Seeing people post pictures of their dads on facebook, giving shout outs to the great men in their lives. Telling the world how much they love their dad, and for me it's a little painful.
I always think about how unloved I was, how easy it was to walk out on me, how could he not reach out, when I reached out first? How does it not get painful to think of all your missing out on. And I remember maybe he does hurt, and if he doesn't he is missing out too!
Someone recently posted about the biggest lesson they learned from their dad, and I guess mine is a little twisted. My dad taught me all the things I didn't want in a man, the qualities I wanted to avoid. The life lessons I didn't want my kids to learn.
So it's really bittersweet. I didn't dance on my daddy's toes as a little girl, I didn't get twirled around, never known as daddy's princess. No dad to walk me down the aisle and give me away. No dad to go to for advice. I don't have a dad to watch my kids grow up, no one for them on my side to know as grandpa. No old man as time passes to love and worry about. To joke with, to laugh, to be mad at.
But at the same time I have come to learn to know God as my Heavenly Father. While I saw growing up and even until recently in my faith walk. I never even began to think of God in that way. Honestly I don't think until the past 6 months I even began to really think of him as my Papa.
I always got creeped out when I heard God referred to as Daddy, Papa, Father. I guess because of the way I was taught to fear God the last thing I wanted to consider God, was someone... who loved me, cared for me, had my best interest in mind. There has never been a single man in my life that has wanted any of that for me. And because I blamed God for all that had happened to me, I didn't know him in that way, I certainly didn't fear him in a healthy manor.
As I've grown and seen God's hand on my life, I began to think of him as a loving Father. Then I decided one day to reach out to him as my Papa, my Daddy. And simply calling him that out loud brought me to my knees in tears.
He really did love me, I just didn't love him. Just as a little child I was resentful of him testing me, not being all I wanted him to be. And because my heart wasn't softened to hear him, I couldn't connect. I couldn't hear him if I wanted to. It took a lot of time to learn how to be still and listen for his response.
It was foreign to me because it's unlike any relationship in the physical sense.
But how I wish I had all the beautiful words to share with everyone at how amazing my only Dad is. I am a lucky girl in the sense of knowing him the way I do. I am so thankful to have a dad I can have a great relationship with.
He planned me just like other dads plan their kids, he numbered all the hairs on my head, he knew my future long before the parents who birthed me did. He knew the day I would run to him with open arms. To be embraced as a woman proud of her Papa. And I have no doubt he is proud of me too.
I won't lie if I let the enemy get inside my head a little, he tends to weaken the bond and make me reflect on the father in flesh I was born to, or the one who I never really had. It's a little disheartening to know I will never be daddy's girl to some man here, that I will never have what some girls have. But in reality I do have what lots of girls like me have.
A man who helped make her very existence possible, I am grateful that because of the father who helped conceived me I am here. I have given life 6 times, and I get to parent five on this earth. I am so lucky in a twisted way to have learned to look for what I wanted in my children's father. Just like people who have great role models as dads do in another sense. I wasn't as cheated as I once thought.
I have also learned how to seek out great role models for my children in other men. Because it really does "take a village" to raise children. And I want my children to grow and learn about all walks of life, thought processes.
I was blessed to have "bumped" into a man whom I look up to highly because he is such an amazing role model of what a man of Christ is suppose to look like. And the best thing is we still all agree we aren't perfect. So it makes for a real, authentic relationship.
I get to see yes, what I miss out on. By watching him with his family, but I also get to see what to strive for. I can't be jealous because he is a part of my life, when he doesn't need to be. It wasn't an obligation, he loves my family because he wants to. Not because he has to. And that right there is one of the best dad figures ever!!!!! He picked me, chose to do life along side my family. He knows who he is, and I thank him with all my heart. Love you {G} Happy Father's Day!!!
And he always points me to look up!!!
So while father's day is bittersweet, it's a lot more sweet these days than bitter! All we have to do is be willing to drink from the cup our Papa is offering us. Not deciding how it will taste, before we give it a try.
So I encourage you to look up, seek out, and get to know the one Father who loves you above anyone on this earth can possibly do. Remember he numbered the hairs on your head, your earthy parents maybe counted your fingers and toes.
Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.
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