I have been thinking of this journey in life that I am on. And I know I still have so far to go but yet I guess really I have come so darn far; in such a short amount of time.
Really I started this process of relying on God back in November of 2011 when I puked my life story in the Nan's office; she was a care pastor at the time. I am not even sure what possessed me to do that. It's not something that I would typically do.
I have always been rather over-protective of my life story in fear mostly. I hadn't even known her that long or well at all. I think I would have to give the credit to God on this one, mainly because of how outside my comfort zone it really was and because I never trusted anyone in my life that much or that fast. But I didn't hold a lot back, and here it is only 4 months later and there isn't a single thing this woman doesn't know about me.
Even if they are things those closest to me don't know or things I am very ashamed of she knows them all.
I think God knew it was time to take out the trash so to speak, and then I was given a platform to speak my truth, tell my story and use it for good, even those dark things. They will do something for someone else and that is only because God placed these people in my life.
I am still his masterpiece in progress and I know that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by his love, his work in me and the wonders I am only beginning to skim through.
I want to feel him more throughout my day like others do; I want to be more ok with not having the tangible love from my heavenly father. And I also need to let worry go, quit worrying about tomorrow and what it hold and be content in what today offers.
That's not easy for someone who wants to make everything work the way it seems it should.
I believe it was back at the retreat at the beginning of February I attended where I heard someone say. "If we knew the details we would chose what he has for us".
And how true that is. I have been through so much I would rather not call myself a victim but rather a victor and I would never have chosen the paths he allowed me to take in life or the things I have been through to make me more like his image. But in the end "those things", did just what he wanted and I would like to think I am a pretty good person because of them.
I still don't like thinking about being molested, raped twice, and losing my son. It's not easy to swallow from time to time. But I am getting so much better at looking at it as me being the clay on that spinning thing (I have no clue what they are called and I am too lazy to look it up), that is taking shape.
The clay doesn't always stiffen just right, it falls apart sometimes, sometimes a little too much water is added and it's soggy. But in the end the masterpiece is just as planned, even if it has a few marks, nicks, and odd bends in its shape.
He is my master and I am just his clay.
I cannot believe I am here, I just sit at times and look around me and think to myself, “This is so not how I thought my story would end". I really thought I would of been dead by now, I never thought I would be a mom to 6 amazing, loving, talented, awesome children. NEVER.
I surely didn't think I would have God on my side, I always thought he hated me, that I was just a disappointment in his life too. Now I am speaking his truth and each day with a little more condfidence.
I never thought I would be surrounded with the love I am today, that I would go from the shy girl who stayed home in fear to speaking her truth, running around like a child, and soaking up every opportunity that comes her way. I never thought I could love another male figure in my life (besides my husband) but I in fact do now. I don't even think twice about loving him and I don't cringe when he hugs me. I actually, look forward to those hugs.
I sit and read other people write or talk about where they are with God and I remember being there as well. I remember thinking there is no way I can sit and church and sing songs of praise to him, that he gives and takes away and be ok with it. I was such an angry cold person not that long ago.
I longed for his love, but I was so blind to see it was always there.
God is so faithful it just takes dusting off, brushing the dirt and scum of the world out of our eyes to see it.
I cannot believe this is my life now and I am so thankful. Thank you God for doing what you’re doing in me, for having faith in me when I have none. For lending me the love of your children and for them opening their hearts for a little space for me. Thank you for trusting me to do what I am doing and for loving me so much you don't turn away when I make mistakes. I will do my best to be a disciple of your love and will.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Loved
I wasn't sure where to put this but I need to just put it out there. The past 4 months have been one heck of a roller coaster ride.
Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.
God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.
And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.
She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.
Oh, she loves me so well.
I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.
When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.
Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.
As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.
When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.
At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.
I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.
God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.
All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.
Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!
And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.
Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.
God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.
And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.
She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.
Oh, she loves me so well.
I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.
When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.
Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.
As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.
When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.
