In my eyes I am not , but in his I am perfect.....

I got to thinking last night about my feelings towards the God I serve.

Deep down I know how truly awesome he is, but growing up I wondered if my own father leaving me was any indication of my Godly father as well. What he thought of me, how he felt about me and whether or not he truely loved me?

I always belived in God or a higher power. I seldom sat and talked to him. It felt one sided and through most of my life, I thought he was punishing me for many things. Growing up everything was always my fault, even if in fact, it wasn't.

I was the pawn of personal blame from many. I am however not perfect.

You see, because of all I was taught about myself and pounded into my little head as a kid. I began to believe, I was always wrong. It didn't matter if I wasn't. All it took was someone giving me a sad or angry face, ingoring me, not friening me the way I did them and I quickly decided I did something, anything wrong to make them feel that way.

I decided being molested had to be my fault, losing my child was my fault. My dad leaving me, not recieving love was my fault.

And the not so perfect part of me, was hurting those around me that I really cared about.

How??

Well I constanly put myself down, I was a self blamer, I never took any love, encouragement from those seldom few who did give it to me.

In fact, growing up I was really really close to an older female that became motherly to me. And I hurt her many times. By saying bad things about myself and putting myself down, telling her how often I would rather die and to quite telling me she loved me, because she didn't mean it. I made her cry on many occasions, and then felt bad about it.

But never until recently, did I see how much I hurt someone who loved me. How much I constantly pushed them away in fear they too would leave me, would hurt me. So I had to protect myself and keep them at a distance, never letting them love or care about me authentically.

I felt like if the two people who should love me couldn't then it was impossible for anyone else to as well. And especially our God. How on earth could he love me, when bad, sometimes horrible things kept happening to me? And he allowed it or then I thought caused it. And I had always felt like such a horrible individual.

As it has been as long as I can remember I have never really liked my outward apperance and my sensitivity.

I think because of all the negitivity growing up, I have it so engraved in my head. That I am not ok. When I cry I feel ugly and I am sure it's because I was told when I cried as a child I was told I was ugly. So I hate crying. It makes me feel vunerable, weak and well ugly.


I good friend has tried to pound it in my head that God made me just as I am and as he would want me. This will be my struggle. This has gone well into my adulthood. Even sitting with someone I care about now, hearing them tell me how great I am, how much they love me. I want to have that so bad, but sometimes I sit and think "sure your telling me that because you feel obligated to, it's the right thing to say." But I have had to learn to just sit with what she says, shut up and really listen, bite my lip and not roll my eyes. It's not easy at all, it's not anything I have ever experienced really, and it's uncomfortable. But good lord, it feels so good to hear it.

Something I guess sort of a new years resolution so to speak. I want to learn this. Not just hear it but feel it deep in my soul. That God made me in the image he wanted and I need to love myself as I am. That he didn't make a mistake with me, even if I feel like the world's biggest mistake.

I want to be able to embrace myself and love myself as God loves me.

Yet, it feel so ackward and foregin.

I also don't want to push people away in fear they will change their minds about me, or that they might not love me if they find out about me. I want to let them love me the way I love them, authentically and genuine. Without second guessing them or myself.

Saturday is a big day for me. I have been semi dreaing telling my story in front of a camera, and this morning I woke up feeling anxious and yet a calm peace about it. I think I am ready.....Still nervous and I don't want to cry which I know I will. But I am so ready. Please if you have a spare prayer or two pray for peace with this decision.