her dad, that I could use that to help someone.  I never thought with all the lies, of how ugly I was, how horrible my tears were, how no one else could love me if my own parents couldn't show it, how not having a dad made me so different and unworthy.

A year and a half ago I let some of that go, I took a huge risk of letting people in like I have never ever on any level done.  And it's been hard pressing, challenging and at times I questioned myself as to why I did it.  I knew I would get hurt.

And yes I got hurt, let down...... But oh the glory and grace that came with it.  The lessons and gifts God has shown me through those hardships.  No regrets here.  It was a risk and in the end a delightful one, no matter the length of the blessings I've received.

If I have hurt anyone.... By an action, a comment, a look, pushing you away.  I am sorry, really really sorry.  Nothing I can do or say will change that.  NOTHING... But do know I am a woman of my heart and I do not say things like this publicly if I don't mean it.  I wish I could change a few things, mend the heart I've hurt, get trust back I've lost, laughter that once was and now diminished back.  But I cannot change anyone else, and I won't try to anymore either.

I am going to live life differently.  As I was told tonight.  Take each day as it comes, not borrowing anymore time that was never promised.  I love deeply I say I love you everyday in case it's my last.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  And I don't want to regret what I did or didn't say.

And those frailties and cracks in our clay pot? They are not to be despised, for they now serve a purpose! They allow the life of God, our cherished treasure, to seep out for all those around us to see.

    But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
    Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The dreaded C word..............

So it's really true I have cervical cancer and I've had treatment done that was unsuccessful..........

It's sinking in really sinking in.  Last week I thought it was sinking in and today it's so much more real.  Not just this word I can push to the back of my mind in a black box and not deal with.

There is so much to be done.  Insurance, hospital availability.  And there is this echoing snot in my stomach that keeps reminding me that once again I am different.  Once again God is allowing something big in my life. A challenge to remain faithful, secure to my anchor.

And yet I find myself teetering on discontent, fear, the unknown, loneliness, disappointment.  And yet his peace.

I just keep praying over and over for God to help me accept his will in this for me.  Whatever that may be.

Some day's if I am honest I wonder if this is some sort of punishment from God.  Did I do something not right in his eyes, not good enough?  So this is a way to test me more.  Or maybe God doesn't think I've shown my faith enough or he wants to put this other test in my way to see how I will handle it.  Can I give him glory from the beginning?

I am so thankful that God allowed me to have my 5 precious children and a baby for another family before he allowed this to be placed in my life.

I think my biggest weakness right now is knowing that God is all knowing and he knows the outcome.  I am a spoiled brat and want to know now.  I need or feel I need instant gratification in the outcome now not later.    SO I can plan my life and my kids lives.  So I can prepare them and myself.

I really am a brat.

However I am so proud of myself, I am so wrapped in prayer constantly now, all day long.  I am surrounding myself with healthy people.  Who truly want to get to know me.  Who like who I am as a person.  What to fight the enemy with me and make our Papa proud of all we are doing on this earth to bring people to him.

If this takes my life....I will be happy if one single person in turn sees our Papa the way I do, and becomes saved because of my faith.  That's all I want.

I rememeber last weekend at church when the pastor was reading scripture it talked about how richly we would be blessed for all we had to give up.  I now see what Christ so selflessly gave up his life for us.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Mental Battle Field

Today has been a day of learning, a day of trusting, of day of new beginnings.  A little of finding myself all over again and trying to discover what's important to me, and what I am not willing to settle for.  It's been a day filled with tears, heartache, growing pains.  A whole lot wrapped into less than 24 hours.

Trying to discover myself in Jesus what he says about me that's true and not believing the lies from the enemy or others.  It sure isn't a task anyone can just sit and do.  It's been very painful.  Not so much the iron sharpens iron kinda way that I thought it would.

It came down to defending myself against myself and against the enemy who knows at this very moment he stands a huge chance and getting my soul from God.

Maybe that's confusing for some, but let me see if I can explain it.  I know I am not the only one who's mind is a battle field.