At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.
I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.
God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.
All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.
Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!
And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A list of things I am proud of......
In counseling yesterday Rae gave me some homework so to speak and I am suppose to place in on my blog. So here I go attempting to make a list of all the things I am proud of......
1. I am proud of myself for losing 60lbs, it wasn't an easy task.
2. I am proud of allowing God in my life again and giving my life over to him (this should be #1)
3. I am proud of myself for breaking the cycle of abuse in my family.
4. I am proud of myself for letting others love me, and have equal relationships rather than constanly just giving of myself.
5. I am proud of myself for not rolling over and dying after losing my son. It was an option I just didn't take it.
6. I am proud of myself for using the talents and heart God gave me to serve others following many paths I was once on.
7. I am proud of myself for forgiving my stepfather for molesting me.
8. I am proud of myself for forgiving my dad for abadonding me.
9. I am proud of myself for sharing my story with MyLifeFix. It was no easy task but very rewarding in the end.
10. I am proud of myself for being a constant work in progress towards my goal of being the parent I want to be.
11. I am proud of myself for catching myself in old patterns and acknowleding those tapes, lies and attempting to change them. This is still something I have to work on constantly.
12. I am proud of myself for learning I need to be me, find myself and be happy with myself in order to be of service to my family. And be a good wife and mom. As well as no guilt in doing so.
13. I am proud of myself for getting out of the boat on several things, issues lately. The Hope Mommies Retreat, feeling free to praise God in church how I see fit without worry/codependancy issues.
14. I am proud of myself for learning boundries in relationships I was never taught growing up and applying them even when not easy.
15. I am proud of myself for not giving up when things are uncomfortable. But maybe reaching out and asking for help. And in turn not feeling weak for asking for that help.
16. I am proud of myself for learning my tears are precious to God and not such a horrible attribute I have.
17. I am proud of myself for loving my kids the way my heart says to.
18. I am proud of myself and my family for taking on raising a child who isn't biologically ours and yet loving her as she is.
19. I am proud of myself for learning and starting to accept my family or origin is broken and that's ok. I still have a family who loves me, it may not be the ones who are suppose to, but the ones who want to.
20. I am proud of myself for starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.
21. I am proud of myself in letting go of the guilt and shame connected to my sexual abuse.
22. I am proud of myself for doing the 6 month long Incest surviors group a few years ago.
23. I am proud of myself for stepping into groups such as the grief workshop, shift and step study. Knowing it would be hard but seeing the fruitful blessings that would come of it.
24. I am proud of myself for speaking up for myself.
25. I am proud of myself for honoring my son's life even though he isn't here and doing what my heart says is the right thing in regards to him. Even if it makes other's uncomfortable. I can acknowledge that, that is their issue not mine.
26. For saying I was rapped and be willing to work on it, despite the fear, pain and worry that is being brought up, by rehashing it all again.
I was a little worried about this task but a year ago even I wouldn't have been able to accomplish even 5 of these. I have grown so much and I know the credit all belongs to God for this. I have become so much in learning to lean on him and trust him. He is so faithful.
1. I am proud of myself for losing 60lbs, it wasn't an easy task.
2. I am proud of allowing God in my life again and giving my life over to him (this should be #1)
3. I am proud of myself for breaking the cycle of abuse in my family.
4. I am proud of myself for letting others love me, and have equal relationships rather than constanly just giving of myself.
5. I am proud of myself for not rolling over and dying after losing my son. It was an option I just didn't take it.
6. I am proud of myself for using the talents and heart God gave me to serve others following many paths I was once on.
7. I am proud of myself for forgiving my stepfather for molesting me.
8. I am proud of myself for forgiving my dad for abadonding me.
9. I am proud of myself for sharing my story with MyLifeFix. It was no easy task but very rewarding in the end.
10. I am proud of myself for being a constant work in progress towards my goal of being the parent I want to be.
11. I am proud of myself for catching myself in old patterns and acknowleding those tapes, lies and attempting to change them. This is still something I have to work on constantly.
