A bad day......

A bad week....Almost two weeks.

Just plain bad.

I don't understand why the hardest part wasn't sitting across the room from a male, telling him my secrets. This is the hardest part. Sitting with the pain and feeling misunderstood, feeling normal.

Instead I have spent the past week and a half crying, on the verge of a mental breakdown. The enemy trying to make this so hard I guess. Me freaking out about what my family will think of this whole process, and the bad that will come out of it.

I have spent the entire day pissed at God. I couldn't find the words to pray to him. I just spent the day in tears, a bawling mess. Crying so hard I couldn't talk.

And pissed did I say that already? I kept yelling at God telling him this was crap. I allowed myself to be open to this, for him to use this mess of a life to help others. And where was he right now? Why wasn't he helping me find comfort in this? And why did I feel used and abadonded?

I knew it would get hard, however I didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know I would feel so alone, so forgotten and alone.

I know God is good, he just didn't feel good and he didn't feel faithful today. He felt rotten and mean.

It took really crying hard today to feel an ounce of comfort. And I am not better....I am still struggling.

But I am going to bed to read psalms, and to cry some more. To find joy in the morning. At least I can hope.

"Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil "2 Thessalonians 3: 3

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23

Psalm 34:18~The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.