Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Am I good enough ?

I am pretty sure at some point in all of our lives we have or will ask ourselves.... Am I good enough?

I am in fact constantly asking myself that, and now I am learning to ask myself other questions......

Last week at a teaching we talked about this very subject and what that question really stems from.  And the pastor said "When it's all about you, you will never be good enough!"

And I sat in my chair leaning forward just a little because I was intrigued a little, mainly because I ask myself this all the time.  And I wanted answers, I wanted to know why this broken part of me always wanted to feel good enough, especially when I never did despite my best attempts.  Or if I did it was almost always short lived.

When are have to ask ourselves this question it's because we are consumed with ourselves, and maybe like myself you just grew up having to be good enough to be pleasing.  And for me it carried over into my everyday adult life.

When things, people, situations, relationships are all about us, we become consumed with the circumstances, and we worry, and we worry because we lose control and loss of control is all about uncertainty.  Uncertainty comes from not trusting God.

When the pastor said all this..... a bell was like DING DING DING in my head.  So loud it just kept echoing so that I wouldn't miss this chance to hear what God has tried for so long to tell me.

For the longest time ok most of my life I didn't trust God.  My life, the situations I was placed in, the events, the abuse all of it was so far outside my control.  Losing my son was the straw that broke the little stand of trust I had remaining.  I had decided that there was no such thing as a loving God because God would never allow such a cruel thing to happen to me, I was deserving of a third child.  I was a good mom, I was a good person.  It became all about me then too!  I thought God has once again overlooked me, that I was being punished for something... I wasn't 100% sure what that was yet.  Maybe that one time I stole from 7-11 as a middle school kid.  Or maybe because I let my step dad sexually abuse me, or even because I had already had two healthy children and the miscarriage prior to the loss of my son was a huge sign I had enough good stuff in my life and I was just pushing it by asking for another.

Things, situations and people in my life.... Hurt me and hurt me badly as a child.  And then I became untrusting of anyone around me, never letting my guard down.  And as an adult I finally let my guard down and I got hurt again.  These types of things happen.
But even with the current hurts, I see clearly when I look beyond myself and see the other great things. people God is placing in my path.  Despite the hurt there is such good, good in others, and mostly good in an amazing God who wants nothing more than good for us.

But when we become consumed with the hurt, the pain, we can't see things clearly.  Trust cannot be reformed when we remain uncertain and if we don't make the choice to trust there isn't room for us to see that maybe God has something bigger and better planned.

I am learning to stay eyes wide open and know every single day when I wake up I have a choice.  I have lots of choices really.  But I have a choice in trusting God's plan for me even if I do not see it.  And even if I don't agree and it feels crummy, rotten, unfair, unjust, lonely......Those are feelings.

My past is proof good things, amazing things can happen when you chose to trust and look beyond the cross (the pain, situation, the circumstance)

Now with different aspects of my life I am letting go of the "me" part.  What about me?  Why me?  This isn't fair?  They hurt me?  Why do they treat me that way?  Am I good enough?
The only one I want to be good enough for is Christ...And even then I know I am failing.  But I will keep trying.  I want people to bump into an amazing Father like I have through me.  That's my purpose here on earth.  At least for now I've decided

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