12. I am proud of myself for learning I need to be me, find myself and be happy with myself in order to be of service to my family. And be a good wife and mom. As well as no guilt in doing so.
13. I am proud of myself for getting out of the boat on several things, issues lately. The Hope Mommies Retreat, feeling free to praise God in church how I see fit without worry/codependancy issues.
14. I am proud of myself for learning boundries in relationships I was never taught growing up and applying them even when not easy.
15. I am proud of myself for not giving up when things are uncomfortable. But maybe reaching out and asking for help. And in turn not feeling weak for asking for that help.
16. I am proud of myself for learning my tears are precious to God and not such a horrible attribute I have.
17. I am proud of myself for loving my kids the way my heart says to.
18. I am proud of myself and my family for taking on raising a child who isn't biologically ours and yet loving her as she is.
19. I am proud of myself for learning and starting to accept my family or origin is broken and that's ok. I still have a family who loves me, it may not be the ones who are suppose to, but the ones who want to.
20. I am proud of myself for starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.
21. I am proud of myself in letting go of the guilt and shame connected to my sexual abuse.
22. I am proud of myself for doing the 6 month long Incest surviors group a few years ago.
23. I am proud of myself for stepping into groups such as the grief workshop, shift and step study. Knowing it would be hard but seeing the fruitful blessings that would come of it.
24. I am proud of myself for speaking up for myself.
25. I am proud of myself for honoring my son's life even though he isn't here and doing what my heart says is the right thing in regards to him. Even if it makes other's uncomfortable. I can acknowledge that, that is their issue not mine.
26. For saying I was rapped and be willing to work on it, despite the fear, pain and worry that is being brought up, by rehashing it all again.
I was a little worried about this task but a year ago even I wouldn't have been able to accomplish even 5 of these. I have grown so much and I know the credit all belongs to God for this. I have become so much in learning to lean on him and trust him. He is so faithful.
Monday, February 6, 2012
A weekend of HOPE
I spent the weekend with Hope Mommies. A group of women who's babies were born out of hope, prayed for in hope, and taken to Christ in hope.
I was so nervous more than I can write down. This was something so outside my comfort zone. First of all traveling alone, I am terrified of flying, secondly going to meet 25 women I have never met in real life, in another state in the middle of no where.
This just seemed crazy to me, absolutely terrifying yet I was so excited.
I arrived at the airport on friday after a drive through good old Colorado snow. I was shaking from head to toe and not from the cold but from my nerves. My friend gave me a giant hug and prayed a little prayer for me.
I got my stuff all checked in and grabbed something to eat in hopes to settle my nerves. Sat at my gate and just sat. I felt like a little kid I couldn't sit still. The excitment was like being a little kid at Christmas. I couldn't wait to get there and see what God had in store for me.
I know the only reason I booked a ticket was because of him. I would have never otherwise done that.
Just as I got on the plane and seated one of the most beautiful people ever sent me a text. It read " Travel in Peace; I know God has something beautiful awaiting you in Texas! I love you and I'm so proud of you as you step out of the boat this weekend. Jesus will be waiting you on the waves".
I sat in tears thank God no one was sitting next to me, they would of thought I was a nut job. And the lady in front of me glanced at me once but went about her conversation about partying and drugs.
I knew at that moment God was so very real to me, that he so very much loved me. That I was doing the right thing. I don't think I have ever been told anyone was proud of me before that time. It took 30 years to genuinely hear it, and it was so refreshing.
And she was right. God did have such amazing things planned out for me that weekend in Texas.
I laneded in Texas and headed to baggage claim (which of course my bags never made it to Texas with me). And got Elaine's text telling me where she was waiting for me at.
I met her gave her a big hug and then awaited for Kristi, again met another treaure of the weekend.
