Saturday, June 15, 2013

Silent or not so silent prayers

A week or so ago someone on one of my baby loss boards posted about how upset she was that God allowed people to have babies who clearly only care about themselves, or abuse and neglect them.  Or maybe even kill them.  But take children from parents who yearn for nothing more than to be a mom or dad.

And it put me back into the place where I stood 5 years ago, so angry at God.  Hurt beyond belief that we tried for a baby to end in miscarriage early in 2007.  Then got pregnant again only this time, we got past the 12 week safe mark.  Then past 20 weeks, we had it all so it seemed.  In a naive blissful reality we thought we were bringing home our baby boy in a few short months.  Then the unthinkable happened.

Our son died in utero at 34.5 weeks.  His little heart stopped, he was gone.  And this wasn't suppose to be this way.  He had a healthy text book pregnancy, we wanted Ethan, we tried for him, and darn it we were good parents.  Way better than others.

And I was angry so very angry God let my sister have a baby and took mine.  Who cares if I already had two healthy boys, that's not all I was asking for.  I was a good mom so I expected to bring another baby home.  And my sister struggled to be a mom, having issues with alcohol.  And she got her son.... What sense did that make?  And then all of a sudden your eyes are ears are peeled to hear horror stories so much more than before of babies being thrown into trashcans, killed by their parents, dropped off at a hospital and left alone.

Those things have always been around.... But now that my baby has been taken from me, I see and hear it so much louder and it's a stab in the heart every single time.  I remember laying in bed, just telling God how jacked up he was that he would allow children to suffer this horrible beginning and he had the chance to take those babies from a life of pain, and yet he took mine who would have been loved.  It was all ass backwards (excuse the language) but it was.  I couldn't wrap my head around any of it.

If I could change the world and have it my way I would have taken the life of one who would of suffered.  And given life to the one who was loved.

Well recently, God has placed it on my heart to share the story of the one who wasn't loved, suffered and should of died.

God can do good things with ordinary people but he can do extraordinary things with extraordinary people.  Those who have suffered greatly.

If God did just what we ask and beg him to do.  Then I would have been one of those babies who should have faced death and spared pain.  I know if we all take a look we have crossed paths with someone who from infancy or conception have suffered greatly at the hands of parents.

I never understood growing up why God allowed such painful things to be weaved into my life, and still to this day I am going through painful things.  he never promised us a life of fun, joy with no pain.  Instead he has offered us JOY among the pain.

I was abandoned by my father from infancy, my mom was a young 18 year old not sure about life, the dad figure I did finally get died when I was 4, the next dad figure I got molested me from the age of 10-14, I was rapped at 20, I was told by my mother she wished she would of had an abortion with me when I was 16, she was a good mom in the fact she never left us, but she was emotionally unavailable and we suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of people who every child trusts.  Then I lost 5 little babies to miscarriage, and one little boy who I was able to hold in my arms.

I felt robbed like I got more than my fair share, God kept picking on me.  He really hated me.  That's what my heart thought about God.

And sometimes I even wished death upon myself growing up, it seemed easier than facing the life God planned out for me.  And a few times I tried to take my own life.

I am no Saint, ask those around me.  I am one heck of a messy person.  Lately I've done my fair share of hurting people.  Not because that was my intention but because I am broken and I have been hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.  Especially those who they love.  And when you've been a hurt person I think when trying to figure out who really loves you, you hurt people to see if they will really stay.  And to test their love for you.  It's jacked up!

But among the hurt I've caused.  God is using me.  He uses all those whom love him and are willing vessels to be used.

If God took babies like Angela who he knew would suffer from the start.  He would be taking people who could make a difference in the world.  Who could bring others who have been hurt and shammed to the foot of the cross.

That's what happened to me two years ago.  I didn't know how to approach the foot of the cross, until a special woman who had been through hell helped bring me there.  Had she not been through the hell of losing her own son, she wouldn't be who she is today.  Still messy and broken and having sin, but God has used her in amazing ways.

In my opinion the people who God uses need to have had to suffer, because then and only then do we start over with a foundation that consists of HIM.  Mighty things can only be done through those like myself, a baby who was hurt, abused, neglected at the hands of someone who was entrusted with life.

If God took babies like me, there would be no Angela.  No one to give the love I give to other broken people.  I love hard and well, and deep.  I give a love to people that they have never known before I was put into their path.  There wouldn't be people who are a voice for children who suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  There wouldn't be people who could foster children who need a home, there wouldn't be amazing women getting fresh water to countries where children die all the time because of a lack of water and food.

There wouldn't be photographers who could take pictures of babies passing away, who have already died.  The world would be so much less compassionate and empathetic.  IF we had it all then we would never want to leave.  We cling to God when we are going through hell, not when life is grand and he answers all our prayers.

He doesn't allow our children to die to hurt us but rather to bring beauty out of the broken ness of the world.
We have to be willing to open our hands and let him use us.  I have seen so much beauty in families who had to do the unthinkable and bury one of their children or their only child.

Luke 22:42
42 saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”


My arms will always ache to hold Ethan, to kiss him one last time.  My heart will always wonder what Ethan would be like today.  A photograph will always be missing a little boys smile.  Occasions will come and go that remind me this is not my home.  And milestones will always pass that I will not get to experience with Ethan.  But my heart is so filled with JOY.  All because God didn't answer my prayer 5 years ago when I begged him to take the life of another baby and not mine.

I am so thankful God has weaved his love into my pain, and reminds me all the time that this is not my home.  That Ethan was never mine to begin with, Ethan was his.  He was just gift borrowed to me.  And through my pain as a child, he will use me to do big things, no one else but a little girl like me was planned to do.

It won't make sense and it never will we aren't meant to understand his plans.  Just open our fists to what he cling to as ours and what we deserve and allow God to use us, when we allow it we do big things.  Life is messy and painful I know that, I am experiencing that right now.  I don't get it, but this time I am trying not to be angry and to ask him if he is willing to please take this pain from me, and if it's not in his will then to help me to accept his will for me and to help me do it well.

No comments:

Post a Comment