2011 Notes of gratitude

I have been working on this for some time now but have yet to post it, just wanted to make sure I cover everything and everyone......

To my awesome God, thank you for loving me, for working in me and giving me all I need. Often times you are silent in life and that has always been my struggle, but I am starting to allow you more so in turn I feel you more, I hear you more. Thank you for giving me the strength, love, compassion and everything I need good and bad. Jesus for paying a price and giving your life, as a mother I am not sure I could of ever given my child for everyone else. For being a channel and a light to our amazing father.

God I truly thank you for Flatirons, and all that I have recieved through them. The childrens ministry... A way to calm my heart and renew my own parenting skills. The grief workshop... At first a love hate relationship, you allowed me to go from the once quiet girl who just sat and cried..... to doing cart wheels and loving so many people. I would have NEVER ever hugged a male in a workshop, but you have softened my heart and I have loved being able to offer comfort, a hug to a few of the men there. So many people whom I love now that because of this workshop you have put into my life. Vanessa, Rosalie, Rebecca, Donna, Rachael, Cindy just to name a simple few. And Nan of course but I will get into her later.

Thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom, to be molested YIKES did I just say that? While some peoples lives would have simply just ended because of this I am now really living. And yet, these two horrible tradgeys I have been through have molded me and made me into something greater than I ever imagined. It's not easy still but I cannot even begin to tell you the ways my life has morphed.

And for being the father I always needed but didn't know I needed. I was baptised on December 10th and I will tell you, it was then I was reborn more than ever so to speak. A month or so before that God started working in me, and I hated it. But I am allowing it and being baptised was my way of letting him know,it was time and I was willing. I wasn't going to fight him anymore.


And to Kristen..... My dear 19 plus years of friendship is not often come by. I have hurt you in the past and you me. But you are my sister not by blood but by choice. I love those three girls as my own, and would do anything for all 4 of you. You love me even though it may not always be easy because of the life you have been delt, and you love me well. You inspire me even if you don't believe it. A single mom who works her butt off and still loves our God so well, loves her children well, and wakes up each day and faces this cold, lonely world with a fight. Your beautiful and I love you.

My dear sweet Nan, what can I say.... Thank you for loving me and loving me so darn well. For not minding that I need reminded you love me, for taking the time to sit with me, hugging me, wiping my tears, brushing my hair back. By choice not obligation. For looking me in the eye and reminding me of the constant, amazing love of our father. For being that tangible love I need so desperatly in my life. Being a sister, and somewhat a mother in a weird way. Not that I need mothered now, but yet your affection is motherly. For your so powerful prayers..... You never let me down. The greatest gift of all bringing me to my heavenly father and allowing him to work in mighty ways even with the pain, and loving me with all my flaws, defects or not so much of defects really. And reminding me he loves me and made me just the way he wanted. For pushing me and knowing how much to push, even if I have told you I hated it, and once that I hated you for it too. For sitting across from me while I was interviewed last weekend, making sure I felt comfortable enough to share my story, holding me after and reminding me of the love from him and you. For teaching me how to laugh again.... And really laugh and mean it. For making me smile, I have been told by two different people this weekend alone how much I have changed and smile now. For calling me names, and only you will get that. I've never been so well loved. I love you!

Rae, my earthly angel. Almost three years later I know I have a safe place to land when times are tough. For never walking away when you had many chances. You delt with my clingyness and loved me for it. For pushing me when I felt defeted. For literly saving my life two years ago. A bottle of sleeping pills seemed like my only option. Your love, attention and fight to save my life, made life worth trying again. For your tears and constant reminder of my worth. For helping keep my sons memory alive each and every year.

Rosalie..... I am not even sure where to start. I really think God put you in my life to show me what forgiveness really looked like, I knew after hearing your journey with the death of your husband by someone else, that I too could forgive. I didn't have to but I wanted to. But couldn't find out what that looked like until you. For loving me again so well. Your an amazing example of Christ and what a godly sister looked like. It can only get better from here. Because of your love of God and following his example I was able to forgive my father and my step father and it's only been a few weeks yet, I feel so free'd.


Jennifer~ after so many years of friendship you still find it in your heart to love me constantly, genuine and amazingly. We have been such great friends, and had a few hard times. But in the end after so many years we are still best friends. We share so much in common and have been able to witness so much in eachtothers lives it's incredible.

Katherine~ For loving me the way you do, for constantly checking in on me. For loving me like your sister, for being such an amazing part of my life. For being part of my church family now as well. It's that much more amazing to share God with you. For taking time to give to families like myself, so we don't go home empty handed.

Dee~ For being the amazing friend/collegue you are. For making memories of my family each year, and being willing to teach me along the way. For everything you do for families such as myself.

Vanessa~ my sweet new friend, I hardly know you and yet I feel like we have known eachother for so long. The grief workshop threw you into my life and I am not letting you go. Thank you for loving me, for checking in on my often and making me feel special. I cannot wait to get to know you better. Your texts and comments on facebook and wednesday hugs are simply the best.

To all my angel mom's~ you have been a rock for me, an outlet to express my feelings and love for my son openly. That is one of the greatest gifts of all. For allowing me into your lives as a friend. And being a push sometimes I needed to keep going. Losing a child is so very tragic and one step at a time we are making it a little different. We are the voice our children deserve and it's because we do it as a unit not one person. There are far too many of you to thank and I would never be able to stop writing. Some of you have become family. Some of you allowed me into the most difficult time of your lives to photograph your angel, and to remain a part of your lives even after.

God has worked some amazing people into my life, has done incredible work in my family and in me. I know that I have questioned life and my purpose. And now instead of waiting to find that purpose I am just going to live as Jesus would and make a purpose. A few of you have questioned my strength, my courage and my ability to be so free, and outgoing. Trust me if you asked Nan, Rae and a few of my friends..... Even a year ago this was not me. I was the shy girl who sat in the back of the room, tears filling my eyes in many cases, and very very quiet in church. God is who I give credit to. And some of the people he put into my life to show me I don't have to live that way. That I am so worth loving, I still need reminded and even two months ago sat in the back of the shift service, on the edge of my chair, tears in my eyes ready to walk out. God again worked his magic and put Nan right next to me knowing I wouldn't leave. Again a few weeks later I fought this woman at shift again ready to leave, crying telling her to stop.... I just couldn't do this anymore I was tired. I was just tired. God did it again, I stayed. I don't expect for it to be easy like it appears sometimes, and it's not trust me. Ask anyone of them. They know me all too well. I fight them....And I fight our God. But I will keep fighting. It's so worth it. God promised to turn our ashes into beauty. And he promises to use all bad for something good. He is doing just that in me.

My life has been nothing near a package with a pretty bow on it. My father abadonded me, I was molested by my step father from 10-14 year of age, I lost my son in 2008, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive, physically abusive household. But I am proof your past doesn't make you who you are. You have a choice I am not my past, my past isn't who I am as a whole. It's part of me yes, but it's not me.

I love each and everyone of you. God is simply amazing by blessing me with all of you!