Because of my life, I kept everything inside then the past year and a half, God really pushed me hard and I felt safe to allow it all out.  And healing came from it to an extent but more hurt also came.

Can I trust this person?  Is what they are saying true?  Am I loveable?  Why can't I be worthy?  Why do they say that?  What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?  I told you that you shouldn't trust anyone? Your own parents don't love you, how could anyone else? See you are too much, not enough!  YOu didn't do a good enough job! These are all the things that float around battling in my head.

I did life alone very alone for 30 years with the exception of my husband and children.  Whom I dearly love and adore, but it didn't fill me up the way I thought it would.  And it didn't because I was broken ok no I take that back I am still very broken and I won't be whole until my papa calls me home.  The past two years have been tumultuous for me.  Very big ups (laughter, joy, trying new things, trusting people ) and tons of roller coaster, screaming with your hands gripped tightly around the bars till your knuckles turn white down's.

I never trusted anyone after the age of ten.  With the abuse, physical and sexual growing up and a mom who was only physically around and always defended her abusive boyfriends.  I learned quickly you shut your mouth and just take it.  Here I am as a 31 year old adult and I still find myself in that pattern.

My husband and I just had this talk last night about my fear of opening up to people, him included.  It's not fair for those around me, and I am hurting myself more and more.  But the world's just not safe, people are not safe.  I know that and I've painfully learned that even to this day. I've gotten better about speaking up, but usually it will take me days of pondering what I want to say.  And is it going to be kind? and can I stand my ground?  Am I right in my feelings?  Can I be heard?  Is it worth it?....  Typically sadly I can't stand up for myself still in all situations.  I want to but I have this fear of being hurt more, at least I can control the ways I hurt myself by clamming up.  I am good at that, I know how that will feel and I know I can live with it.

But I am never sure I can live with rejection, shame, punishment in any form.

So tonight I am trying so hard to sit and defeat the lies that the enemy and the old tapes are playing against me.  I am reading his word, I have spent the entire day on my knees in a literal sense, crying tears streaming down my face and the hot stinging pain radiating from my eyes from crying so much.  To the point I am not sure I can cry a single tear more.  But somehow they just keep coming.

Trying to explain to my small children why mommy is a mess, and I am not sure "I'm just having a hard day" is working anymore.

Being a believer and follower of Christ is not for the faint of heart, and this is where I get half tempted to just give up, but I know it has to be God clinching my fist tighter to the rope of his hope and saving grace.  Back before I really trusted in God or believed a good loving father could possibly exist, I knew the battle in my head and it was one sided really.  I didn't have this other side fighting for my soul.  It was easier then, it wasn't a two sided battle.

Tonight giving up isn't so easy.  When the pain becomes to much and I want a crutch I can't just give in like I used to.  I remind myself of my kids and what I will pass onto them by making such choices.  But really I want the pain to end or at least to feel the pain differently or even be in control of the pain.

I am in a deep dark spiritual battle and how I know that is because this feels so much deeper and darker than I've ever known  It's been that way for the past week at least.  I feel a pull on myself I've never had.  Literately I feel like Satan is pulling on one arm and my daddy is pulling on the other.  But I've become to weak to even hold myself upright.

My surgery is tomorrow and for the first time in a year and a half,  I face something big with just God, no one else tangible.  So I am even weaker because having people in my life recently has been my crutch.  But I know I will get through the surgery, I've done life alone for so long I was used to it.  At least this time I can have my heavenly father with me.  I know I will walk this dark cold desolate road, because I see the light just past the cross.

However, I do wish it didn't feel this way.  I wish I could eat, sleep and quit crying.  I am sure those tears are healing tears however.  But dear Heavenly Father feel free at any time to make them stop.

I made a big step yesterday and made a lunch date with two of the care pastors at the church, that's beyond huge for me.  Time to get to know new people, learn new things, find new passions and new friends.  Push myself to my limits of discomfort.  Because on the edge of discomfort I began to find myself two years ago walking into a grief workshop.  I didn't think I would ever experience the Joy I have the past two years it was mearly something I dreamed about.  But God blessed me with a few people, new beginnings, risks and all it took was standing on the edge of discomfort and his faithfulness.

