This has been a rough week, a first in my new normal... And yet I found myself clinging to Hope and then as a friend pointed out this week I also did a lot of toddler temper tantrum..... and stomping at God with a big fat "NOT FAIR".
It didn't get me anywhere, I allowed myself to sit in self pity and sorrow. But I also know if I don't allow myself to sit there momentarily then I will prolong the process of grief over the loss of my marriage. But I don't want to stay there. That's what the enemy would like us to do.
Things just don't seem to be going as I thought I had them planned. I am still dealing with the heartache of my husband walking away, clearly showing he had no interest in trying. And I am still wrestling with the gaping hole of not even really understanding what went wrong. I find myself stuck there a lot too. How do you fix something when your really not sure why it wasn't working in the first place? Sure we had our struggles like any marriage and it was hard. Oh man is marriage hard. But really divorce????. I cut that word out of my vocabulary over 6 months ago. I learned a dirty little trait from my broken family and that was to run. So hell bent on staying, I made sure I took divorce out of it. But I did indeed think we needed to be apart for awhile to figure each of us out and then figure us out as a couple. I just didn't see that big D word until I was smacked in the face with it.
I've found myself helpless this week with a close friend, wanting to make things better.... But really knowing it's not mine to fix. So in that process trying to figure out so carefully how to love her well. How to show her the beauty God really has and will bring out of this storm. When sometimes I really have to fake it until I see it too..... Because my flesh wants to keep me there in wanting proof. I have been blessed that I know I can look back and see proof of the past redemption he has already done. And in my flesh my heart hurts for her. My body feels it, in the way my heart feels squeezed, the shortening of my breath, the hot stinging tears building in my eyes and running down my face. I want to make it better so why won't he????!!! Stomping my feet again like a immature child. Pounding my fists, I want him to make it better now to stop the pain. Her pain and my pain. I want answers . But I clearly have to remind myself he isn't done with her or me yet... And there is no way in heck he would bring either of us this far, to just leave us there.
Growing is so painful.... We've all been there and each of us has to grow through the pain and with the pain. No one can do it for us. Otherwise we as parents would take on all our kids immunizations, and broken bones, breakups and tragic situations like lung transplants, or even the death of a child. But we can't.... How we grow as individuals is because of this "stuff". It molds us all into amazing women, men, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, children, husbands and wives. Without the "stuff" we would have no proof of God's amazing love and grace. There would never have been a need for Jesus.
Sometimes though when the waves are really strong and I feel my lifeless body crash against the edges of the boat I don't feel him as much (and I am not feeling him because I think I am scared to feel him, like he is so mad at me or sad with my choices I am scared of what he may be thinking and how that touch could hurt), but he is clearly there. I just haven't forgiven myself for falling short of what I think he wants of me or how I feel I am suppose to measure up. I forget far too often that my sin has already been covered with the blood of Christ... It died on the cross with Jesus, and I rose anew with Christ.
Sometimes I think I hate myself so much I want him to abandon me so I don't have to fear the failure of the sin I am sinking in. And other times I am not even sure what I have done, what sin I've let stain my life.
This week through a bible study I am partaking in we are working in Romans 12, and a few things caught my eye.
Romans 12 talks about offering our bodies to Christ and not conforming to the world but renewing our minds saying then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is.....His good , pleasing and perfect will.
In the mist of troubles and the storm. When we are weary, and drenched with sin and our flesh we can't always see that. But really verse 2 talking about renewing our minds, is so spot on. If we accept the storms knowing his will is always best, nothing has slipped through his hands without his knowledge and if he didn't think it would benefit us or bring Glory to him he never would have allowed it to happen in the first place. Our minds can be our worst enemy... Okay I will speak for myself. My mind is absolutely my worst enemy and the enemy we have knows I struggle with the lies, with doubt with my sinful dirty rags of flesh.
I have to be constant in taking captive of my mind and the thoughts, if I don't.... No matter how big my savior is I will sink. I am my own worst enemy and my thoughts which are not true and correct in following what Christ says about me allow me to sink. I self sabotage.... Where if I renew my mind, take captive my thoughts that I know if I step back I would see untruth and renew them to only be what he says about me, what the truth he has spoken..then I see what perfect will HE has for me, for you... For us.
Verse 12 talks about love in action... It says "be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer"
When I step back and think about being joyful in Hope, I think about how I am so run down with my circumstances... My lack of sleep, my sadness about being alone, my worth being my divorce and lack of family. I am not being joyful in Hope I am clinging purely to my present circumstances. Where if I sit and think about the Hope that will come of this. That my lack of sleep has brought me closer to the Lord and opening a bible, even if I did it to help a friend in the beginning. I couldn't help but soak in God's truth, his plan for her but really it was for me too! My sadness about being alone has given no excuse not to search for Christ more and lean on him solely right now. My worth being found in family and a husband has forced me to look at what I do have, those who I am so grateful for that still stand by my side, those who are cheering me on. And not just cheering me on but finding the Hope for the woman God created me to be come forth.
It's hard to be patient in affliction when we feel so weighed down, restless, anxious and honestly a little crazy in my head. Sleep has left my house, I feel a little nuts and foggy headed. Patience is the last thing I want to find. Because I am so inpatient with myself even... And inpatient with God. He is not making this better and it doesn't feel like he cares. I feel tortured some days and like he is just allowing it to happen which provokes anger.
Then I step back.... And remember Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight"
And go ok, as the rear view mirror clearly shows I didn't get losing my son, being molested, abused..... But through all of that I was redeemed. I was willing to allow him to use it, in HIS timing not mine. And beauty was brought from it. So is I am patient in this affliction then I will come out the other side, fighting it only makes it worse on my heart and soul. That doesn't mean I sit back and say "ok God torture me if you must", but when these times come I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you ", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not hard you, plans to give you hope and a future".
I also need to be faithful in prayer.... It's the deepest connections to my heavenly father I will ever have, even if I have things on my mind that may not be so loving. I need to speak them. It shows my trust in him to handle it, my love for him in confessing those things. Even if it's anger. Keeping things from anyone only really hurt you in the long run. It would be like not telling your spouse something they did that bothered you, or a friend who said something that really hurt your feelings. Sure you can keep it in... See how that helps. I've learned the hard way, it almost always hurts you more than it hurts them. God's big enough he can take it.... And really I'm only fooling myself if I don't speak them to him. Because guess what? He's all knowing so if I don't speak them. It's like a child lying to a parent so they don't get into trouble, or to avoid hurting their feelings. He already knows..... You can't hide it forever. If you don't lay it all down with him in the end, you suffer because you allowed your feelings, current circumstances keep you from being open with him, so that he can begin to show you what he already planned in the first place, it's where we get so anxious thinking we already know what's best for ourselves, and our timing is best.
Where really how often does our planning work out ? For me it didn't here I am awaiting court for a divorce. All my planning, hard work and half ass work didn't pay off.
So I challenge you and myself... Dig deep.... Push hard.... Love hard.... and trust the rocking of the boat, the ones that make your stomach turn and you get blue in the face cramming yourself to the tightest part of the ship to throw up......... because holding it in won't benefit you..... the ones where the waters come over the edge and you think your going to sink. We have a mighty Savior who walks on water. He has this..... If he rose for the dead like he promised then we can certainly trust his perfect will for us.