Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Last night I continued my journey with sharing my story of childhood incest. It has been a journey of many ups and downs. Unknown's and emotional torture from the enemy himself.

But I will say God has met me right where I am at. It has been so freeing and I know my heavenly father loves me so dearly.

Last night when I was done with my second interview I felt this incredible sense of relief. Peace and a calmness I haven't felt before. I think being able to speak my truth in the enviroment I was in, was the key.

Sure I was nervous I still even after doing this once before, I still felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a mess until I sat down, camera's all around and my shakey voice started to speak.

I can't say I feel my interview was powerful yet, they say it was. But until I see it all I know is how I feel now that it is done.

It is awesome. My God is so faithful, he is crazy for what he has in mind but yet he is not that crazy at all. He provided for me, he held me, he loved me so well. I couldn't be any luckier or happier with how it went.

Except, ok maybe the guy coming out in the middle of my interview and my brief freak out moment. That was hard I will admit, it was harmless but it was right in the middle of a hard part of my story, and I panicked.

If you would have asked me 17 years ago or even 5 years ago if I would have done this. I would have told you that you were out of your dam mind. I think I said I was out of my mind even a month ago, but there is so much incredible power behind telling your story.

Saying it twice so far has one, made it real. Two given it power and three taken the power out of the story and given it back to me.

I slept so well last night too which is hard to believe, I laid in bed held in my husbands arms and then drifted off. I forgot to pray before bed I was so mentally exhausted from my interview and sitting through someone else's. But I did pray with Nan when I got home, and I know even had I not prayed. He knew what was in my heart and what I needed to feel that peace.

He is faithful, he is good, loving and met me right where I was. He calmed the storm and provided refuge. You can't get much better than that. Honestly.

For so long I have felt so broken beyond ever being loved by anyone, let alone someone so high. But that's all he wants. God just wants us to trust him, to go to him, lean on him and be aware of him. GIve him our everything, the ups the downs and praise him for all the good and bad. It has taken me this long to say, "God you are good, and you are right. There is beauty in the ugliest ashes of my life. And I trust you now."

I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me, what else he will do and bring through me. He sure hasn't let me down yet.

Monday, January 23, 2012

He is faithful

I have had a rough day since yesterday, just not sure about how to get through this life with all I feel I have attached to me. And really I don't need to have it attached to me, but stuff like my grief with Ethan. I will always carry that.

But as a good friend pointed out I need to celebrate him, and I need to not let the anticipation get to me. I know I am missing him but I need to think of what he would want, and think about all those things I am blessed with. My husband, my children, my friends and be thankful the fact I am where I am despite the things I have been through.

She is right, her tough love was so hard to take at first, new I guess. But after it I know what a great friend God placed into my life. She is real, genuine and I am so glad to have her.

He knows my heart is aching and I needed someone to tell me to snap out of it, that they too understand but I need to let go of the pain and celebrate life.

I know in my heart she is right, and just when I thought I was at the end of my rope he was faithful.

Thank you Lord for all your love, your protection, and all you've given me.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

He is good.....

After a week of struggle, I feel a little more clear headed again. The journey I am on is worth it, not that it's easy or even managable sometimes.

But when I lean on him, it's more than manageable. It's possible.

I don't know if it's because I have leaned my whole life on God right now or what but more and more people around me are turning to God. My kids are as well, which is so rewarding and yet challenging since I am still learning too.

I listen to christian music all day long, and it has helped improve my mood. I am taking on a project to put down all the words I feel describe me and have described me in the past. And challenging myself to come up with a word for each of those to describe me now or a positive one at least.

I think I have over 20 not good ones and 4-5 good ones so far.

I haev found a peace I have never felt before. It's a strange unknown peace and yet it's healing, powerful and life changing all at the same time.

I've always believed in God, just never gave him all of me, just parts and ususually just blamed him for all the bad things in my life, or if not blamed him I was upset with him that he allowed these things.

Now it's kinda funny. I still miss Ethan more than I will ever be able to put into words but at the same time, I am also thankful for the time I did get with Ethan. For the chance to be his mom, and because he came into my life. His short life brought me back to my heavenly father on a much richer, deeper crazy level than I ever thought possible.

I know it makes some of my friends/family uncomfortable to see me make such a change and I get that. But I hope they too will see how amazing this life is, if you just let God in, and give him your everything.

God is good, he is above all for me FAITHFUL. And I couldn't be more happy to have such a loving, never changing father. One I don't have to worry what he will think of me tomorrow, or that his love will change.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A bad day......