Who knows what God will bless me with in this.  But it's time I forge ahead and allow it to happen.  I don't have to trust the process and I don't have to let people know me on a deep level just the surface Angela.  I can learn to keep the deep stuff the hard stuff no one wants to hear about between me and my Papa.

This scripture is what I am clinging to today!

Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". 

And I really need to apply this one to myself I need to quit punishing myself, being unkind to myself and forgive myself.

Ephesians 4:31-32 You must put away every kind of bitterness,anger,wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another,just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

A little like Peter....

Ok I am a lot like Peter..... Wanting to trust God but sometimes I find myself drounding in doubt.

I am much like Peter in the fact I do a whole lot of jumping before I look, well I guess really that depends on the situation.  Sometimes I dip my toes in and then turn and run the other way.  Others I just go for it and jump.

Like in loving people.  Typically I love anyone and everyone with my whole heart.  Honestly maybe a little too much.  But then I look at Jesus and he seemed to love with his whole heart.  I really honestly think I have the heart of Christ.  And sometimes I wish I didn't I end up hurt more than I would if I was more careful.

That prior part has nothing to do with being a little or a lot like Peter.  But I do wish the way I loved people would change.  Just a little.  So that I myself am not putting myself out for rejection and hurt.

But back to having a faith and trust like Peter.  I feel like I am at the point in my life where Jesus is asking me to step out of the boat to trust him.  And..... I do, well my toes get a little wet with the water slightly covering my toes.  Then I jump the heck back in the boat.  But most of the time like lately I just jump in........ And then I freak out as if I didn't know how to swim.  Except it's pure panic of lacking trust.

Trust that I will be ok, that God will provide for my family.  That the things and people he takes out of my life.  He will replace with something or someone better.  He is the most loving father after all.  And the only father I have at all.  SO why wouldn't he?

Maybe he is but I am just scared to trust, scared of the unknown, or what it will feel like if he doesn't answer my prayers or plea's in my timing.  Or at all, because he has other plans.

I've never been sure anyone cares about me or has my best interest at heart.  But I can see over time that God has.  With all my crap he really has.

The molestation, he gave me compassion to help others not feel alone.  A heart to want to serve the lost and broken among abuse victims.  Understanding to them when they hate their bodies and no one else can understand the ugliness they see starring back at them, the betrayal their body played against them.

No father and a mother lost in her own broken-ness, honestly I am not sure on this one.  I thought I had this part figured out.  But have come to realize I feel teased in this area of my life.  Still no real family.  Still living with my very broken family of origin.  And unable to be loved the way I feel I need to be or would like to be.  I still feel un-lovable.  And that's heart wrenching.

Losing my third son, that was hitting rock bottom for me.  But he was there, and that's when I really found him.  That's when I felt him take my hand saying "my sweet daughter I am right here, I am so sorry I know what it's like to lose a son".  This is where I rebuilt my life.

Sometimes I just feel like I will never be good enough, and not sure what it is he wants from me.  I really HOPE to have trust that he created me exactly as he envisioned.  But among the cancer that's invaded my body, the lonely feelings and insecurities I have about being enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  I just don't know.  I want to so badly trust my papa in Heaven, but it's like when I get there something else gets ripped away from me.  Telling me I am not all those things.  I wouldn't be missed and no one here needs me.  I need to lean on him, and figure out how to not see other peoples love for me as a definition of his love.

I however know that's not true, my kids need me.  God blessed me with 5 beautiful incredible children.  And I want them to know without a doubt I will ALWAYS love them, I will never turn my back on them.  And if I screw up someday or I am not here with them.  That they have been taught all about this wonderful father in Heaven who loves them so much more than I humanly can.  I never have had someone love me that way, no one to tell me that no matter how screwed up I was, or what choices I make that they loved me.  No one who didn't walk out on me when life got hard.