We spent the afternoon at walmart getting me some clothes to wear since I had none. Lunch at a mexican place which was yummy. And tons of conversation. Women I had never met before those moments, yet I felt like I knew them forever. Then the hour and a half drive to the ranch in the middle of no where.
I learned about Texas "I was fixing to gain more hope this weekend ya'll". And all about Canada/ I learned Zoey has elastics (hair ties), and eh.
It was a blast. Arrived at the BEAUTIFUL ranch. The pictures we saw before the retreat did no justice to this amazing place.
I was still very nervous as we arrived still worried, these girls wouldn't like me and I would feel out of place.
God calmed my heart as I met them all. I felt like I belonged, and that was true peace.
We spent the nice in community, worship singing songs of worship and getting to know one another.
The next morning arrived and we were blessed with 4 women who pampered us with such amazing meals the whole entire weekend. I didn't know how to take someone doing all the work and cleanup. But it provided us a chance to talk more and just take it easy for the weekend. Did I mention how incredibly amazing the food was? This morning when I woke up and got an email from Cara telling us she missed us and breakfast was ready and getting cold. It made me want to hop back onto a plane and head back.
Saturday we were blessed to have a speaker who has lost 2 babies and a 6 year old. God is using her incredible strength he gave her to give him Glory. We split into small groups and chatted, a lot of times my group got into such deep talk we missed a lot of the discussion questions. But I know God had a reason for that.
We also had a photoshoot with the amazing Tisha, group photos, fun photos and then individual ones YIKES.
We took a walk down to the river and learned about Texas fire ants, how scary bunnies can be when you least except it. Oh and I forgot all about Elaine's stories of vampires and zombies.
I met Kelly and Erin as well, and have to say they both have blessed my life. Kelly has watched me from afar online and told me this weekend how proud she was of the work and transformation God has done. It made me tear up. And Erin starting up Hope Mommies gave me Hope and a family in all of the Hope mommies.
I felt at times I was able to bring Glory to God as well, as I sat and talked to women new in this journey.
Saturday night we went into the dinner room and did an art project. I was VERY overwhelmed with this project at first. We were given a bag with a clay pot that was all broken up in big pieces.
We were asked to paint or write on a few of the inside pieces of a few things that have happened to us outside our control, and then a few pieces put things/pictures of things that have happened to us/or we have done that were in our control. I was panic striken at first and then realized this was just another step in healing. So I took the challenge.
Then we took the pieces of the pot and on the outside of it painted or did pictures of how God has brought light into our lives, the things he has provided us with through all these things. Then I realized my pot was missing a little chunk, I assumed it was my sign I was beyond being fixed. My how quickly I jump to conclusions.
She showed us her finished pot and put it upside down with a candle under it and showed us with the lights off. How God uses our brokenness to let the light shine.
Sunday was another time for community, and food. Then we did a balloon release for all our Hope babies. I love balloon releases and the beauty of them. Then it was time to pack up, and a farewell prayer. I almost cried. It was so hard to believe I didn't want to go , then I was there and didn't want to leave.
God was truly amazing and I am so blessed with what he provided us all with this weekend.
These little cards were left throughout the ranch.
I was so nervous more than I can write down. This was something so outside my comfort zone. First of all traveling alone, I am terrified of flying, secondly going to meet 25 women I have never met in real life, in another state in the middle of no where.
This just seemed crazy to me, absolutely terrifying yet I was so excited.
I arrived at the airport on friday after a drive through good old Colorado snow. I was shaking from head to toe and not from the cold but from my nerves. My friend gave me a giant hug and prayed a little prayer for me.
I got my stuff all checked in and grabbed something to eat in hopes to settle my nerves. Sat at my gate and just sat. I felt like a little kid I couldn't sit still. The excitment was like being a little kid at Christmas. I couldn't wait to get there and see what God had in store for me.
I know the only reason I booked a ticket was because of him. I would have never otherwise done that.