A bad week....Almost two weeks.

Just plain bad.

I don't understand why the hardest part wasn't sitting across the room from a male, telling him my secrets. This is the hardest part. Sitting with the pain and feeling misunderstood, feeling normal.

Instead I have spent the past week and a half crying, on the verge of a mental breakdown. The enemy trying to make this so hard I guess. Me freaking out about what my family will think of this whole process, and the bad that will come out of it.

I have spent the entire day pissed at God. I couldn't find the words to pray to him. I just spent the day in tears, a bawling mess. Crying so hard I couldn't talk.

And pissed did I say that already? I kept yelling at God telling him this was crap. I allowed myself to be open to this, for him to use this mess of a life to help others. And where was he right now? Why wasn't he helping me find comfort in this? And why did I feel used and abadonded?

I knew it would get hard, however I didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know I would feel so alone, so forgotten and alone.

I know God is good, he just didn't feel good and he didn't feel faithful today. He felt rotten and mean.

It took really crying hard today to feel an ounce of comfort. And I am not better....I am still struggling.

But I am going to bed to read psalms, and to cry some more. To find joy in the morning. At least I can hope.

"Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil "2 Thessalonians 3: 3

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23

Psalm 34:18~The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Face first

Sometimes I fall face first.....

What I mean by that is I simply don't have it all together, like one may think.

I read another Hope mom's blog recently about falling short so I decided to follow suit.

I have gotten many comments about how well together my family is, how outgoing I am, how great I look etc.....

Truth is yes, I try. But almost every single day I fall face first.

When I try so hard with one thing, something will be neglected. I have so many roles. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, friend, christian. And it's so hard to meet each of these things every single day.

I try hard to focus on my health right now and being a good godly example. But with that I still have 5 kids at home, and a husband to please. I can't do it all.

For the longest time this bothered me, I would be exhausted trying to be everything to everyone and still be Angela. In fact, I neglected myself for 9.5 years easy. I hid behind the mom card.

And over the past 9 months I am gaining her back, or I should say redefining her. It's so strange... and yet so freaking cool. Losing 63lbs in 9 months, and trusting God with everything, redefining life by Christs example.

Yet, I know something will not be done to the level I expect of myself.

But I have expected myself to fall face first somedays. It's ok.

Family and God first, next I try my freaking hardest to be the best friend I can be. Treat others as you want to be treated is a motto I live by daily.

If I want people to love me I love them, if I want phone calls/texts I text them. My husband included as well. I try to let anyone around me I care about know I love them. But again.... I have fallen face first a few times. I forget things, or I try too hard.

Falling face first hurts.... But I know I will be ok. Just live each day trying as hard as I can.

Monday, January 9, 2012

2011 Notes of gratitude

I have been working on this for some time now but have yet to post it, just wanted to make sure I cover everything and everyone......

To my awesome God, thank you for loving me, for working in me and giving me all I need. Often times you are silent in life and that has always been my struggle, but I am starting to allow you more so in turn I feel you more, I hear you more. Thank you for giving me the strength, love, compassion and everything I need good and bad. Jesus for paying a price and giving your life, as a mother I am not sure I could of ever given my child for everyone else. For being a channel and a light to our amazing father.

God I truly thank you for Flatirons, and all that I have recieved through them. The childrens ministry... A way to calm my heart and renew my own parenting skills. The grief workshop... At first a love hate relationship, you allowed me to go from the once quiet girl who just sat and cried..... to doing cart wheels and loving so many people. I would have NEVER ever hugged a male in a workshop, but you have softened my heart and I have loved being able to offer comfort, a hug to a few of the men there. So many people whom I love now that because of this workshop you have put into my life. Vanessa, Rosalie, Rebecca, Donna, Rachael, Cindy just to name a simple few. And Nan of course but I will get into her later.

Thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom, to be molested YIKES did I just say that? While some peoples lives would have simply just ended because of this I am now really living. And yet, these two horrible tradgeys I have been through have molded me and made me into something greater than I ever imagined. It's not easy still but I cannot even begin to tell you the ways my life has morphed.

And for being the father I always needed but didn't know I needed. I was baptised on December 10th and I will tell you, it was then I was reborn more than ever so to speak. A month or so before that God started working in me, and I hated it. But I am allowing it and being baptised was my way of letting him know,it was time and I was willing. I wasn't going to fight him anymore.