They need to have a faith stronger than mine, I have to lead by example.  Even if I have a faith like Peter's.
  Regardless of the past 31 years of my life, the loss I've experienced.  I know in his timing something will come.  I have to have HOPE !!!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Silent Sufferings........

Let me see if I can even begin to explain this post.  5 days ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, 5 days ago I felt my heart be crushed with the simple word cancer.  5 days ago the enemy began an intense battle with my heart, my head and my soul.

I am not even sure if I have truly felt the magnitude of this.  Sure it isn't life ending I am I guess one of the lucky ones.  I know cervical cancer is cure able.  I know I will be ok, and even if not ok I know I serve a MIGHTY, LOVING, FAITHFUL God.  He has me in the palm of his hands.  But I am scared............. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18) really scared and I feel alone.  Thankfully feelings are misleading and I know I am not alone.  First and foremost I have my papa, he hears the echos of my soul, the deep pitted screams and moans of my soul.  When I can't get a word out he hears the words I desperately want to speak.

I am scared to fall to pieces and sometimes I let the enemy trick me into thinking this is the end, that I have to suffer silently.  And sometimes I do.  I already feel like a freak that I have this horrible thing.  

I suffer silently because I don't want to let others down, people who see me as a great disciple of God.  When I feel bad I was even angry at him for this diagnosis.  I should of never been angry I feel guilty for that.

And I know he is plenty able and strong enough to feel my anger, I know he forgives me.  But sometimes I feel confused as to what his plan is for me, as to what good he will bring of this even knowing it didn't come from him.  And I don't want to disappoint him which I feel I already accomplished when I got angry.

I didn't handle it the way I wish I would of, like a blessed servant of his.  Sad maybe but ready to take on the challenge he put before me.  I am sure he was asking, "ok daughter, how much do you really trust me?".


I know I will be ok, more than ok.  I know that I will conquer this nasty disease.  No matter if that's in the form of the cancer was cured, or if I die fighting it, but give him the glory.  But is that really possible when I didn't give him glory from the beginning?  Instead I was mad and felt the whole, "ok God, why me?  what have I done wrong now?"

Why do we as humans go there?  Why me?  Well why not me?  what makes me deserving of a care free life?

I think we think as followers we should get the easy road, but he said quite opposite of that and maybe I am being tested.  Now it's ridding the enemy of my mind.  He has sure been battling my mind hard.  In fact tonight, I almost caved and said this is far too much..... I give in....

Really I was so close, instead I reached out and pleaded to two separate people to help me.  I knew it was a battle of the mind, that's where Satan gets the best of me. 

I am not good enough

I am not love able
I am too much to handle, too overwhelming, too needy 
I am different (yup the cancer played my mind right into that.... I hate my body more than I already did, I am disgusting because of this horrible disease, as if I already didn't feel different enough)
You didn't try hard enough.... In fact you failed.....
No one wants you around... They would be better off without you....You wouldn't even been missed... your smothering.
You can't even do that right...(fill in the blank, I'm sure I've felt it)
God doesn't love you enough, you have to prove to him that your deserving of better and apparently your not.

All LIES I know they are lies from the pit of hell, logically I know that.... But sometimes like tonight I cannot make my heart believe they are lies.  

I feel like a disappointment because I am even writing this... People will be shocked to know the crap that fills my head and sometimes the crap I allow myself to believe.   

I need to learn how to get outside my head, scripture is amazing but you have to believe the scripture to conquer the lies..You have to know your value to God, to accept his love.

I guess I have a hard time separating if I can't do right by the world's standards, if no one on this earth could really love me.  Then how on earth could God?  Thank you for my salvation Jesus that despite all of this CRAP I know because I trust and believe you in and accepted you as my savior.  I will be saved.

But I don't want to just be saved I want to make my papa proud, I want other people's lives to be saved because of my faith in Christ, and the path I've walked no matter how crooked I walked it.  Tonight I am not sure I am doing that well..

Oh how my soul aches to believe this scripture...

