waves

It's been a tough two years, tumultuous at that!

I say it often, but I guess in my ignorance I thought following Christ would be so much easier!  And I am coming to learn that really, it's so far from that.  Not because Christ isn't good and loving but because of the fallen world we live in.  And because of the enemy that's fighting everyday to drag me away from Christ.

I've spent the last two years trying to fight for my husbands soul.  And I can only pray that although he wanted a divorce and left that he will still come to know God.

I spend many days in anger at him (my soon to be ex-husband), even tonight I sat crying to God that I didn't ask for any of this.  I am exhausted......I need rest from the battle.  That I just don't understand why all this is happening.

And I am angry that my ex doesn't see how much of his life he has truly blown up.  My heart is breaking for him.  But my heart is also, so very broken for my kids and for me.

Dreams that were crushed, for a battle I fought for so long that I lost.

For many unanswered prayers.

It's been a six month long battle 

of emotions

broken dreams

fears

sanity

struggling for peace

And in waves I get peace, and little or big tides of the enemy seem to try to pull me under, and so far I've kept a hold of my lifeguard.  I know he walks on water. 

But some days in my human sinful flesh I just don't want to do this any longer. Not that I can't....

I know I can, I know God will get me through, HE always has.  

But I am exhausted to the point all I've been able to pray for myself is "Jesus I need you"!!!

That's it!!

And I know he hears all that follows that I am unable to speak.

And for that I am so thankful, I am no longer even sure of what I need.  I feel so stripped of everything in this world.  HE is all I have.

I feel like I just can't be a mom, I can't keep it together anymore.

Now my ex husband has quit his job, the job that provided little child support and some alimony.

And my resources are thin, I only have so many options.  Working full time would kill me in childcare, I am already working from home, doing childcare.  But I can't take on more kids, I don't have the room in my car. 

And the battle with my ex, has become something I cannot even put into words.  I just know when he texts or calls: my stomach litterly turns and I feel sick.

It doesn't seem to matter how Christ like my words are, or how often I avoid even talking because it won't go well. 

Knowing every time I stand up for myself, it pisses him off and we end up worse off than before. 

I've never felt so thick in the enemy's presence as I do when I have to deal with him.

I trust God so much! Even when it's been scary and every single time HE has provided for me.  And with all my might I am still clinging onto him.  

I just want this battle to end, and I know it won't until Christ comes, but I need to be refreshed in some way, soon! I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. 

I want to enjoy life to the fullest

I want to smile more

laugh deep belly laughs more

wake up excited about the day

Not doing this stuff......

I want to know there is so much more life beyond the walls in this house.

There are days where I am doing great and I have all the above, and its fairly frequent really.  All because I am choosing Joy and everything else. 

The stress of this divorce and single parenting is awful, and it's something I would shout from the roof tops warning everyone to come live one day with me, before ever raising the white flag on marriage.

The stress of my divorce is giving me bad ache like that of a teen girl, and it's not something I've ever dealt with before, its wicked and sucks! 

Yet, I know it's not over.
I've been the ugly duckling, black sheep for all my life.
And now this sick joke, is amplifying all that.

Just when I get a grip on my ever changing life, something else seems to drastically change.  I cannot even seem to be uncomfortably comfortable anymore. 

I would gladly go for uncomfortably comfortable at this point.

A little stability would be awesome!

And I am again so thankful Christ is the one and only thing that gives us that, he is the only stability we have.

If there was something I could tell people, it would be apperciate what you have, one day it could be gone.  And I know we all have heard that, but really....

I envy people who have a family

I don't

I am alone other than a couple of girlfriends

I don't have a single family member I can turn to

I've heard people as adults complain about their parents, but oh how I wish I had that.

I wish I had a mom or dad to call and cry on their shoulder.

Or to give me advice.

Divorce is one of the loneliness places to be, even more so when you have no family.