Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The dreaded C word..............

So it's really true I have cervical cancer and I've had treatment done that was unsuccessful..........

It's sinking in really sinking in.  Last week I thought it was sinking in and today it's so much more real.  Not just this word I can push to the back of my mind in a black box and not deal with.

There is so much to be done.  Insurance, hospital availability.  And there is this echoing snot in my stomach that keeps reminding me that once again I am different.  Once again God is allowing something big in my life. A challenge to remain faithful, secure to my anchor.

And yet I find myself teetering on discontent, fear, the unknown, loneliness, disappointment.  And yet his peace.

I just keep praying over and over for God to help me accept his will in this for me.  Whatever that may be.

Some day's if I am honest I wonder if this is some sort of punishment from God.  Did I do something not right in his eyes, not good enough?  So this is a way to test me more.  Or maybe God doesn't think I've shown my faith enough or he wants to put this other test in my way to see how I will handle it.  Can I give him glory from the beginning?

I am so thankful that God allowed me to have my 5 precious children and a baby for another family before he allowed this to be placed in my life.

I think my biggest weakness right now is knowing that God is all knowing and he knows the outcome.  I am a spoiled brat and want to know now.  I need or feel I need instant gratification in the outcome now not later.    SO I can plan my life and my kids lives.  So I can prepare them and myself.

I really am a brat.

However I am so proud of myself, I am so wrapped in prayer constantly now, all day long.  I am surrounding myself with healthy people.  Who truly want to get to know me.  Who like who I am as a person.  What to fight the enemy with me and make our Papa proud of all we are doing on this earth to bring people to him.

If this takes my life....I will be happy if one single person in turn sees our Papa the way I do, and becomes saved because of my faith.  That's all I want.

I rememeber last weekend at church when the pastor was reading scripture it talked about how richly we would be blessed for all we had to give up.  I now see what Christ so selflessly gave up his life for us.