Just as I got on the plane and seated one of the most beautiful people ever sent me a text. It read " Travel in Peace; I know God has something beautiful awaiting you in Texas! I love you and I'm so proud of you as you step out of the boat this weekend. Jesus will be waiting you on the waves".
I sat in tears thank God no one was sitting next to me, they would of thought I was a nut job. And the lady in front of me glanced at me once but went about her conversation about partying and drugs.
I knew at that moment God was so very real to me, that he so very much loved me. That I was doing the right thing. I don't think I have ever been told anyone was proud of me before that time. It took 30 years to genuinely hear it, and it was so refreshing.
And she was right. God did have such amazing things planned out for me that weekend in Texas.
I laneded in Texas and headed to baggage claim (which of course my bags never made it to Texas with me). And got Elaine's text telling me where she was waiting for me at.
I met her gave her a big hug and then awaited for Kristi, again met another treaure of the weekend.
We spent the afternoon at walmart getting me some clothes to wear since I had none. Lunch at a mexican place which was yummy. And tons of conversation. Women I had never met before those moments, yet I felt like I knew them forever. Then the hour and a half drive to the ranch in the middle of no where.
I learned about Texas "I was fixing to gain more hope this weekend ya'll". And all about Canada/ I learned Zoey has elastics (hair ties), and eh.
It was a blast. Arrived at the BEAUTIFUL ranch. The pictures we saw before the retreat did no justice to this amazing place.
I was still very nervous as we arrived still worried, these girls wouldn't like me and I would feel out of place.
God calmed my heart as I met them all. I felt like I belonged, and that was true peace.
We spent the nice in community, worship singing songs of worship and getting to know one another.
The next morning arrived and we were blessed with 4 women who pampered us with such amazing meals the whole entire weekend. I didn't know how to take someone doing all the work and cleanup. But it provided us a chance to talk more and just take it easy for the weekend. Did I mention how incredibly amazing the food was? This morning when I woke up and got an email from Cara telling us she missed us and breakfast was ready and getting cold. It made me want to hop back onto a plane and head back.
Saturday we were blessed to have a speaker who has lost 2 babies and a 6 year old. God is using her incredible strength he gave her to give him Glory. We split into small groups and chatted, a lot of times my group got into such deep talk we missed a lot of the discussion questions. But I know God had a reason for that.
We also had a photoshoot with the amazing Tisha, group photos, fun photos and then individual ones YIKES.
We took a walk down to the river and learned about Texas fire ants, how scary bunnies can be when you least except it. Oh and I forgot all about Elaine's stories of vampires and zombies.
I met Kelly and Erin as well, and have to say they both have blessed my life. Kelly has watched me from afar online and told me this weekend how proud she was of the work and transformation God has done. It made me tear up. And Erin starting up Hope Mommies gave me Hope and a family in all of the Hope mommies.
I felt at times I was able to bring Glory to God as well, as I sat and talked to women new in this journey.
Saturday night we went into the dinner room and did an art project. I was VERY overwhelmed with this project at first. We were given a bag with a clay pot that was all broken up in big pieces.
We were asked to paint or write on a few of the inside pieces of a few things that have happened to us outside our control, and then a few pieces put things/pictures of things that have happened to us/or we have done that were in our control. I was panic striken at first and then realized this was just another step in healing. So I took the challenge.
Then we took the pieces of the pot and on the outside of it painted or did pictures of how God has brought light into our lives, the things he has provided us with through all these things. Then I realized my pot was missing a little chunk, I assumed it was my sign I was beyond being fixed. My how quickly I jump to conclusions.
She showed us her finished pot and put it upside down with a candle under it and showed us with the lights off. How God uses our brokenness to let the light shine.
Sunday was another time for community, and food. Then we did a balloon release for all our Hope babies. I love balloon releases and the beauty of them. Then it was time to pack up, and a farewell prayer. I almost cried. It was so hard to believe I didn't want to go , then I was there and didn't want to leave.
God was truly amazing and I am so blessed with what he provided us all with this weekend.
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