I haven't written in so long, this is beyond overdue. It's been a year of up's and down's and yet simply amazing!
2011 was a year beyond full ! Yet, I am so thankful I was able to experience the true sadness and happiness. Without the downs we will never know how good the ups feel.
I serve an amazing God, who I have come to fall in love with. Yet, I am human so I push back when he pushes me. I tell him no when I feel like he is telling me to do something I don't want to do. And I act like a child from time to time. But I am so happy to serve the God I do.
This is no better time, with it being Easter weekend to do this blog on gratitude. Because I am undeserving of his faithful, constant, un-condemning love. Christ died on a cross for me, for all of us but I know me and I know I don't deserve the sacrifice he gave for me. I wouldn't in a million years have given up my child's life to save the lives of others. As a mother who lost a child. The thought of that selfless, crazy act always comes to mind. Ethan may be in Heaven and I don't have to question where he is, if he is safe. But to give up your child's life to pay for the sins of others is something I cannot wrap my head around. I couldn't do it.
I miss Ethan often, some day's daily.... And to remember what it was like holding my lifeless child in my arms, seeing the pain stinging look of death starring me in the face. And yet to know that God witnessed his child, being beaten, crucified on a cross and plain out tortured for ME. It brings me to my knees to know I have a father in Heaven that loves me that much!!!
I am so thankful for that gift when I know I don't deserve such love.
As 2012 came to an end and 2013 began I knew this new year would be full of countless blessings.
Blake turned 10, Aiden 8, Ethan celebrated his 5th Birthday in Heaven with our savior, Corbin turned 4. That was just in the first 2 months of the year. I am blessed to have 5 healthy children on this earth with me. And then one little boy in Heaven waiting for me! The Hope I get to experience daily is beyond imagine.
Then Feb 21st I delivered my sweet surro baby Carmina. A fast and furious birth, that led to one couples dream being made a reality. And it's all because of a God who loved them so much he allowed this little girl to grow in my belly, that I was able to experience the gift of life in a way there will never be words to describe. That was an experience I know regardless of the rest of the worlds view I was BLESSED.
I was blessed that the pregnancy was rough, I was sick a lot, but the blessed part is......
I gave the gift of life of course, but I also learned a lot of lessons throughout my journey. That I recieved the gift of being still and letting others do for me while on bed rest, that my emotions were all over the place and I made a few close people nuts with the rollercoaster, but those people never left my life in the hardest part of it, I made a new family with Carmina's parents and siblings, I get to see love through their eyes and know I was a part of it, I was STRONG, I had a natural birth and my God showed me I was strong enough to do something I never thought possible, I also was able to hold a baby in my belly and arms for 9 months and give her away. Again God showed me just how strong I was.
These may not be blessings to some people. But they are some of the biggest blessings I have ever recieved.
I am thankful for my husband who let me follow my heart, and carry a baby who wasn't ours. He dealt with the emotions, sickness. And he loved me through it all. I am thankful for the new blessings I am constantly learning about my life partner. You don't stop learning and growing when you say I do. Marriage is work and it's tough. But we are able.
I am thankful for my mom, I get to know her differently as an adult now. Not as a child. Again another blessing. I also get to be there for her in a different way. I get to walk her through a deep loss of my step father. I get to speak truth of life and grief to her. And what an amazing God we serve. That she too can have the HOPE I have..
I am thankful for another mother like woman in my life. Nan, she has walked the darkest journeys and paths of my life with me. She has adopted my family like her own, and shows me a love beyond any friendship I have ever had. Yet, the really cool thing is, she is teaching me all about my heavenly father and what an awesome father I have. I am in the beginning stages of really learning about God, the bible and what life is really like. She pushes me, and hard. Someday's she makes me mad, others I want to cling to her and never let go. I am thankful for a friendship like no other!
I am thankful for Jennifer a friend of many years, who I can be silly with and yet do life with. With no real judgement. I was a part in bringing God into her life on a level she never had. That's a pretty cool thing to be thankful for. I get a friend who doesn't walk out on me when I am being a witch, when I am complicated. And our kids get to grow up closely together.
Candy, another mom like friend in my life. I love getting to do life with someone who gets me, who understands the yucky alone feelings I get sometimes. And I also get her wisdom. Some people never get to lucky. God gave me her for a time such as this. We get to build eachother up and catch eachother when we fall.