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~

Jeremiah 29:11

More than my soul aching to believe this scripture I long so much for the day to meet my papa, for once in my lifetime to be held by my daddy.  And really be held like I've long to be held all my life.  To thank him for all the grace he has given me, for his love and forgiveness.

Dear Lord, You are awesome, glorious, beautiful and worthy of all praise. I thank You for Your perfect love that casts out fears, for Your grace that covers our broken places and for Your peace that defies the chaos we all go through - all of which come to us through our risen Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I pray that you will bless the one who reads this prayer. Draw him or her tightly to Your will. Remind her that you are a God who sees, hears, knows and loves her... no matter what. Thank You for being a God of second chances... One who is willing to forgive our most wretched messes. Thank You for being a God who heals... one who binds up heart wounds and sets captives free. Thank You for allowing us to go through trials so that we can grow in perseverance and hope and faith. Please draw each of us to a quiet place with you. Restore our strength. Renew our minds. Convict our hearts of sin. Purify us in Christ. Embolden us to proclaim Your goodness and faithfulness in conversations. Empower us to walk in Your Spirit so that those in our families and our work places and our neighborhoods would see Your love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control in us. Help us to walk worthy of the call we have in Christ. To be holy as You are holy. Mostly, Lord, be glorified in and through us. Use our circumstances, our victories, our words, our responses and our challenges to shine Your hope to a world that is in desperate need for hope. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The loneliness of a stay at home mom......

Sitting talking today to a good friend, a sister in Christ, we both sat and let out our cries within our heart.  The deep pains of loneliness of being a stay home mom.

While we know it's such a blessing from Christ to be able to sit at home and be a mother to my 5 children, her to her one child.  It's not something I take lightly I know all I do each day is for the glory of God.  So please understand when a mom says she's lonely.  It doesn't mean she doesn't know how blessed she is.  Because we do.  I know what an absolute treasure and privilege it is to be home and raising our kids and not letting strangers do it.  We know we are so very blessed our husbands can support our families so we can be at home.

But the reality is no matter how many trips to the park, walks outside, fridge covered paintings.  It is still lonely.  For me 10 years into be a stay at home mom , I've finally got to the point I miss being me, I miss free time, I miss conversation with adults because most of my adult friends work.  So while I am home with kids, they are busy and then when they are home they have life to tend to, and I'm still lonely.  And a big one is, while being home you lose being built up by people, no one gets excited to see you in the morning, or say goodbye at night.  Where I start my day is where I end my day, everyday.  The gym is my escape and I take advantage of that 5 days a week.  And I know I am blessed and I love being a mom because my kids are never there more than an hour and a half max I feel guilty for being away longer just so I can work out.

I am working so hard on doing every little task for Christ, for finding joy in all of it.  And usually I can but right now is just one of those days where you crumble and want something more.

I really miss being in the work world a little bit.  And I can't help but think there must be something more for me out there.  I am being still and I have been for a few months.  Just trying to see and hear what it is God wants for me for my family.  And nothing at this point other than a tug at my heart that this isn't all I am made for.

I am not looking for something big and grand.  Although I will admit in my heart I've always felt a seed planted that I was suppose to help change the world.  And I don't know what that looks like yet.
But I know it's there and when it's reveled it will be grand to me.  I thought I found that grand thing last year. And that was just a sweet sampling of what God wants me to do, what he has in store for me.

I need to find other moms who understand this loneliness and want the companion ship of another mom who gets them.  I need friends who want me in their life as much as I want them in mine.  Not just for selfish reasons.
Here's where I have to tell the enemy to go away and quit letting fear hold me back from finding other people who want simple plain Jane Angela in their life.  To do life with them because being a mom is a hard job, whether it's working or staying at home.  Life together is what God had planned for us.  Not this deep in your pit loneliness.  That is from Satan no doubt.

