At the foot of the cross..

Lately I have either A. forced myself to be at the foot of the cross or B. Found myself on my knees at the foot of the cross.  That is where our father wants us.

It's been one heck of a ride the past few months.  Last week I had a procedure done to hopefully remove all the cancer this time.  And it didn't go as I planned, well the procedure did I guess but not the support.  Last minute I ended up going by myself.

At first I was pretty bummed to put it lightly, to go into something so big all by yourself.  It's scary, granted and so very thankful I believe in a God that is mighty and amazing.  But tangibly I was alone.  And really I think it was a huge punch in the stomach at first.  The moment in my life where I sat sobbing at the foot of the cross, for the very first time knowing so well the God I serve and for the first time realizing people will never be at your side all the time.  They are human made of sin filled flesh, so no one can possibly mean what they say.  And in the end it was a good thing I was all alone.  Good in a spiritual sense, not so good in a medical sense.

I don't think I was bummed that I didn't have someone to listen to me, to be sad with me, to worry about me.  I didn't have that in the first place and you cannot make people do those things for you.  I was bummed I was going to walk into a hospital all alone, they would ask me who was with me and I would have to say no one.  I cared far too much about what they would think of me.  A woman with no support system at that moment.  Would they think, what's wrong with this girl that one is here with her? IS she really messed up?  Stupid things flooded my brain.   As always I am far too concerned about what others think of me.

I got called back and got met by my amazing nurse Janet, who of course asked if I had anyone with me, when I told her no.  I saw the look of compassion in her eyes.  And she reassured me that they wouldn't be able to let me leave until I was ok to go home, she asked me if there was anything she could do for me, took my belongings and asked if there was anyone I wanted to update?  I just told her that if anyone called or texted in regards to the procedure she could keep them up to date otherwise not to worry about it.  I joked and told her not to give me my phone until I seemed normal again.

I had a pretty hard time waking up from the anesthesia but she stayed with me the whole time.  She tried to be comforting and yet, do her job.  I could tell she felt bad I had no one there.  Which was hard, because I think I got comfortable in thinking for the first time in my life, that I would never be alone again.  I never thought that way before then, and God I think wanted to remind me that I cannot rely on others.  Parents fail us, husbands fail, us, children fail us and friends fail us, friends that become family fail us.   It's sinful nature.  And I too am a sinner!  And I have no doubt I have failed someone, or many.

And she was so amazing, not the support I would have pictured that day, but just the support God knew I would need besides him.

In this past week God, has been so present with me.  I have learned what an unfailing love my God has for all of us but for me.  His love isn't earned, or based on my behavior, actions, and he doesn't with drawl his love from me when I hurt him.  I don't think I have ever been able to receive that so clearly as I have the past few nights.

 Just the other night I laid in bed thinking of all the pain I have caused someone, thinking about how I could maybe earn my trust back, prove I am worthy of their love and presence in my life.  And I was in tears, because I screwed up and I didn't know how on earth I could get things back to semi normal.  Could I do something specific, could I apologise more, differently, do something that would prove by my actions that I really was deeply sorry.  I just cried I begged God to please soften their heart, to help me learn how to be different, better, or if this wasn't what he wanted for my life to please reveal to me what he wants me to do.

I became a beggar in a different way.  Then I remember a sermon a few week back at church where the pastor talked about being that beggar, who could show another beggar where to get help.

Then God so powerfully filled my being and reminded me, I've done all I can do.  I am forgiven I don't need to keep beating myself up for what I've done.  Just as I have forgiven other's for their hurts, I have been forgiven.  And I may never be forgiven fully by the sinful flesh of this world.  But I need to quit seeking for more than I can be given by them.  Christ has forgiven me and I am so worthy of love, I am not a bad person.  I am a person with a loving heart like Christ, I know my heart came from him.  There is no way I could have gotten through the life I have of constant mistrust, hurt, abuse, emotional abuse.  And allow all these people grace and love when they sometimes didn't deserve it.

And I will keep loving in such a way, but I need to learn to protect my heart and not give my all to people.  I need to be a little more cautious and wise.  And know that if I get hurt then it's ok.  My papa will mend that hurt.

I think I am learning slowly that I cannot keep beating myself up for the things, hurts, broken hearts, behaviors I have done in the past.  I can say I am sorry, and really really mean it.  And I can prove it by my actions.  But I do not need to prove to the world I am worth loving.  This is going to sounds nuts.  But darn it I do deserved to be loved.  I am a good, hard working, Christ loving, people loving person.  And when I say I will do something I do my best to do it.  I will not keep trying to prove to anyone but Christ that I am worthy.  And I will only keep trying to prove to him I am worthy because I am so unworthy of his prefect love.  He has done nothing to me but everything for me, and everyday I hurt him.  Everyday I do something sinful I am sure.  I think those that really love me, will love me because I am messy, I am really messy sometimes but I am worth having in their lives and I am love able.  I don't think until tonight's teaching at shift I really believed I was love able.  I always thought yep, so and so is.....but me...nah!  I have to prove it.

I've always since I was little struggled with appearance, never felt like I was beautiful.  And honestly I still struggle with that.  But I always thought I was a little beautiful on the inside.  And I thought what I had on the inside, the love I had for people.  Made up for the lack of outer beauty.  Then lately I've begin to question even that. Tonight during a random prayer, I felt God's hand over my heart telling me not to question that.  I am beautiful on the inside, really beautiful to him.  I think refined and hard pressed through the trials, God can clearly see his image in me.  That's all he wants....

Thank you Jesus for filling me tonight for letting me see you, feel you and really let you show me through the fire lately

Tonight I was reminded if we get too comfortable with anything/anyone, we take it for granted.  And I think I did take it for granted and I think there have been times I've been taken for granted.  I will change that about myself.  I won't allow myself to get too comfortable with the flesh anymore.
I have taken the gifts God has given me and I have done great things with some of them, others I have been selfish and only shared with a few people.  I've been greedy and shashed all my gifts with a select few.  It's time I use those gifts and go meet those God has me planned on sharing them with.

I never thought as a little 10 year old girl, hiding under her covers from her dad, that I could use that to help someone.  I never thought with all the lies, of how ugly I was, how horrible my tears were, how no one else could love me if my own parents couldn't show it, how not having a dad made me so different and unworthy.

A year and a half ago I let some of that go, I took a huge risk of letting people in like I have never ever on any level done.  And it's been hard pressing, challenging and at times I questioned myself as to why I did it.  I knew I would get hurt.

And yes I got hurt, let down...... But oh the glory and grace that came with it.  The lessons and gifts God has shown me through those hardships.  No regrets here.  It was a risk and in the end a delightful one, no matter the length of the blessings I've received.

If I have hurt anyone.... By an action, a comment, a look, pushing you away.  I am sorry, really really sorry.  Nothing I can do or say will change that.  NOTHING... But do know I am a woman of my heart and I do not say things like this publicly if I don't mean it.  I wish I could change a few things, mend the heart I've hurt, get trust back I've lost, laughter that once was and now diminished back.  But I cannot change anyone else, and I won't try to anymore either.

I am going to live life differently.  As I was told tonight.  Take each day as it comes, not borrowing anymore time that was never promised.  I love deeply I say I love you everyday in case it's my last.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  And I don't want to regret what I did or didn't say.

And those frailties and cracks in our clay pot? They are not to be despised, for they now serve a purpose! They allow the life of God, our cherished treasure, to seep out for all those around us to see.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.