Monday, April 29, 2013

Mental Battle Field

Today has been a day of learning, a day of trusting, of day of new beginnings.  A little of finding myself all over again and trying to discover what's important to me, and what I am not willing to settle for.  It's been a day filled with tears, heartache, growing pains.  A whole lot wrapped into less than 24 hours.

Trying to discover myself in Jesus what he says about me that's true and not believing the lies from the enemy or others.  It sure isn't a task anyone can just sit and do.  It's been very painful.  Not so much the iron sharpens iron kinda way that I thought it would.

It came down to defending myself against myself and against the enemy who knows at this very moment he stands a huge chance and getting my soul from God.

Maybe that's confusing for some, but let me see if I can explain it.  I know I am not the only one who's mind is a battle field.

Because of my life, I kept everything inside then the past year and a half, God really pushed me hard and I felt safe to allow it all out.  And healing came from it to an extent but more hurt also came.

Can I trust this person?  Is what they are saying true?  Am I loveable?  Why can't I be worthy?  Why do they say that?  What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?  I told you that you shouldn't trust anyone? Your own parents don't love you, how could anyone else? See you are too much, not enough!  YOu didn't do a good enough job! These are all the things that float around battling in my head.

I did life alone very alone for 30 years with the exception of my husband and children.  Whom I dearly love and adore, but it didn't fill me up the way I thought it would.  And it didn't because I was broken ok no I take that back I am still very broken and I won't be whole until my papa calls me home.  The past two years have been tumultuous for me.  Very big ups (laughter, joy, trying new things, trusting people ) and tons of roller coaster, screaming with your hands gripped tightly around the bars till your knuckles turn white down's.

I never trusted anyone after the age of ten.  With the abuse, physical and sexual growing up and a mom who was only physically around and always defended her abusive boyfriends.  I learned quickly you shut your mouth and just take it.  Here I am as a 31 year old adult and I still find myself in that pattern.

My husband and I just had this talk last night about my fear of opening up to people, him included.  It's not fair for those around me, and I am hurting myself more and more.  But the world's just not safe, people are not safe.  I know that and I've painfully learned that even to this day. I've gotten better about speaking up, but usually it will take me days of pondering what I want to say.  And is it going to be kind? and can I stand my ground?  Am I right in my feelings?  Can I be heard?  Is it worth it?....  Typically sadly I can't stand up for myself still in all situations.  I want to but I have this fear of being hurt more, at least I can control the ways I hurt myself by clamming up.  I am good at that, I know how that will feel and I know I can live with it.

But I am never sure I can live with rejection, shame, punishment in any form.

So tonight I am trying so hard to sit and defeat the lies that the enemy and the old tapes are playing against me.  I am reading his word, I have spent the entire day on my knees in a literal sense, crying tears streaming down my face and the hot stinging pain radiating from my eyes from crying so much.  To the point I am not sure I can cry a single tear more.  But somehow they just keep coming.

Trying to explain to my small children why mommy is a mess, and I am not sure "I'm just having a hard day" is working anymore.

Being a believer and follower of Christ is not for the faint of heart, and this is where I get half tempted to just give up, but I know it has to be God clinching my fist tighter to the rope of his hope and saving grace.  Back before I really trusted in God or believed a good loving father could possibly exist, I knew the battle in my head and it was one sided really.  I didn't have this other side fighting for my soul.  It was easier then, it wasn't a two sided battle.

Tonight giving up isn't so easy.  When the pain becomes to much and I want a crutch I can't just give in like I used to.  I remind myself of my kids and what I will pass onto them by making such choices.  But really I want the pain to end or at least to feel the pain differently or even be in control of the pain.

I am in a deep dark spiritual battle and how I know that is because this feels so much deeper and darker than I've ever known  It's been that way for the past week at least.  I feel a pull on myself I've never had.  Literately I feel like Satan is pulling on one arm and my daddy is pulling on the other.  But I've become to weak to even hold myself upright.