For friends like Dee who would not stop for a second to take time away from her life to come to another birth of a baby, take priceless photographs for a family she doesn't know. And she was able to capture the birth in a way, beyond a price tag or words. She may be a friend who I don't get to spend much time with but would do anything for me.
Katherine, for always being there. For being such an amazing woman, with a heart to serve. Again someone I see on occasion passing in church or on facebook. But yet, I know she loves me and is rooting me on.
Kristen, we don't get to see eachother much at all. I kinda get to see life pass through facebook. But I know she will always understand me, and love my kids. We have grown apart at times. Found new friends at different stages in our lives. In the end I know we will always be friends. As time passes I hope to connect more often.
I am so thankful for my ips, that they picked me. I was able to be blessed through them being here in Co as much as they felt blessed. That they continue to keep me in their lives and share Carmina with me.
I am thankful I am surrounded by people who love me and my kids. That while I have no family here with me, and it can be lonely. I know I have people to count on. I am blessed God is in control and not me. Because I can often screw things up alone, without any help.
In Aug of last year I was also able to see the beauty of my surroundings through the child like eyes God gave me. And I shared it with three amazing women in my life. Sitting crying, worshiping. Seeing a double rainbow in Silverthorn. Being blessed by the holy spirit on girls weekend. A weekend I wouldn't trade for anything.
Without my anchor in life I would be screwed. My God keeps me together, aspiring to have qualities like his son, qualities like his other children here on earth. He keeps me on track when I fall off, and hopefully I am doing a good enough job with the 5 beautiful children he has lent me. That someday because of my faith they too will have seen, lived life wanting to be filled up by our God and no one else!!!!
On this weekend I KNOW I can trust God. Because he did as he said he would do.
Romans 1:4-5
And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit. Through Christ, God has given us the privilege and authority to tell Gentiles everywhere what God has done for them, so that they will believe and obey him, bringing glory to his name. (NLT)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, April 13, 2012
Overwhelmed by his Love and Grace
The past month has been a lot of humbling myself and seeing my character flaws. It's been hard and yet it's been somewhat incredible.
I can't describe it other than knowing when people find themselves in this place it's pretty amazing.
I have gone from a quiet, timid, shy girl that says prayers in her head to opening up and finally doing it outloud in front of a trusted friend.
I can say that honestly when I pray in my head it sounds ok, the second I spit it out, well it doesn't go the way I planned and it seems rather ackward, and untidy. I don't know if that makes sense.
In fact, the first time I prayed outloud my friend whom I asked to pray with me said "ok, but you have to start this time"........
Well talk about feeling out of place, scared, and anything uncomfortable feeling yup I had that feeling I am sure of it. I resisted, but she didn't give up. She held onto my hand and made me face it. I have to say that's what I love about her. She makes me face all those feelings that for so long held me back.
Anyways..... So finally I spit it out, I said a prayer that to me sounded horrid. (ok ok I hear you all, it wasn't horrid, that's the enemy speaking). She prayed next and cried tears of joy that I finally let go and turned to him.
Over the next month, we had many of these prayer obstacles in her car. And you know what? It's pretty freaking cool now. I love praying with her, with a few people and out loud alone. Praying doesn't feel so ackward anymore.
A few weeks ago I actually prayed for a friend at the studio before she gave her story on her sweet daughter Tayla, who passed away 2 years ago. Then last night a good friend/sister in Christ called me and asked me to pray for her/with her. And of course I felt a slight squeeze in my stomach, of "Will I be enough? Am I good enough?"
And I can answer that, YES I am ENOUGH, and I am GOOD ENOUGH!!!
How cool is that? I am slowly and surely stepping out of the boat on so many things lately, and more cool than that? He hasn't let me sink.........
I am so overwhelmed by his Love and Grace.
This isn't easy to face, it's so far from that. Facing my character flaws, of not feeling like I am enough for him, for others, that I am not good enough, loveable or deserving is so hard. I can't take a compliment for crap, I suck at it. But I AM working on it. I am better than I was.
Facing the fact, that all I need is my father, my savior and I will be complete is really hard. But I know its TRUE.