I always thought the quote of " it takes a village to raise a child ", was so stupid.  But now, I get it I really get it and it's so true.  Not just for me, but for my kids.  So my kids see how the world works that my opinions and expectations aren't the only ones out there.  I want them well rounded and well loved.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Scattered thoughts

My mind is going a million miles a minute today... And that's never a good thing for me.  So here I am to let it all out.  I've talked long, hard and deep to my Papa.  But I am not at peace.  I am also sure I am not alone, so why not just get it out there and other people can say "me too", or if they don't want to say it they know they aren't alone.

First, of all.  Lately I've been bummed a little about my dad.  Usually these feelings pass fairly quickly since I have forgiven him for leaving me and never looking back.  And I know he is broken.  But days like today I am feeling the deep hurt.  I am blessed to have a heavenly father who isn't broken, who loves me with his everything and even in my brokenness.  But I want a tangible dad that I can hug, that I can be silly with.  Go see a movie with.  A man I can turn to with my pain, challenges and get dad like advice from.  I want to hear I am proud of you.  And I want my kids to get to see me have that too.

Sure, we are all broken.. my situation is not uncommon, I am probably not anymore scarred by my daddy issues than most girls.  A lot of women don't have their dads.  I've never had one, so I get angry with myself that I am even bothered by it.  But the reality is the feelings are there and they are real.  Why God allowed my dad to take part in conceiving me and then running for the hills with every freaking excuse in the book is so far beyond me.  I am at peace that I will probably never get an answer to that.  But it doesn't take the pain away.

In my dreams from time to time I picture a little blond haired girl running and jumping on her daddy's back, being tickled.  And then other dreams where it's obviously my adult self, just sitting on the patio in rocking chairs with my dad.  Chatting, watching the kids play.  Hearing him tell me how proud I've made him.  I have never heard I am proud of you by my dad.  And I never will.... He isn't capable of that.  I get jealous ( and I hate those feelings, it isn't a quality God wants me to have), at people who have great dads, or even shitty dads but that they have a dad.

I have to wonder what my dad really thinks about me, I just do.... Does he love me at all? does he regret his decision to walk out of my life? what keeps him away?  I know I can never get back the past 31 almost 32 years of him being gone, but I'd graciously settle for starting over today.  I want my dad.

I am just letting go of my anger today I guess.  No dad, my mom well she was always there in a physical sense but she had her own shit.  She couldn't be a mom.  My childhood of abuse, neglect and abandonment made me crave to have children, to fill a void in not being love able, maybe by having kids I would have someone to love me back, and someone to call my own.  I never had that either.    Some days I am still not sure I am really love able.  It's the hurt me waiting to always be left behind for something, or someone better.

Second, I have been dealing with the hurt of a facebook post on childhood abuse.  Something was said in the effect of "God just sits there and watches a girl being abused, closes the door and says go for it I'll deal with you after".
Maybe I shouldn't be hurt by it, but as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I am.  I also believe in a good and just God.

Many years ago I did sit and wonder how on earth a loving God could possibly sit by and allow, let alone watch such an act take place.  My abuse happened for 4 years, as an adult I also became the victim of date rape.  But I am here to say now that God didn't just sit by and allow it to happen like that.

First and foremost Sin was placed into our world and therefore we were given free will.  So while yes, sometimes I wish ok all the time I wish God, would just stop cruel life changing events like that from happening.  He also never lets something that sin brings for evil to not be brought beautiful.

God was holding the ten year old little girl 21 years ago, while she was being hurt.  He cried with me.  But he also knew what beautiful events, etc would come from it.  He didn't just see those moments, those four years.  He saw beyond that.  To two years ago when my life really began to bloom.  To the woman he wanted me to become.
It was because of those deep dark, horrific moments.  I clung to something else.  What I called God all those years.  To now who I call my daddy.  I have been the spark in the lives of others who have been abused.  To get them to talk about their abuse, to begin their healing.

It will never really make sense to me, but we do live in a world of SIN and FREE WILL.  So things like childhood sexual abuse, murder, child abuse.... Will continue to take place.  And it's sins fault.  Someday he will have to answer to God for what he did to me, what he did to my friend and my babysitter and who knows what else.  And really, I think honestly he is paying for it now.  Just a little.... Revenge isn't always sweet to the hurt party.  Honestly there isn't a thing that could be done to him in this world, to give me back what he took from me.

