A little bit of background on myself. I grew up in a family who believed there was a God but didn't read the bible, pray together or even go to chruch except around the holiday times.
But something in me always nagged me that I needed him. I found going to a catholic church with my grandma as a start but didn't feel I fit in. Then as a young child I started attending my best friends church, which was methodist. I loved it there and the youth group was amazing. However I wondered away several years later as we all grew up.
I then started going to a Jehovah's witness church, I needed something so bad and wanted to belong that I kept going. I don't regret it one bit. It kept me close with God to an extent. It kept me out of trouble when my life crumbled as a teen. However, it never really fit into how I thought God wanted us to be. And I couldn't always make sense of it. My mom made me quite going when I was in high school, she thought it was cult like.
I think now she realizes she was wrong and it was good for me. But over time I kinda went away from church all together. That is until I had my first son Blake. Then we started going to the same church we went to where I was very involved in youth group. We went every single sunday and had Blake with us during church so he would learn from the start all about church and sitting.
Again, I found a deeper relationship with God. Then over time as my family grew and my children got older, it became very apparent that this church wasn't for us. Much of the congeration was much older than we were and they didn't have much to offer my kids. So we found another methodist church to pour our hearts into, with a bigger range of ages and lots more activities. However, I just didn't feel at home. It seemed like more work and just a religion.
After I lost my son, I was so angry with God. He allowed this to happen to me, maybe it was a punishment for anything and everything I had every done or that had happened to me. It didn't make sense. The God I thought so highly of, became cold in my heart. I thought maybe he was telling me I had two perfect healthy children at home, and to quit asking for so much. I thought because I had a miscarriage in the Sept before that he really was trying to prove a point.
The more I sat and reflected on this the more angry and cold my heart became. How on earth could a God that was suppose to be loving, caring and be like our father be so cruel? Hadn't I been through enough in my life? Losing a 34 week baby, 5 miscarriages, being molested by my step father from the age of 10-13, my biological father giving me up at the age of 2, my own mother struggling with her own issues and not having what she needed to be a mom.
Then I really began to question, where this so called loving God, really was? He had abadonded me like everyone had.
So I thought....... Something always nagged at me over the past 3 years. I needed him I knew I needed him I just needed to allow him, find him again and let him be in control.
To let go of every assumption out there. I wanted to be with my son someday and I needed HOPE more than ever. I realized my life couldn't get much worse, what harm was there in letting him work all the bad for good? And turn my ashes into something of beauty.
I found Flatirons at the end of 2010. I am so blessed, incredibly blessed. This is home. It's not a church. I have found God on a much deeper leavel. And somedays I think that man/woman whatever is crazy. He has begun to pull me into many ways of using my pain for good.
Things I never thought I would ever expose or tell someone else. I am SCARED to say the least. Did I mention I think God is crazy? I am so excited but so scared. I honestly feel I could puke from nervousness.
I have found out he was preparing to use the things in my life that he allowed to help others maybe. And to soften my heart a little maybe.
He brought some amazing people into my life to helpas well. I struggle with feeling like I am a person of worth to have them in my life. Maybe they say they love me and care about me to suck me in, but don't mean it. But I know I have to try to let them prove it and quit assuming they are like everyone else.
I don't feel so abadoned anymore which is nice. But I still live in fear sometimes daily that I will be. I have always been left for one reason or another. But I am allowing him. I feel like because of my past and the track record it holds with people leaving me that it's a matter of time before someone I love will leave me, or before I feel he has left me too.
Prayer is still something I am learning how to do, it still feels ackward. A one sided conversation most of the time. I know I will get there. It will take time.
Regardless I am allowing him, fully this time. I cannot do it without him. I know in my heart he never left me, even if he was silent.
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