And to Kristen..... My dear 19 plus years of friendship is not often come by. I have hurt you in the past and you me. But you are my sister not by blood but by choice. I love those three girls as my own, and would do anything for all 4 of you. You love me even though it may not always be easy because of the life you have been delt, and you love me well. You inspire me even if you don't believe it. A single mom who works her butt off and still loves our God so well, loves her children well, and wakes up each day and faces this cold, lonely world with a fight. Your beautiful and I love you.

My dear sweet Nan, what can I say.... Thank you for loving me and loving me so darn well. For not minding that I need reminded you love me, for taking the time to sit with me, hugging me, wiping my tears, brushing my hair back. By choice not obligation. For looking me in the eye and reminding me of the constant, amazing love of our father. For being that tangible love I need so desperatly in my life. Being a sister, and somewhat a mother in a weird way. Not that I need mothered now, but yet your affection is motherly. For your so powerful prayers..... You never let me down. The greatest gift of all bringing me to my heavenly father and allowing him to work in mighty ways even with the pain, and loving me with all my flaws, defects or not so much of defects really. And reminding me he loves me and made me just the way he wanted. For pushing me and knowing how much to push, even if I have told you I hated it, and once that I hated you for it too. For sitting across from me while I was interviewed last weekend, making sure I felt comfortable enough to share my story, holding me after and reminding me of the love from him and you. For teaching me how to laugh again.... And really laugh and mean it. For making me smile, I have been told by two different people this weekend alone how much I have changed and smile now. For calling me names, and only you will get that. I've never been so well loved. I love you!

Rae, my earthly angel. Almost three years later I know I have a safe place to land when times are tough. For never walking away when you had many chances. You delt with my clingyness and loved me for it. For pushing me when I felt defeted. For literly saving my life two years ago. A bottle of sleeping pills seemed like my only option. Your love, attention and fight to save my life, made life worth trying again. For your tears and constant reminder of my worth. For helping keep my sons memory alive each and every year.

Rosalie..... I am not even sure where to start. I really think God put you in my life to show me what forgiveness really looked like, I knew after hearing your journey with the death of your husband by someone else, that I too could forgive. I didn't have to but I wanted to. But couldn't find out what that looked like until you. For loving me again so well. Your an amazing example of Christ and what a godly sister looked like. It can only get better from here. Because of your love of God and following his example I was able to forgive my father and my step father and it's only been a few weeks yet, I feel so free'd.

Jennifer~ after so many years of friendship you still find it in your heart to love me constantly, genuine and amazingly. We have been such great friends, and had a few hard times. But in the end after so many years we are still best friends. We share so much in common and have been able to witness so much in eachtothers lives it's incredible.

Katherine~ For loving me the way you do, for constantly checking in on me. For loving me like your sister, for being such an amazing part of my life. For being part of my church family now as well. It's that much more amazing to share God with you. For taking time to give to families like myself, so we don't go home empty handed.

Dee~ For being the amazing friend/collegue you are. For making memories of my family each year, and being willing to teach me along the way. For everything you do for families such as myself.

Vanessa~ my sweet new friend, I hardly know you and yet I feel like we have known eachother for so long. The grief workshop threw you into my life and I am not letting you go. Thank you for loving me, for checking in on my often and making me feel special. I cannot wait to get to know you better. Your texts and comments on facebook and wednesday hugs are simply the best.

To all my angel mom's~ you have been a rock for me, an outlet to express my feelings and love for my son openly. That is one of the greatest gifts of all. For allowing me into your lives as a friend. And being a push sometimes I needed to keep going. Losing a child is so very tragic and one step at a time we are making it a little different. We are the voice our children deserve and it's because we do it as a unit not one person. There are far too many of you to thank and I would never be able to stop writing. Some of you have become family. Some of you allowed me into the most difficult time of your lives to photograph your angel, and to remain a part of your lives even after.