Sitting with feelings of uncomfortable-ness and knowing I don't have to jump and make decisions, that I can sit with it and be ok. Is REALLY hard too! I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl. If someone acts like I hurt them, or just upset. I would RUN, PUSH them AWAY. Because if I do it first, then I feel in control and I feel less hurt. When in reality, that's the biggest load of crap. I am still hurt and I am hurting myself.
So lately, I have had to confront myself with these flaws, and to sit with those feelings of hurt, abadondment, sorry, grief, fear which is the biggest. And know it will be ok, I will be ok. And if someone is not ok, that's ok too!
I have had to face the fact, that I am human. And I have made mistakes, and I WILL continue to make mistakes. I can face them, even if it sucks and I am scared out of my mind to admit to others these mistakes or even make amends when it's hard.
My father above has given me so much Grace...... I can only do the same for myself and for others.
I think the biggest thing he has set before me is the whole I am deserving, I am worthy and I am loved.
I never felt loveable, honestly I have always felt and still feel far older in apperance and in my heart because of the journey my life has taken.
I don't remember ever being that little girl who was born almost 31 years ago. I feel aged, old, un-loveable and so undeserving. And it's so scary to be here. To let others in, to be.... To really just be me. And be ok with me. Knowing who I am and being ok deep down in the inner pit of my being. And knowing they too can know me, and still love me.
Regardless of my past, my mistakes, my failures, my demons, my scars from others or myself. I am so WORTH it, DESERVING, and PRECIOUS.
And yet, I still stumble. I still get angry that God keep pushing all these things, flaws in my face to deal with. That he put this one woman in my life to love me, to push the crap out of me when it comes to working hard. I wish sometimes he would give me a break. I wish that he wouldn't use someone tangible to be in my face to love on me.
But then I sit and think, honestly at almost 31... He is pushing me so hard but in the end that's a few less years of work I will have to endure the hard stuff because he want's me to have freedom now.
God put this wonderful project in my path, it's not always easy I have to face my character flaws an awful lot, and I hear my story fall out of people's mouths all the time. Which makes me cry a lot, but yet it's been so healing.
I haven't been nervous of this journey, not yet anyways. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me, for all my team mates. For all the people who so bravely step forth and share the dark parts of their lives. If only to offer HOPE to those just now finding themselves in the dark, alone, scary pits of their lives.
Our Pastor has said, if you haven't found yourself in one of those pits yet, you will. And I know this project will help so many. Because a common bond all of us have shared is "If I only had someone back then". Well now they will. Even if a 100 miles, a whole world away. They will know that they are not alone.
Not that they are, I know God is with them. I know they just don't want to hear him as I was the same way many months ago. But still he is using all of us to be there for them, and in turn someday they too may turn to him. He knows when that will happen.
A few weeks back, our Pastor talked about how hard it is when God wants to use us for stuff and how he is just like us as parents with a kid on a bike and we are teaching them how to ride without training wheels, how he knows it hard, and that when we fall he is there, rooting us on telling us, that we were so close, and maybe we will get it next time.
I so loved this description because it's so true, he loves us just the way we love our kids. He knows we will fall and stumble and each time he is there to love on us, and to tell us how close we are.
I am not sure what my future holds but if now is any indication of then. Well count me in...... I can't wait.
I am so OVERWHELMED by HIS LOVE and GRACE!!!!!!!
I can't describe it other than knowing when people find themselves in this place it's pretty amazing.
I have gone from a quiet, timid, shy girl that says prayers in her head to opening up and finally doing it outloud in front of a trusted friend.
I can say that honestly when I pray in my head it sounds ok, the second I spit it out, well it doesn't go the way I planned and it seems rather ackward, and untidy. I don't know if that makes sense.
In fact, the first time I prayed outloud my friend whom I asked to pray with me said "ok, but you have to start this time"........
Well talk about feeling out of place, scared, and anything uncomfortable feeling yup I had that feeling I am sure of it. I resisted, but she didn't give up. She held onto my hand and made me face it. I have to say that's what I love about her. She makes me face all those feelings that for so long held me back.
Anyways..... So finally I spit it out, I said a prayer that to me sounded horrid. (ok ok I hear you all, it wasn't horrid, that's the enemy speaking). She prayed next and cried tears of joy that I finally let go and turned to him.