My surgery is tomorrow and for the first time in a year and a half,  I face something big with just God, no one else tangible.  So I am even weaker because having people in my life recently has been my crutch.  But I know I will get through the surgery, I've done life alone for so long I was used to it.  At least this time I can have my heavenly father with me.  I know I will walk this dark cold desolate road, because I see the light just past the cross.

However, I do wish it didn't feel this way.  I wish I could eat, sleep and quit crying.  I am sure those tears are healing tears however.  But dear Heavenly Father feel free at any time to make them stop.

I made a big step yesterday and made a lunch date with two of the care pastors at the church, that's beyond huge for me.  Time to get to know new people, learn new things, find new passions and new friends.  Push myself to my limits of discomfort.  Because on the edge of discomfort I began to find myself two years ago walking into a grief workshop.  I didn't think I would ever experience the Joy I have the past two years it was mearly something I dreamed about.  But God blessed me with a few people, new beginnings, risks and all it took was standing on the edge of discomfort and his faithfulness.

Who knows what God will bless me with in this.  But it's time I forge ahead and allow it to happen.  I don't have to trust the process and I don't have to let people know me on a deep level just the surface Angela.  I can learn to keep the deep stuff the hard stuff no one wants to hear about between me and my Papa.

This scripture is what I am clinging to today!

Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". 

And I really need to apply this one to myself I need to quit punishing myself, being unkind to myself and forgive myself.

Ephesians 4:31-32 You must put away every kind of bitterness,anger,wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another,just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

A little like Peter....

Ok I am a lot like Peter..... Wanting to trust God but sometimes I find myself drounding in doubt.

I am much like Peter in the fact I do a whole lot of jumping before I look, well I guess really that depends on the situation.  Sometimes I dip my toes in and then turn and run the other way.  Others I just go for it and jump.

Like in loving people.  Typically I love anyone and everyone with my whole heart.  Honestly maybe a little too much.  But then I look at Jesus and he seemed to love with his whole heart.  I really honestly think I have the heart of Christ.  And sometimes I wish I didn't I end up hurt more than I would if I was more careful.

That prior part has nothing to do with being a little or a lot like Peter.  But I do wish the way I loved people would change.  Just a little.  So that I myself am not putting myself out for rejection and hurt.

But back to having a faith and trust like Peter.  I feel like I am at the point in my life where Jesus is asking me to step out of the boat to trust him.  And..... I do, well my toes get a little wet with the water slightly covering my toes.  Then I jump the heck back in the boat.  But most of the time like lately I just jump in........ And then I freak out as if I didn't know how to swim.  Except it's pure panic of lacking trust.

Trust that I will be ok, that God will provide for my family.  That the things and people he takes out of my life.  He will replace with something or someone better.  He is the most loving father after all.  And the only father I have at all.  SO why wouldn't he?

Maybe he is but I am just scared to trust, scared of the unknown, or what it will feel like if he doesn't answer my prayers or plea's in my timing.  Or at all, because he has other plans.

I've never been sure anyone cares about me or has my best interest at heart.  But I can see over time that God has.  With all my crap he really has.

The molestation, he gave me compassion to help others not feel alone.  A heart to want to serve the lost and broken among abuse victims.  Understanding to them when they hate their bodies and no one else can understand the ugliness they see starring back at them, the betrayal their body played against them.

No father and a mother lost in her own broken-ness, honestly I am not sure on this one.  I thought I had this part figured out.  But have come to realize I feel teased in this area of my life.  Still no real family.  Still living with my very broken family of origin.  And unable to be loved the way I feel I need to be or would like to be.  I still feel un-lovable.  And that's heart wrenching.

Losing my third son, that was hitting rock bottom for me.  But he was there, and that's when I really found him.  That's when I felt him take my hand saying "my sweet daughter I am right here, I am so sorry I know what it's like to lose a son".  This is where I rebuilt my life.

