Trying to discover myself in Jesus what he says about me that's true and not believing the lies from the enemy or others. It sure isn't a task anyone can just sit and do. It's been very painful. Not so much the iron sharpens iron kinda way that I thought it would.
It came down to defending myself against myself and against the enemy who knows at this very moment he stands a huge chance and getting my soul from God.
Maybe that's confusing for some, but let me see if I can explain it. I know I am not the only one who's mind is a battle field.
Because of my life, I kept everything inside then the past year and a half, God really pushed me hard and I felt safe to allow it all out. And healing came from it to an extent but more hurt also came.
Can I trust this person? Is what they are saying true? Am I loveable? Why can't I be worthy? Why do they say that? What's wrong with me? Why am I this way? I told you that you shouldn't trust anyone? Your own parents don't love you, how could anyone else? See you are too much, not enough! YOu didn't do a good enough job! These are all the things that float around battling in my head.
I did life alone very alone for 30 years with the exception of my husband and children. Whom I dearly love and adore, but it didn't fill me up the way I thought it would. And it didn't because I was broken ok no I take that back I am still very broken and I won't be whole until my papa calls me home. The past two years have been tumultuous for me. Very big ups (laughter, joy, trying new things, trusting people ) and tons of roller coaster, screaming with your hands gripped tightly around the bars till your knuckles turn white down's.
I never trusted anyone after the age of ten. With the abuse, physical and sexual growing up and a mom who was only physically around and always defended her abusive boyfriends. I learned quickly you shut your mouth and just take it. Here I am as a 31 year old adult and I still find myself in that pattern.
My husband and I just had this talk last night about my fear of opening up to people, him included. It's not fair for those around me, and I am hurting myself more and more. But the world's just not safe, people are not safe. I know that and I've painfully learned that even to this day. I've gotten better about speaking up, but usually it will take me days of pondering what I want to say. And is it going to be kind? and can I stand my ground? Am I right in my feelings? Can I be heard? Is it worth it?.... Typically sadly I can't stand up for myself still in all situations. I want to but I have this fear of being hurt more, at least I can control the ways I hurt myself by clamming up. I am good at that, I know how that will feel and I know I can live with it.
But I am never sure I can live with rejection, shame, punishment in any form.
So tonight I am trying so hard to sit and defeat the lies that the enemy and the old tapes are playing against me. I am reading his word, I have spent the entire day on my knees in a literal sense, crying tears streaming down my face and the hot stinging pain radiating from my eyes from crying so much. To the point I am not sure I can cry a single tear more. But somehow they just keep coming.
Trying to explain to my small children why mommy is a mess, and I am not sure "I'm just having a hard day" is working anymore.
Being a believer and follower of Christ is not for the faint of heart, and this is where I get half tempted to just give up, but I know it has to be God clinching my fist tighter to the rope of his hope and saving grace. Back before I really trusted in God or believed a good loving father could possibly exist, I knew the battle in my head and it was one sided really. I didn't have this other side fighting for my soul. It was easier then, it wasn't a two sided battle.
Tonight giving up isn't so easy. When the pain becomes to much and I want a crutch I can't just give in like I used to. I remind myself of my kids and what I will pass onto them by making such choices. But really I want the pain to end or at least to feel the pain differently or even be in control of the pain.
I am in a deep dark spiritual battle and how I know that is because this feels so much deeper and darker than I've ever known It's been that way for the past week at least. I feel a pull on myself I've never had. Literately I feel like Satan is pulling on one arm and my daddy is pulling on the other. But I've become to weak to even hold myself upright.
My surgery is tomorrow and for the first time in a year and a half, I face something big with just God, no one else tangible. So I am even weaker because having people in my life recently has been my crutch. But I know I will get through the surgery, I've done life alone for so long I was used to it. At least this time I can have my heavenly father with me. I know I will walk this dark cold desolate road, because I see the light just past the cross.
However, I do wish it didn't feel this way. I wish I could eat, sleep and quit crying. I am sure those tears are healing tears however. But dear Heavenly Father feel free at any time to make them stop.
I made a big step yesterday and made a lunch date with two of the care pastors at the church, that's beyond huge for me. Time to get to know new people, learn new things, find new passions and new friends. Push myself to my limits of discomfort. Because on the edge of discomfort I began to find myself two years ago walking into a grief workshop. I didn't think I would ever experience the Joy I have the past two years it was mearly something I dreamed about. But God blessed me with a few people, new beginnings, risks and all it took was standing on the edge of discomfort and his faithfulness.
Who knows what God will bless me with in this. But it's time I forge ahead and allow it to happen. I don't have to trust the process and I don't have to let people know me on a deep level just the surface Angela. I can learn to keep the deep stuff the hard stuff no one wants to hear about between me and my Papa.
This scripture is what I am clinging to today!
Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding".
And I really need to apply this one to myself I need to quit punishing myself, being unkind to myself and forgive myself.
Ephesians 4:31-32 You must put away every kind of bitterness,anger,wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another,just as God in Christ also forgave you.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.