I am much like Peter in the fact I do a whole lot of jumping before I look, well I guess really that depends on the situation. Sometimes I dip my toes in and then turn and run the other way. Others I just go for it and jump.
Like in loving people. Typically I love anyone and everyone with my whole heart. Honestly maybe a little too much. But then I look at Jesus and he seemed to love with his whole heart. I really honestly think I have the heart of Christ. And sometimes I wish I didn't I end up hurt more than I would if I was more careful.
That prior part has nothing to do with being a little or a lot like Peter. But I do wish the way I loved people would change. Just a little. So that I myself am not putting myself out for rejection and hurt.
But back to having a faith and trust like Peter. I feel like I am at the point in my life where Jesus is asking me to step out of the boat to trust him. And..... I do, well my toes get a little wet with the water slightly covering my toes. Then I jump the heck back in the boat. But most of the time like lately I just jump in........ And then I freak out as if I didn't know how to swim. Except it's pure panic of lacking trust.
Trust that I will be ok, that God will provide for my family. That the things and people he takes out of my life. He will replace with something or someone better. He is the most loving father after all. And the only father I have at all. SO why wouldn't he?
Maybe he is but I am just scared to trust, scared of the unknown, or what it will feel like if he doesn't answer my prayers or plea's in my timing. Or at all, because he has other plans.
I've never been sure anyone cares about me or has my best interest at heart. But I can see over time that God has. With all my crap he really has.
The molestation, he gave me compassion to help others not feel alone. A heart to want to serve the lost and broken among abuse victims. Understanding to them when they hate their bodies and no one else can understand the ugliness they see starring back at them, the betrayal their body played against them.
No father and a mother lost in her own broken-ness, honestly I am not sure on this one. I thought I had this part figured out. But have come to realize I feel teased in this area of my life. Still no real family. Still living with my very broken family of origin. And unable to be loved the way I feel I need to be or would like to be. I still feel un-lovable. And that's heart wrenching.
Losing my third son, that was hitting rock bottom for me. But he was there, and that's when I really found him. That's when I felt him take my hand saying "my sweet daughter I am right here, I am so sorry I know what it's like to lose a son". This is where I rebuilt my life.
Sometimes I just feel like I will never be good enough, and not sure what it is he wants from me. I really HOPE to have trust that he created me exactly as he envisioned. But among the cancer that's invaded my body, the lonely feelings and insecurities I have about being enough, worthy, lovable, wanted. I just don't know. I want to so badly trust my papa in Heaven, but it's like when I get there something else gets ripped away from me. Telling me I am not all those things. I wouldn't be missed and no one here needs me. I need to lean on him, and figure out how to not see other peoples love for me as a definition of his love.
I however know that's not true, my kids need me. God blessed me with 5 beautiful incredible children. And I want them to know without a doubt I will ALWAYS love them, I will never turn my back on them. And if I screw up someday or I am not here with them. That they have been taught all about this wonderful father in Heaven who loves them so much more than I humanly can. I never have had someone love me that way, no one to tell me that no matter how screwed up I was, or what choices I make that they loved me. No one who didn't walk out on me when life got hard.
They need to have a faith stronger than mine, I have to lead by example. Even if I have a faith like Peter's.
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