God has worked some amazing people into my life, has done incredible work in my family and in me. I know that I have questioned life and my purpose. And now instead of waiting to find that purpose I am just going to live as Jesus would and make a purpose. A few of you have questioned my strength, my courage and my ability to be so free, and outgoing. Trust me if you asked Nan, Rae and a few of my friends..... Even a year ago this was not me. I was the shy girl who sat in the back of the room, tears filling my eyes in many cases, and very very quiet in church. God is who I give credit to. And some of the people he put into my life to show me I don't have to live that way. That I am so worth loving, I still need reminded and even two months ago sat in the back of the shift service, on the edge of my chair, tears in my eyes ready to walk out. God again worked his magic and put Nan right next to me knowing I wouldn't leave. Again a few weeks later I fought this woman at shift again ready to leave, crying telling her to stop.... I just couldn't do this anymore I was tired. I was just tired. God did it again, I stayed. I don't expect for it to be easy like it appears sometimes, and it's not trust me. Ask anyone of them. They know me all too well. I fight them....And I fight our God. But I will keep fighting. It's so worth it. God promised to turn our ashes into beauty. And he promises to use all bad for something good. He is doing just that in me.

My life has been nothing near a package with a pretty bow on it. My father abadonded me, I was molested by my step father from 10-14 year of age, I lost my son in 2008, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive, physically abusive household. But I am proof your past doesn't make you who you are. You have a choice I am not my past, my past isn't who I am as a whole. It's part of me yes, but it's not me.

I love each and everyone of you. God is simply amazing by blessing me with all of you!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

In my eyes I am not , but in his I am perfect.....

I got to thinking last night about my feelings towards the God I serve.

Deep down I know how truly awesome he is, but growing up I wondered if my own father leaving me was any indication of my Godly father as well. What he thought of me, how he felt about me and whether or not he truely loved me?

I always belived in God or a higher power. I seldom sat and talked to him. It felt one sided and through most of my life, I thought he was punishing me for many things. Growing up everything was always my fault, even if in fact, it wasn't.

I was the pawn of personal blame from many. I am however not perfect.

You see, because of all I was taught about myself and pounded into my little head as a kid. I began to believe, I was always wrong. It didn't matter if I wasn't. All it took was someone giving me a sad or angry face, ingoring me, not friening me the way I did them and I quickly decided I did something, anything wrong to make them feel that way.

I decided being molested had to be my fault, losing my child was my fault. My dad leaving me, not recieving love was my fault.

And the not so perfect part of me, was hurting those around me that I really cared about.


Well I constanly put myself down, I was a self blamer, I never took any love, encouragement from those seldom few who did give it to me.

In fact, growing up I was really really close to an older female that became motherly to me. And I hurt her many times. By saying bad things about myself and putting myself down, telling her how often I would rather die and to quite telling me she loved me, because she didn't mean it. I made her cry on many occasions, and then felt bad about it.

But never until recently, did I see how much I hurt someone who loved me. How much I constantly pushed them away in fear they too would leave me, would hurt me. So I had to protect myself and keep them at a distance, never letting them love or care about me authentically.

I felt like if the two people who should love me couldn't then it was impossible for anyone else to as well. And especially our God. How on earth could he love me, when bad, sometimes horrible things kept happening to me? And he allowed it or then I thought caused it. And I had always felt like such a horrible individual.

As it has been as long as I can remember I have never really liked my outward apperance and my sensitivity.

I think because of all the negitivity growing up, I have it so engraved in my head. That I am not ok. When I cry I feel ugly and I am sure it's because I was told when I cried as a child I was told I was ugly. So I hate crying. It makes me feel vunerable, weak and well ugly.

I good friend has tried to pound it in my head that God made me just as I am and as he would want me. This will be my struggle. This has gone well into my adulthood. Even sitting with someone I care about now, hearing them tell me how great I am, how much they love me. I want to have that so bad, but sometimes I sit and think "sure your telling me that because you feel obligated to, it's the right thing to say." But I have had to learn to just sit with what she says, shut up and really listen, bite my lip and not roll my eyes. It's not easy at all, it's not anything I have ever experienced really, and it's uncomfortable. But good lord, it feels so good to hear it.

Something I guess sort of a new years resolution so to speak. I want to learn this. Not just hear it but feel it deep in my soul. That God made me in the image he wanted and I need to love myself as I am. That he didn't make a mistake with me, even if I feel like the world's biggest mistake.

I want to be able to embrace myself and love myself as God loves me.

Yet, it feel so ackward and foregin.

I also don't want to push people away in fear they will change their minds about me, or that they might not love me if they find out about me. I want to let them love me the way I love them, authentically and genuine. Without second guessing them or myself.

Saturday is a big day for me. I have been semi dreaing telling my story in front of a camera, and this morning I woke up feeling anxious and yet a calm peace about it. I think I am ready.....Still nervous and I don't want to cry which I know I will. But I am so ready. Please if you have a spare prayer or two pray for peace with this decision.