I am not even sure if I have truly felt the magnitude of this. Sure it isn't life ending I am I guess one of the lucky ones. I know cervical cancer is cure able. I know I will be ok, and even if not ok I know I serve a MIGHTY, LOVING, FAITHFUL God. He has me in the palm of his hands. But I am scared............. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18) really scared and I feel alone. Thankfully feelings are misleading and I know I am not alone. First and foremost I have my papa, he hears the echos of my soul, the deep pitted screams and moans of my soul. When I can't get a word out he hears the words I desperately want to speak.
I am scared to fall to pieces and sometimes I let the enemy trick me into thinking this is the end, that I have to suffer silently. And sometimes I do. I already feel like a freak that I have this horrible thing.
I suffer silently because I don't want to let others down, people who see me as a great disciple of God. When I feel bad I was even angry at him for this diagnosis. I should of never been angry I feel guilty for that.
And I know he is plenty able and strong enough to feel my anger, I know he forgives me. But sometimes I feel confused as to what his plan is for me, as to what good he will bring of this even knowing it didn't come from him. And I don't want to disappoint him which I feel I already accomplished when I got angry.
I didn't handle it the way I wish I would of, like a blessed servant of his. Sad maybe but ready to take on the challenge he put before me. I am sure he was asking, "ok daughter, how much do you really trust me?".
I failed MISERABLY
I know I will be ok, more than ok. I know that I will conquer this nasty disease. No matter if that's in the form of the cancer was cured, or if I die fighting it, but give him the glory. But is that really possible when I didn't give him glory from the beginning? Instead I was mad and felt the whole, "ok God, why me? what have I done wrong now?"
Why do we as humans go there? Why me? Well why not me? what makes me deserving of a care free life?
I think we think as followers we should get the easy road, but he said quite opposite of that and maybe I am being tested. Now it's ridding the enemy of my mind. He has sure been battling my mind hard. In fact tonight, I almost caved and said this is far too much..... I give in....
Really I was so close, instead I reached out and pleaded to two separate people to help me. I knew it was a battle of the mind, that's where Satan gets the best of me.
I am not good enough
I am not love able
I am too much to handle, too overwhelming, too needy
I am different (yup the cancer played my mind right into that.... I hate my body more than I already did, I am disgusting because of this horrible disease, as if I already didn't feel different enough)
You didn't try hard enough.... In fact you failed.....
No one wants you around... They would be better off without you....You wouldn't even been missed... your smothering.
You can't even do that right...(fill in the blank, I'm sure I've felt it)
God doesn't love you enough, you have to prove to him that your deserving of better and apparently your not.
All LIES I know they are lies from the pit of hell, logically I know that.... But sometimes like tonight I cannot make my heart believe they are lies.
I feel like a disappointment because I am even writing this... People will be shocked to know the crap that fills my head and sometimes the crap I allow myself to believe.
I need to learn how to get outside my head, scripture is amazing but you have to believe the scripture to conquer the lies..You have to know your value to God, to accept his love.
I guess I have a hard time separating if I can't do right by the world's standards, if no one on this earth could really love me. Then how on earth could God? Thank you for my salvation Jesus that despite all of this CRAP I know because I trust and believe you in and accepted you as my savior. I will be saved.
But I don't want to just be saved I want to make my papa proud, I want other people's lives to be saved because of my faith in Christ, and the path I've walked no matter how crooked I walked it. Tonight I am not sure I am doing that well..
Oh how my soul aches to believe this scripture...
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~
Jeremiah 29:11
More than my soul aching to believe this scripture I long so much for the day to meet my papa, for once in my lifetime to be held by my daddy. And really be held like I've long to be held all my life. To thank him for all the grace he has given me, for his love and forgiveness.
Dear Lord, You are awesome, glorious, beautiful and worthy of all praise. I thank You for Your perfect love that casts out fears, for Your grace that covers our broken places and for Your peace that defies the chaos we all go through - all of which come to us through our risen Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I pray that you will bless the one who reads this prayer. Draw him or her tightly to Your will. Remind her that you are a God who sees, hears, knows and loves her... no matter what. Thank You for being a God of second chances... One who is willing to forgive our most wretched messes. Thank You for being a God who heals... one who binds up heart wounds and sets captives free. Thank You for allowing us to go through trials so that we can grow in perseverance and hope and faith. Please draw each of us to a quiet place with you. Restore our strength. Renew our minds. Convict our hearts of sin. Purify us in Christ. Embolden us to proclaim Your goodness and faithfulness in conversations. Empower us to walk in Your Spirit so that those in our families and our work places and our neighborhoods would see Your love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control in us. Help us to walk worthy of the call we have in Christ. To be holy as You are holy. Mostly, Lord, be glorified in and through us. Use our circumstances, our victories, our words, our responses and our challenges to shine Your hope to a world that is in desperate need for hope. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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