Sometimes I just feel like I will never be good enough, and not sure what it is he wants from me.  I really HOPE to have trust that he created me exactly as he envisioned.  But among the cancer that's invaded my body, the lonely feelings and insecurities I have about being enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  I just don't know.  I want to so badly trust my papa in Heaven, but it's like when I get there something else gets ripped away from me.  Telling me I am not all those things.  I wouldn't be missed and no one here needs me.  I need to lean on him, and figure out how to not see other peoples love for me as a definition of his love.

I however know that's not true, my kids need me.  God blessed me with 5 beautiful incredible children.  And I want them to know without a doubt I will ALWAYS love them, I will never turn my back on them.  And if I screw up someday or I am not here with them.  That they have been taught all about this wonderful father in Heaven who loves them so much more than I humanly can.  I never have had someone love me that way, no one to tell me that no matter how screwed up I was, or what choices I make that they loved me.  No one who didn't walk out on me when life got hard.

They need to have a faith stronger than mine, I have to lead by example.  Even if I have a faith like Peter's.
  Regardless of the past 31 years of my life, the loss I've experienced.  I know in his timing something will come.  I have to have HOPE !!!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Silent Sufferings........

Let me see if I can even begin to explain this post.  5 days ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, 5 days ago I felt my heart be crushed with the simple word cancer.  5 days ago the enemy began an intense battle with my heart, my head and my soul.

I am not even sure if I have truly felt the magnitude of this.  Sure it isn't life ending I am I guess one of the lucky ones.  I know cervical cancer is cure able.  I know I will be ok, and even if not ok I know I serve a MIGHTY, LOVING, FAITHFUL God.  He has me in the palm of his hands.  But I am scared............. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18) really scared and I feel alone.  Thankfully feelings are misleading and I know I am not alone.  First and foremost I have my papa, he hears the echos of my soul, the deep pitted screams and moans of my soul.  When I can't get a word out he hears the words I desperately want to speak.

I am scared to fall to pieces and sometimes I let the enemy trick me into thinking this is the end, that I have to suffer silently.  And sometimes I do.  I already feel like a freak that I have this horrible thing.  

I suffer silently because I don't want to let others down, people who see me as a great disciple of God.  When I feel bad I was even angry at him for this diagnosis.  I should of never been angry I feel guilty for that.

And I know he is plenty able and strong enough to feel my anger, I know he forgives me.  But sometimes I feel confused as to what his plan is for me, as to what good he will bring of this even knowing it didn't come from him.  And I don't want to disappoint him which I feel I already accomplished when I got angry.

I didn't handle it the way I wish I would of, like a blessed servant of his.  Sad maybe but ready to take on the challenge he put before me.  I am sure he was asking, "ok daughter, how much do you really trust me?".


I know I will be ok, more than ok.  I know that I will conquer this nasty disease.  No matter if that's in the form of the cancer was cured, or if I die fighting it, but give him the glory.  But is that really possible when I didn't give him glory from the beginning?  Instead I was mad and felt the whole, "ok God, why me?  what have I done wrong now?"

Why do we as humans go there?  Why me?  Well why not me?  what makes me deserving of a care free life?

I think we think as followers we should get the easy road, but he said quite opposite of that and maybe I am being tested.  Now it's ridding the enemy of my mind.  He has sure been battling my mind hard.  In fact tonight, I almost caved and said this is far too much..... I give in....

Really I was so close, instead I reached out and pleaded to two separate people to help me.  I knew it was a battle of the mind, that's where Satan gets the best of me. 

I am not good enough

I am not love able
I am too much to handle, too overwhelming, too needy 
I am different (yup the cancer played my mind right into that.... I hate my body more than I already did, I am disgusting because of this horrible disease, as if I already didn't feel different enough)
You didn't try hard enough.... In fact you failed.....
No one wants you around... They would be better off without you....You wouldn't even been missed... your smothering.
You can't even do that right...(fill in the blank, I'm sure I've felt it)
God doesn't love you enough, you have to prove to him that your deserving of better and apparently your not.

All LIES I know they are lies from the pit of hell, logically I know that.... But sometimes like tonight I cannot make my heart believe they are lies.  