I just wish people who don't have a clue wouldn't speak so harshly about things like this.  Even in my darkest moments when I thought there was no God, or that he turned his back on me and being molested, fondled by a grown man I called my dad was my punishment.  Really deep inside I never quit seeking the God I felt in my heart deep down in the pit of my soul.  And so much has happened to me the past even year alone.  There is no denying God is not here, that he is not the great, amazing papa we read about in the bible.  Until I really started digging into the bible I had no idea about the love he has for me.  The tears he cries for me, and what he plans for me in the future.

Third, being married to an unbeliever is so beyond hard.  I would never ever advise someone to date let alone marry someone who doesn't have the same relationship with God.  I am not saying that one person's faith can't be stronger than other's or that if he isn't a Jesus freak it won't work out.  But I am saying had I had the relationship with Jesus that I have now, I would never have been in my marriage.  Having a deep faith and having someone who doesn't believe in God can destroy a relationship.

I love my husband with my whole heart and soul.  But being un equally yoked is a huge relational hardship.  We are on such opposite ends of every single spectrum in life.  I don't get to pray with my husband at all, instead I pray to God to soften his heart, to help me learn how to be a good wife and lead my husband to salvation.  In the end the reality is I am constantly fighting Satan for my husbands soul.  It's exhausting and draining.  It's not easy to be the odd person out with friends.  I don't have a single friend who's significant other doesn't believe in God.  Thankfully I do have friend's who have been where I am at, so I've been able to borrow that hope.

But sometimes even that hope it blurred out by the exhaustion.  And some days it's really scary to see that even if he does find God it could be years or decades of this.  Honestly, it's just not the way to go.

Fourth thing is just being content...... I am so not good at that.  I've always had to be something better, try harder, do more, prove I am love able, worth it etc.... You get the point.  And right now I am not content.  I am lost, I am bored (which is a disaster in the making), and I am lonely.  I sit home with my 5 kids, 2 whom are in school during the day.  And I am really focusing hard on trying to take the mundane tasks in life and do them for God.  Little things like cleaning the house, changing diapers, reading the same book all the time, trips to the park.  But the only "me" time I get, is the gym.  Adult interaction is texting friends now and then.  An occasional lunch date with a friend.

And I really don't know how not to be at peace with this.  I so want to but honestly and forgive me God but I cannot.  I want more.  I want to be something more than a mom.  A year ago I was busy, working, being in communication with other adults.  I had a passion to help others.  Even if it took the first 6 months of that to grow and learn.  I loved it.  I found Angela, and who I thought God was waiting for.  Then abruptly it all ended.  And here I am....... home again.  Lonely, craving to do something.  But not being sure of what that is.  I am struggling because it seems like the rest of the world is moving on, and here I sit left behind.  But I'm trying to be still and listen to God to tell me what it is he wants for me.

My last little ok big thing is temptation.  It's so hard to deal with life and not want to just escape.  To not feel, to get away from all the crap.  Really some days I just don't want to feel anymore.
And yet, I've always been the good girl.  UGH !!! being the good girl is another exhausting task some days.  Now the difference is I am the good girl for Christ and not really anyone else.  However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make people proud and I didn't want to hurt the few people in my life by my choices.

I see the destruction in my family by sin and of course I don't want that.  But really no I do want to escape.  And for a few weeks I've been escaping into the word of God, into my church home, into the gym.  But Satan is a freaking prick.  He keeps nagging me, and at this point I am hanging on by a thread.  I pray so hard, no I don't just pray I cry out to God.  Constantly, everywhere.  To take this from me and if he won't because of free will.  To help me conquer this nasty thing called temptation.

Some days when you feel so left behind, like your starting over again for the hundredth time, all you can do is cave in..................  Hopefully I can stand firm after all he is my anchor.