My mind is going a million miles a minute today... And that's never a good thing for me. So here I am to let it all out. I've talked long, hard and deep to my Papa. But I am not at peace. I am also sure I am not alone, so why not just get it out there and other people can say "me too", or if they don't want to say it they know they aren't alone.
First, of all. Lately I've been bummed a little about my dad. Usually these feelings pass fairly quickly since I have forgiven him for leaving me and never looking back. And I know he is broken. But days like today I am feeling the deep hurt. I am blessed to have a heavenly father who isn't broken, who loves me with his everything and even in my brokenness. But I want a tangible dad that I can hug, that I can be silly with. Go see a movie with. A man I can turn to with my pain, challenges and get dad like advice from. I want to hear I am proud of you. And I want my kids to get to see me have that too.
Sure, we are all broken.. my situation is not uncommon, I am probably not anymore scarred by my daddy issues than most girls. A lot of women don't have their dads. I've never had one, so I get angry with myself that I am even bothered by it. But the reality is the feelings are there and they are real. Why God allowed my dad to take part in conceiving me and then running for the hills with every freaking excuse in the book is so far beyond me. I am at peace that I will probably never get an answer to that. But it doesn't take the pain away.
In my dreams from time to time I picture a little blond haired girl running and jumping on her daddy's back, being tickled. And then other dreams where it's obviously my adult self, just sitting on the patio in rocking chairs with my dad. Chatting, watching the kids play. Hearing him tell me how proud I've made him. I have never heard I am proud of you by my dad. And I never will.... He isn't capable of that. I get jealous ( and I hate those feelings, it isn't a quality God wants me to have), at people who have great dads, or even shitty dads but that they have a dad.
I have to wonder what my dad really thinks about me, I just do.... Does he love me at all? does he regret his decision to walk out of my life? what keeps him away? I know I can never get back the past 31 almost 32 years of him being gone, but I'd graciously settle for starting over today. I want my dad.
I am just letting go of my anger today I guess. No dad, my mom well she was always there in a physical sense but she had her own shit. She couldn't be a mom. My childhood of abuse, neglect and abandonment made me crave to have children, to fill a void in not being love able, maybe by having kids I would have someone to love me back, and someone to call my own. I never had that either. Some days I am still not sure I am really love able. It's the hurt me waiting to always be left behind for something, or someone better.
Second, I have been dealing with the hurt of a facebook post on childhood abuse. Something was said in the effect of "God just sits there and watches a girl being abused, closes the door and says go for it I'll deal with you after".
Maybe I shouldn't be hurt by it, but as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I am. I also believe in a good and just God.
Many years ago I did sit and wonder how on earth a loving God could possibly sit by and allow, let alone watch such an act take place. My abuse happened for 4 years, as an adult I also became the victim of date rape. But I am here to say now that God didn't just sit by and allow it to happen like that.
First and foremost Sin was placed into our world and therefore we were given free will. So while yes, sometimes I wish ok all the time I wish God, would just stop cruel life changing events like that from happening. He also never lets something that sin brings for evil to not be brought beautiful.
God was holding the ten year old little girl 21 years ago, while she was being hurt. He cried with me. But he also knew what beautiful events, etc would come from it. He didn't just see those moments, those four years. He saw beyond that. To two years ago when my life really began to bloom. To the woman he wanted me to become.
It was because of those deep dark, horrific moments. I clung to something else. What I called God all those years. To now who I call my daddy. I have been the spark in the lives of others who have been abused. To get them to talk about their abuse, to begin their healing.
It will never really make sense to me, but we do live in a world of SIN and FREE WILL. So things like childhood sexual abuse, murder, child abuse.... Will continue to take place. And it's sins fault. Someday he will have to answer to God for what he did to me, what he did to my friend and my babysitter and who knows what else. And really, I think honestly he is paying for it now. Just a little.... Revenge isn't always sweet to the hurt party. Honestly there isn't a thing that could be done to him in this world, to give me back what he took from me.
I just wish people who don't have a clue wouldn't speak so harshly about things like this. Even in my darkest moments when I thought there was no God, or that he turned his back on me and being molested, fondled by a grown man I called my dad was my punishment. Really deep inside I never quit seeking the God I felt in my heart deep down in the pit of my soul. And so much has happened to me the past even year alone. There is no denying God is not here, that he is not the great, amazing papa we read about in the bible. Until I really started digging into the bible I had no idea about the love he has for me. The tears he cries for me, and what he plans for me in the future.
Third, being married to an unbeliever is so beyond hard. I would never ever advise someone to date let alone marry someone who doesn't have the same relationship with God. I am not saying that one person's faith can't be stronger than other's or that if he isn't a Jesus freak it won't work out. But I am saying had I had the relationship with Jesus that I have now, I would never have been in my marriage. Having a deep faith and having someone who doesn't believe in God can destroy a relationship.
I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. But being un equally yoked is a huge relational hardship. We are on such opposite ends of every single spectrum in life. I don't get to pray with my husband at all, instead I pray to God to soften his heart, to help me learn how to be a good wife and lead my husband to salvation. In the end the reality is I am constantly fighting Satan for my husbands soul. It's exhausting and draining. It's not easy to be the odd person out with friends. I don't have a single friend who's significant other doesn't believe in God. Thankfully I do have friend's who have been where I am at, so I've been able to borrow that hope.
But sometimes even that hope it blurred out by the exhaustion. And some days it's really scary to see that even if he does find God it could be years or decades of this. Honestly, it's just not the way to go.
Fourth thing is just being content...... I am so not good at that. I've always had to be something better, try harder, do more, prove I am love able, worth it etc.... You get the point. And right now I am not content. I am lost, I am bored (which is a disaster in the making), and I am lonely. I sit home with my 5 kids, 2 whom are in school during the day. And I am really focusing hard on trying to take the mundane tasks in life and do them for God. Little things like cleaning the house, changing diapers, reading the same book all the time, trips to the park. But the only "me" time I get, is the gym. Adult interaction is texting friends now and then. An occasional lunch date with a friend.
And I really don't know how not to be at peace with this. I so want to but honestly and forgive me God but I cannot. I want more. I want to be something more than a mom. A year ago I was busy, working, being in communication with other adults. I had a passion to help others. Even if it took the first 6 months of that to grow and learn. I loved it. I found Angela, and who I thought God was waiting for. Then abruptly it all ended. And here I am....... home again. Lonely, craving to do something. But not being sure of what that is. I am struggling because it seems like the rest of the world is moving on, and here I sit left behind. But I'm trying to be still and listen to God to tell me what it is he wants for me.
My last little ok big thing is temptation. It's so hard to deal with life and not want to just escape. To not feel, to get away from all the crap. Really some days I just don't want to feel anymore.
And yet, I've always been the good girl. UGH !!! being the good girl is another exhausting task some days. Now the difference is I am the good girl for Christ and not really anyone else. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make people proud and I didn't want to hurt the few people in my life by my choices.
I see the destruction in my family by sin and of course I don't want that. But really no I do want to escape. And for a few weeks I've been escaping into the word of God, into my church home, into the gym. But Satan is a freaking prick. He keeps nagging me, and at this point I am hanging on by a thread. I pray so hard, no I don't just pray I cry out to God. Constantly, everywhere. To take this from me and if he won't because of free will. To help me conquer this nasty thing called temptation.
Some days when you feel so left behind, like your starting over again for the hundredth time, all you can do is cave in.................. Hopefully I can stand firm after all he is my anchor.
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