I feel like a disappointment because I am even writing this... People will be shocked to know the crap that fills my head and sometimes the crap I allow myself to believe.   

I need to learn how to get outside my head, scripture is amazing but you have to believe the scripture to conquer the lies..You have to know your value to God, to accept his love.

I guess I have a hard time separating if I can't do right by the world's standards, if no one on this earth could really love me.  Then how on earth could God?  Thank you for my salvation Jesus that despite all of this CRAP I know because I trust and believe you in and accepted you as my savior.  I will be saved.

But I don't want to just be saved I want to make my papa proud, I want other people's lives to be saved because of my faith in Christ, and the path I've walked no matter how crooked I walked it.  Tonight I am not sure I am doing that well..

Oh how my soul aches to believe this scripture...

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~

Jeremiah 29:11

More than my soul aching to believe this scripture I long so much for the day to meet my papa, for once in my lifetime to be held by my daddy.  And really be held like I've long to be held all my life.  To thank him for all the grace he has given me, for his love and forgiveness.

Dear Lord, You are awesome, glorious, beautiful and worthy of all praise. I thank You for Your perfect love that casts out fears, for Your grace that covers our broken places and for Your peace that defies the chaos we all go through - all of which come to us through our risen Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I pray that you will bless the one who reads this prayer. Draw him or her tightly to Your will. Remind her that you are a God who sees, hears, knows and loves her... no matter what. Thank You for being a God of second chances... One who is willing to forgive our most wretched messes. Thank You for being a God who heals... one who binds up heart wounds and sets captives free. Thank You for allowing us to go through trials so that we can grow in perseverance and hope and faith. Please draw each of us to a quiet place with you. Restore our strength. Renew our minds. Convict our hearts of sin. Purify us in Christ. Embolden us to proclaim Your goodness and faithfulness in conversations. Empower us to walk in Your Spirit so that those in our families and our work places and our neighborhoods would see Your love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control in us. Help us to walk worthy of the call we have in Christ. To be holy as You are holy. Mostly, Lord, be glorified in and through us. Use our circumstances, our victories, our words, our responses and our challenges to shine Your hope to a world that is in desperate need for hope. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The loneliness of a stay at home mom......

Sitting talking today to a good friend, a sister in Christ, we both sat and let out our cries within our heart.  The deep pains of loneliness of being a stay home mom.

While we know it's such a blessing from Christ to be able to sit at home and be a mother to my 5 children, her to her one child.  It's not something I take lightly I know all I do each day is for the glory of God.  So please understand when a mom says she's lonely.  It doesn't mean she doesn't know how blessed she is.  Because we do.  I know what an absolute treasure and privilege it is to be home and raising our kids and not letting strangers do it.  We know we are so very blessed our husbands can support our families so we can be at home.

But the reality is no matter how many trips to the park, walks outside, fridge covered paintings.  It is still lonely.  For me 10 years into be a stay at home mom , I've finally got to the point I miss being me, I miss free time, I miss conversation with adults because most of my adult friends work.  So while I am home with kids, they are busy and then when they are home they have life to tend to, and I'm still lonely.  And a big one is, while being home you lose being built up by people, no one gets excited to see you in the morning, or say goodbye at night.  Where I start my day is where I end my day, everyday.  The gym is my escape and I take advantage of that 5 days a week.  And I know I am blessed and I love being a mom because my kids are never there more than an hour and a half max I feel guilty for being away longer just so I can work out.

I am working so hard on doing every little task for Christ, for finding joy in all of it.  And usually I can but right now is just one of those days where you crumble and want something more.

I really miss being in the work world a little bit.  And I can't help but think there must be something more for me out there.  I am being still and I have been for a few months.  Just trying to see and hear what it is God wants for me for my family.  And nothing at this point other than a tug at my heart that this isn't all I am made for.

I am not looking for something big and grand.  Although I will admit in my heart I've always felt a seed planted that I was suppose to help change the world.  And I don't know what that looks like yet.
But I know it's there and when it's reveled it will be grand to me.  I thought I found that grand thing last year. And that was just a sweet sampling of what God wants me to do, what he has in store for me.

