The past several weeks I have been praying to God asking him why I have the heart to serve all the time. In big ways, in small ways, in all ways.
I have always kinda loved my heart but never understood why I was so loving when I have lived the life I did as a child. Some people take advantage of my heart, others well it just freaks them out.... And a lot of people think I have motive behind it, that I want something maybe need something.
So over the past few weeks I've been on my knees, in my car just crying out to God. This isn't a usual prayer pattern for me but I felt the need to keep calling out to him, to ask him why? What he wanted me to do with this heart, and if honestly he would just take it away. Sometimes I feel like my heart does more harm than good. And really I love so deeply that I feel ashamed I love so deeply.....
In my tears the other night in the middle of my sobs I heard a voice and honestly it freaked me out. First, I jumped to "Ok now it's really time to check myself into a mental hospital", second, "maybe I am just talking to myself". As I just sat still I heard a response to my plea's that I know was not of me. As soon as I was done praying I jumped out of bed and did my best to capture what God had spoken to me.
"Angela, my child. I am not changing you, I gave you the heart I did to love deeply as Christ loved. People will see me through you. I love you daughter just as you are. Quit trying to deny the gifts I've given you. I've put Nan in your life as to bring you to me and so that you could love her differently than she has ever been loved. There's nothing wrong with loving the mom I gave you in her. Quit thinking you need to be different, better or someone else. You are Divine the way I created you".
I was freaked out none the less. First of all it's the first time I heard God speak to me while I was praying. I've felt the holy spirit before and that's an amazing gift in itself. But for months I have been jealous of others who hear God tell them what to do. Honestly, I think it all comes down to the fact he was talking to me. I just didn't trust him enough to listen. And I wasn't open to getting a response from him in the first place.
I know with no uncertainty that he was talking to me that what I heard was not from myself. First of all I am not the kind of person that can be loving to myself (Sorry God) and secondly calling myself Divine is so way off track for something I could think about myself. I think a lot of people are Divine the way God created them, just not me.
I really am starting to love the heart God gave me. And there is a reason I have catapulted myself into some people's lives. A few women especially.
Again I know that was God doing that. I have never been one to trust someone so much as I do these women, let alone open up my life to them. My secrets, shame, tears, fears and trust them with my vunerability. That is a God given blessing, nothing of my own.
Thank you Jesus, for all the work you are doing in me. I am your master piece and I hope the people you have put into my life, will open up their hands to my love and release the grip of unfamiliarity. You are amazing Papa, I can never thank you enough for all the work you have done in the past year alone. I know I am stubborn and deep but ultimately I am yours papa. And I couldn't be more blessed.
Thank you father for seeing me with your eyes and continue to help me embrace this woman you created me to be. I am yours to mold help me to be a blessing to others, and receive the blessings I know you have for me. You are such a good and gracious God. Continue to use me and my family to bring Glory to your name, you above are Holy! Thank you for your love I do not deserve it!
Thank you Papa it's in your beautiful son Christs name I pray
Amen
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness ~ Galatians 5:22 (NIV)
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