I've had a few rough patches the past two years. Three specific events that have left me sad, and broken and even a little breathless. Or at least that's the way I've felt.
This last moment or event.... Knocked me on my butt, grabbing my chest and crying deep screams into the pit of my very being. I think somewhere deep inside I thought this moment would be coming.... You know the kind of sensations that tell you something is going to happen and something is wrong? Some call it gut feeling. But I did what I have learned to do so well. Ignore it, push it down and pray I am wrong. Then a month ago, it all fell apart.
My marriage that is... My husband said the dreaded words he told me 18 months ago. And 12 years to the month we moved into together and became a serious item. Divorce. It's an ugly word. It means someone gave up, didn't want to try. And something in me wanted to beg him to change his mind. Not even beg but almost look like a fool and desperate. And really I am desperate for him. I can't imagine my life without him, I can't picture moving on, even just to learn how to be me. Independent and courageous. I can't picture our family without him. I am self fish I want that dream, the one I dreamt so long ago.
Not the white picket fence, beautiful kids (even though I do believe God gifted me the most beautiful children), lots of money to never have to worry. That wasn't my dream. I just had this dream of being successful at having a family who stayed together, being really loved by my spouse, enjoying and laughing. Creating memories that my children would cherish. Not having kids from a broken home and a blended family. He was in my vision plan 20 years from now.... We were laughing and talking on our patio in my vision.
And now I must recreate a vision to be missing a piece I don't know how to live without. I know and I am so very thankful for a God with a vision far exceeding what I think I need and want. He already knows what is awaiting me and my kids.
It's in these breathless moments my flesh is stronger than ever..... Questioning why me???? How could be divorce be a good plan? How is having my kids from a broken home good? Where is the goodness in all of this? Wouldn't my marriage being restored be good, that surely would bring such great glory to God....
My flesh is filled with pride because I don't want to have to admit I cannot provide for my kids, I have to tell them no a lot now. It's only been a month and I've had to say no and remind them of the heartbreaking reality that mommy has no money. My pride is so strong willed right now because I am at the full mercy of my ex husband to provide for my kids, to take care of me. Before I met him I provided for myself from the age of 14 on I had a job. I knew how to be responsible. And being a stay at home mom for so long and having 3 small kids still out of school, has left me dependent on him still. And I'm weak in his eyes.
Pride that this Christmas I will have to learn to put away somehow just so my kids can experience even a small Christmas. Trying to find programs that will help me is so humbling on one hand and yet so humiliating on the other. This is not a place I ever thought I would find myself in.
My flesh won't let me see myself the way God sees me. I try and fight my flesh often and know that I am precious and God sees something I cannot compherend. But I feel so broken right now. More broken than I can put into words, which is why I decided to come here to write. I know I cannot be the only one. I cannot be the only one fighting for a marriage to be restored when the other party is clearly done and has no will or even love anymore.
My flesh has envy right now, I want what others have. A husband to help them feel secure and treasured. And I am beginning to think that was never Gods plan for me. But my flesh makes me fall hard wanting it. I want to be treasured by someone and feel special..... irreplaceable.
The next big moment will be this weekend when he will take the kids for the first time for a whole weekend. Where my little ones will stay the night somewhere other than home. And yes, I know I've been told how good this will be for them. On one hand I am grateful that they will get to learn how to sleep somewhere other than home. They are used to other people being here with them, but never sleeping somewhere than the comfort of their beds. I've been praying to God to please make this seem like a fun thing for them, not something of torture.
But my heart still hurts for them. Listening to the older ones talk about how sad they are, the younger ones don't seem to care or even get it yet.
But splitting holidays and not having my kids will be so hard. Thanksgiving this year will be alone..... I mean completely alone. No family around and my kiddos with their dad. Christmas won't be too bad I have them this year he has them for Christmas Eve..I am so thankful for that. Since he is an unbeliever I am grateful this year I can celebrate the true meaning as always with them, keep the normal traditions the same for one more year.
So many new firsts are coming... So much hurt... So many moments I know I will find myself at the foot of the cross again needing my savior, my healer and my redeemer more than ever. I am trying so hard to push some of this down. Knowing feelings are deceiving and this isn't permanent I just have to look beyond the cross.
I just want to not feel so broken tonight.... I want sleep that has been keeping a far distance because soon I will need to be put into a nut house if I don't sleep. The nights seem so much longer than ever before. I find myself praying the serenity prayer over and over, and my life verses. I find comfort usually in these simple things. And I am looking to Christ to be my husband while I don't have one, but it's lonely. Sometimes you really do learn the hard way you took things for granted. I always thought the strong smell of his body wash in the mornings would wake me up, that he tossing and turning in the bed would always keep me awake to a point of annoyance. And then one day it's gone.... And I don't want to be lonely my flesh wants him back so badly.
I hate the flesh of this world, and I can't wait till everything I know is true about God and the promises he has made come true. I have to learn to be patient and not conform with the rest of the world.
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And
And
Proverbs 3:5-6
New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
I have felt that. I, too, fought for my marriage, when clearly he was done. It's so heart-breaking. (((Hug))) I truly do understand what you a feeling.
ReplyDeleteKrista