I need to find other moms who understand this loneliness and want the companion ship of another mom who gets them.  I need friends who want me in their life as much as I want them in mine.  Not just for selfish reasons.
Here's where I have to tell the enemy to go away and quit letting fear hold me back from finding other people who want simple plain Jane Angela in their life.  To do life with them because being a mom is a hard job, whether it's working or staying at home.  Life together is what God had planned for us.  Not this deep in your pit loneliness.  That is from Satan no doubt.

I always thought the quote of " it takes a village to raise a child ", was so stupid.  But now, I get it I really get it and it's so true.  Not just for me, but for my kids.  So my kids see how the world works that my opinions and expectations aren't the only ones out there.  I want them well rounded and well loved.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Scattered thoughts

My mind is going a million miles a minute today... And that's never a good thing for me.  So here I am to let it all out.  I've talked long, hard and deep to my Papa.  But I am not at peace.  I am also sure I am not alone, so why not just get it out there and other people can say "me too", or if they don't want to say it they know they aren't alone.

First, of all.  Lately I've been bummed a little about my dad.  Usually these feelings pass fairly quickly since I have forgiven him for leaving me and never looking back.  And I know he is broken.  But days like today I am feeling the deep hurt.  I am blessed to have a heavenly father who isn't broken, who loves me with his everything and even in my brokenness.  But I want a tangible dad that I can hug, that I can be silly with.  Go see a movie with.  A man I can turn to with my pain, challenges and get dad like advice from.  I want to hear I am proud of you.  And I want my kids to get to see me have that too.

Sure, we are all broken.. my situation is not uncommon, I am probably not anymore scarred by my daddy issues than most girls.  A lot of women don't have their dads.  I've never had one, so I get angry with myself that I am even bothered by it.  But the reality is the feelings are there and they are real.  Why God allowed my dad to take part in conceiving me and then running for the hills with every freaking excuse in the book is so far beyond me.  I am at peace that I will probably never get an answer to that.  But it doesn't take the pain away.

In my dreams from time to time I picture a little blond haired girl running and jumping on her daddy's back, being tickled.  And then other dreams where it's obviously my adult self, just sitting on the patio in rocking chairs with my dad.  Chatting, watching the kids play.  Hearing him tell me how proud I've made him.  I have never heard I am proud of you by my dad.  And I never will.... He isn't capable of that.  I get jealous ( and I hate those feelings, it isn't a quality God wants me to have), at people who have great dads, or even shitty dads but that they have a dad.

I have to wonder what my dad really thinks about me, I just do.... Does he love me at all? does he regret his decision to walk out of my life? what keeps him away?  I know I can never get back the past 31 almost 32 years of him being gone, but I'd graciously settle for starting over today.  I want my dad.

I am just letting go of my anger today I guess.  No dad, my mom well she was always there in a physical sense but she had her own shit.  She couldn't be a mom.  My childhood of abuse, neglect and abandonment made me crave to have children, to fill a void in not being love able, maybe by having kids I would have someone to love me back, and someone to call my own.  I never had that either.    Some days I am still not sure I am really love able.  It's the hurt me waiting to always be left behind for something, or someone better.

Second, I have been dealing with the hurt of a facebook post on childhood abuse.  Something was said in the effect of "God just sits there and watches a girl being abused, closes the door and says go for it I'll deal with you after".
Maybe I shouldn't be hurt by it, but as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I am.  I also believe in a good and just God.

Many years ago I did sit and wonder how on earth a loving God could possibly sit by and allow, let alone watch such an act take place.  My abuse happened for 4 years, as an adult I also became the victim of date rape.  But I am here to say now that God didn't just sit by and allow it to happen like that.

First and foremost Sin was placed into our world and therefore we were given free will.  So while yes, sometimes I wish ok all the time I wish God, would just stop cruel life changing events like that from happening.  He also never lets something that sin brings for evil to not be brought beautiful.

