He is good.....

After a week of struggle, I feel a little more clear headed again. The journey I am on is worth it, not that it's easy or even managable sometimes.

But when I lean on him, it's more than manageable. It's possible.

I don't know if it's because I have leaned my whole life on God right now or what but more and more people around me are turning to God. My kids are as well, which is so rewarding and yet challenging since I am still learning too.

I listen to christian music all day long, and it has helped improve my mood. I am taking on a project to put down all the words I feel describe me and have described me in the past. And challenging myself to come up with a word for each of those to describe me now or a positive one at least.

I think I have over 20 not good ones and 4-5 good ones so far.

I haev found a peace I have never felt before. It's a strange unknown peace and yet it's healing, powerful and life changing all at the same time.

I've always believed in God, just never gave him all of me, just parts and ususually just blamed him for all the bad things in my life, or if not blamed him I was upset with him that he allowed these things.

Now it's kinda funny. I still miss Ethan more than I will ever be able to put into words but at the same time, I am also thankful for the time I did get with Ethan. For the chance to be his mom, and because he came into my life. His short life brought me back to my heavenly father on a much richer, deeper crazy level than I ever thought possible.

I know it makes some of my friends/family uncomfortable to see me make such a change and I get that. But I hope they too will see how amazing this life is, if you just let God in, and give him your everything.

God is good, he is above all for me FAITHFUL. And I couldn't be more happy to have such a loving, never changing father. One I don't have to worry what he will think of me tomorrow, or that his love will change.