Friday, March 9, 2012

Giving up

the need to control the outcome of my current situation is so frustrating. I know God wants me to trust him and lean only on him. I am fine leaning only on him. However, with it driving my husband further and further away, and divorce a huge possibilty looking me straight in the face. I am beyond petrified.

I don't know how not to feel I need to make things better and right. I don't know how I can possibly walk away and not feel to blame for making a mess that my children have to deal with.

However, I have gave this relationship/marriage to God and I am letting go and whatever happens happens. It doesn't mean that I am doing it without wondering what the heck is going to happen, how I will get through. I am not even looking at tomorrow at this point. Strictly today, and that still feels so rotten and unmanageable.

I have found myself in tears, on my knees and praying constantly throughout the day. To make this right, better however he sees fit. I am constantly thanking him for what he has given me, the people in my life especially because I know without him Nan and my friends wouldn't be there in the way they are.

I am so content with the changes I have made. I am happy deep in my soul. And I love that I can laugh deep down into the very pit of my being. But it doesn't make this unknown easy to face.

I am teetering on the edge of giving up and saying God is it really worth it? Because right now it doesn't feel worth it at all. It really just feels rotten.

But yet, I do know he is faithful. I have found a voice I never had. I know how to ask for things I want. Like the comfort of a friend.

I had to make that request today, I had to ask if someone could make time for me. And in turn she just held me, let me cry, read the word of Jesus to me, and just held me. But not that long ago I wouldn't have known how to ask for that, how to crave it healthy and feel like I was worth loving in that way.

I guess I just keep taking it one minute at a time, then maybe a few hours and then a day. Maybe one day at a time for me is just too much right now.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dear God,

I really want to say WHY ME???? Honestly that's my first reaction. Then I must say please help me, show me, guide me.

I am so lost Lord I need you. I need this evil pain in the pit of my being to go away. The horrible dark thoughts to pass quickly and for you to give me grace, mercy and love.

I just need love right now. I am so lost and I want to do what's right, but I'm falling apart!

Always and forever,
Your afraid Daughter xoxoxo

A constant reminder

I have struggled a little bit lately with just stuff is all I can say. Deep dark crap really and I decided that I have wanted to have a daily reminder of my Heavenly father's love on me.

Not something I can hide from, wash away etc. Something that’s permant. So I decided to get Beloved tattooed on my wrist. Where I will always see it and more siginfinate is that it's right above where I used to cut. I didn't notice that the other day until he put the transfer on my wrist and then I was worried about its placement. But my friend reminded me that's one of the best spots for it.

I fall short often of remembering I have value, I am loved if by no one else by the most important person my father. I don't have an earthy father so it's not always easy to remind myself that I am loved by someone of importance, and I often second guess his love for me when I feel like a fish out of water through life sometimes.

I always feel like clay on a potter’s wheel but sometimes I feel stiff and useless. God can always mold me and all things are possible with him.

So here is my work of art; my reminder that I am his always and forever.

It's only been a day but I've found myself starring at it often and loving having a visual reminder of my worth in his eyes. It was painful but not near the pain I went through to get to this point in my life. The scars from cutting are a reminder of my past and my hurt, shame, guilt and struggle. This is a reminder of where I am going and who's I am.

Crazy how I went from the girl who said she would never ever get a tattoo, to having three. One on my back of my sweet Ethan's footprints and date, one on my ankle of dandelions to represent my husband and I and 6 little whispers to represent my kids. And now this final reminder of my value and worth in God's eyes.