God was holding the ten year old little girl 21 years ago, while she was being hurt.  He cried with me.  But he also knew what beautiful events, etc would come from it.  He didn't just see those moments, those four years.  He saw beyond that.  To two years ago when my life really began to bloom.  To the woman he wanted me to become.
It was because of those deep dark, horrific moments.  I clung to something else.  What I called God all those years.  To now who I call my daddy.  I have been the spark in the lives of others who have been abused.  To get them to talk about their abuse, to begin their healing.

It will never really make sense to me, but we do live in a world of SIN and FREE WILL.  So things like childhood sexual abuse, murder, child abuse.... Will continue to take place.  And it's sins fault.  Someday he will have to answer to God for what he did to me, what he did to my friend and my babysitter and who knows what else.  And really, I think honestly he is paying for it now.  Just a little.... Revenge isn't always sweet to the hurt party.  Honestly there isn't a thing that could be done to him in this world, to give me back what he took from me.

I just wish people who don't have a clue wouldn't speak so harshly about things like this.  Even in my darkest moments when I thought there was no God, or that he turned his back on me and being molested, fondled by a grown man I called my dad was my punishment.  Really deep inside I never quit seeking the God I felt in my heart deep down in the pit of my soul.  And so much has happened to me the past even year alone.  There is no denying God is not here, that he is not the great, amazing papa we read about in the bible.  Until I really started digging into the bible I had no idea about the love he has for me.  The tears he cries for me, and what he plans for me in the future.

Third, being married to an unbeliever is so beyond hard.  I would never ever advise someone to date let alone marry someone who doesn't have the same relationship with God.  I am not saying that one person's faith can't be stronger than other's or that if he isn't a Jesus freak it won't work out.  But I am saying had I had the relationship with Jesus that I have now, I would never have been in my marriage.  Having a deep faith and having someone who doesn't believe in God can destroy a relationship.

I love my husband with my whole heart and soul.  But being un equally yoked is a huge relational hardship.  We are on such opposite ends of every single spectrum in life.  I don't get to pray with my husband at all, instead I pray to God to soften his heart, to help me learn how to be a good wife and lead my husband to salvation.  In the end the reality is I am constantly fighting Satan for my husbands soul.  It's exhausting and draining.  It's not easy to be the odd person out with friends.  I don't have a single friend who's significant other doesn't believe in God.  Thankfully I do have friend's who have been where I am at, so I've been able to borrow that hope.

But sometimes even that hope it blurred out by the exhaustion.  And some days it's really scary to see that even if he does find God it could be years or decades of this.  Honestly, it's just not the way to go.

Fourth thing is just being content...... I am so not good at that.  I've always had to be something better, try harder, do more, prove I am love able, worth it etc.... You get the point.  And right now I am not content.  I am lost, I am bored (which is a disaster in the making), and I am lonely.  I sit home with my 5 kids, 2 whom are in school during the day.  And I am really focusing hard on trying to take the mundane tasks in life and do them for God.  Little things like cleaning the house, changing diapers, reading the same book all the time, trips to the park.  But the only "me" time I get, is the gym.  Adult interaction is texting friends now and then.  An occasional lunch date with a friend.

And I really don't know how not to be at peace with this.  I so want to but honestly and forgive me God but I cannot.  I want more.  I want to be something more than a mom.  A year ago I was busy, working, being in communication with other adults.  I had a passion to help others.  Even if it took the first 6 months of that to grow and learn.  I loved it.  I found Angela, and who I thought God was waiting for.  Then abruptly it all ended.  And here I am....... home again.  Lonely, craving to do something.  But not being sure of what that is.  I am struggling because it seems like the rest of the world is moving on, and here I sit left behind.  But I'm trying to be still and listen to God to tell me what it is he wants for me.

My last little ok big thing is temptation.  It's so hard to deal with life and not want to just escape.  To not feel, to get away from all the crap.  Really some days I just don't want to feel anymore.
And yet, I've always been the good girl.  UGH !!! being the good girl is another exhausting task some days.  Now the difference is I am the good girl for Christ and not really anyone else.  However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make people proud and I didn't want to hurt the few people in my life by my choices.

I see the destruction in my family by sin and of course I don't want that.  But really no I do want to escape.  And for a few weeks I've been escaping into the word of God, into my church home, into the gym.  But Satan is a freaking prick.  He keeps nagging me, and at this point I am hanging on by a thread.  I pray so hard, no I don't just pray I cry out to God.  Constantly, everywhere.  To take this from me and if he won't because of free will.  To help me conquer this nasty thing called temptation.

Some days when you feel so left behind, like your starting over again for the hundredth time, all you can do is cave in..................  Hopefully I can stand firm after all he is my anchor.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Be still my child........

I may not make a ton of sense here, and at first I too thought I was crazy...
The past several weeks I have been praying to God asking him why I have the heart to serve all the time.  In big ways, in small ways, in all ways.
I have always kinda loved my heart but never understood why I was so loving when I have lived the life I did as a child.  Some people take advantage of my heart, others well it just freaks them out.... And a lot of people think I have motive behind it, that I want something maybe need something.

So over the past few weeks I've been on my knees, in my car just crying out to God.  This isn't a usual prayer pattern for me but I felt the need to keep calling out to him, to ask him why?  What he wanted me to do with this heart, and if honestly he would just take it away.  Sometimes I feel like my heart does more harm than good.  And really I love so deeply that I feel ashamed I love so deeply.....

In my tears the other night in the middle of my sobs I heard a voice and honestly it freaked me out.  First, I jumped to "Ok now it's really time to check myself into a mental hospital", second, "maybe I am just talking to myself".  As I just sat still I heard a response to my plea's that I know was not of me.  As soon as I was done praying I jumped out of bed and did my best to capture what God had spoken to me.  

"Angela, my child.  I am not changing you, I gave you the heart I did to love deeply as Christ loved.  People will see me through you.  I love you daughter just as you are.  Quit trying to deny the gifts I've given you.  I've put Nan in your life as to bring you to me and so that you could love her differently than she has ever been loved.  There's nothing wrong with loving the mom I gave you in her.  Quit thinking you need to be different, better or someone else.  You are Divine the way I created you".

I was freaked out none the less.  First of all it's the first time I heard God speak to me while I was praying.  I've felt the holy spirit before and that's an amazing gift in itself.  But for months I have been jealous of others who hear God tell them what to do.  Honestly, I think it all comes down to the fact he was talking to me.  I just didn't trust him enough to listen.  And I wasn't open to getting a response from him in the first place.

I know with no uncertainty that he was talking to me that what I heard was not from myself.  First of all I am not the kind of person that can be loving to myself (Sorry God) and secondly calling myself Divine is so way off track for something I could think about myself.  I think a lot of people are Divine the way God created them, just not me.

I really am starting to love the heart God gave me.  And there is a reason I have catapulted myself into some people's lives.  A few women especially.
Again I know that was God doing that.  I have never been one to trust someone so much as I do these women, let alone open up my life to them.  My secrets, shame, tears, fears and trust them with my vunerability.  That is a God given blessing, nothing of my own.

Thank you Jesus, for all the work you are doing in me.  I am your master piece and I hope the people you have put into my life, will open up their hands to my love and release the grip of unfamiliarity.  You are amazing Papa, I can never thank you enough for all the work you have done in the past year alone.  I know I am stubborn and deep but ultimately I am yours papa.  And I couldn't be more blessed.

Thank you father for seeing me with your eyes and continue to help me embrace this woman you created me to be.  I am yours to mold help me to be a blessing to others, and receive the blessings I know you have for me.  You are such a good and gracious God.  Continue to use me and my family to bring Glory to your name, you above are Holy!  Thank you for your love I do not deserve it!

Thank you Papa it's in your beautiful son Christs name I pray 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,

 kindness, goodness, faithfulness ~ Galatians 5:22 (NIV)