Over the next month, we had many of these prayer obstacles in her car. And you know what? It's pretty freaking cool now. I love praying with her, with a few people and out loud alone. Praying doesn't feel so ackward anymore.
A few weeks ago I actually prayed for a friend at the studio before she gave her story on her sweet daughter Tayla, who passed away 2 years ago. Then last night a good friend/sister in Christ called me and asked me to pray for her/with her. And of course I felt a slight squeeze in my stomach, of "Will I be enough? Am I good enough?"
And I can answer that, YES I am ENOUGH, and I am GOOD ENOUGH!!!
How cool is that? I am slowly and surely stepping out of the boat on so many things lately, and more cool than that? He hasn't let me sink.........
I am so overwhelmed by his Love and Grace.
This isn't easy to face, it's so far from that. Facing my character flaws, of not feeling like I am enough for him, for others, that I am not good enough, loveable or deserving is so hard. I can't take a compliment for crap, I suck at it. But I AM working on it. I am better than I was.
Facing the fact, that all I need is my father, my savior and I will be complete is really hard. But I know its TRUE.
Sitting with feelings of uncomfortable-ness and knowing I don't have to jump and make decisions, that I can sit with it and be ok. Is REALLY hard too! I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl. If someone acts like I hurt them, or just upset. I would RUN, PUSH them AWAY. Because if I do it first, then I feel in control and I feel less hurt. When in reality, that's the biggest load of crap. I am still hurt and I am hurting myself.
So lately, I have had to confront myself with these flaws, and to sit with those feelings of hurt, abadondment, sorry, grief, fear which is the biggest. And know it will be ok, I will be ok. And if someone is not ok, that's ok too!
I have had to face the fact, that I am human. And I have made mistakes, and I WILL continue to make mistakes. I can face them, even if it sucks and I am scared out of my mind to admit to others these mistakes or even make amends when it's hard.
My father above has given me so much Grace...... I can only do the same for myself and for others.
I think the biggest thing he has set before me is the whole I am deserving, I am worthy and I am loved.
I never felt loveable, honestly I have always felt and still feel far older in apperance and in my heart because of the journey my life has taken.
I don't remember ever being that little girl who was born almost 31 years ago. I feel aged, old, un-loveable and so undeserving. And it's so scary to be here. To let others in, to be.... To really just be me. And be ok with me. Knowing who I am and being ok deep down in the inner pit of my being. And knowing they too can know me, and still love me.
Regardless of my past, my mistakes, my failures, my demons, my scars from others or myself. I am so WORTH it, DESERVING, and PRECIOUS.
And yet, I still stumble. I still get angry that God keep pushing all these things, flaws in my face to deal with. That he put this one woman in my life to love me, to push the crap out of me when it comes to working hard. I wish sometimes he would give me a break. I wish that he wouldn't use someone tangible to be in my face to love on me.
But then I sit and think, honestly at almost 31... He is pushing me so hard but in the end that's a few less years of work I will have to endure the hard stuff because he want's me to have freedom now.
God put this wonderful project in my path, it's not always easy I have to face my character flaws an awful lot, and I hear my story fall out of people's mouths all the time. Which makes me cry a lot, but yet it's been so healing.
I haven't been nervous of this journey, not yet anyways. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me, for all my team mates. For all the people who so bravely step forth and share the dark parts of their lives. If only to offer HOPE to those just now finding themselves in the dark, alone, scary pits of their lives.
Our Pastor has said, if you haven't found yourself in one of those pits yet, you will. And I know this project will help so many. Because a common bond all of us have shared is "If I only had someone back then". Well now they will. Even if a 100 miles, a whole world away. They will know that they are not alone.
Not that they are, I know God is with them. I know they just don't want to hear him as I was the same way many months ago. But still he is using all of us to be there for them, and in turn someday they too may turn to him. He knows when that will happen.
A few weeks back, our Pastor talked about how hard it is when God wants to use us for stuff and how he is just like us as parents with a kid on a bike and we are teaching them how to ride without training wheels, how he knows it hard, and that when we fall he is there, rooting us on telling us, that we were so close, and maybe we will get it next time.
I so loved this description because it's so true, he loves us just the way we love our kids. He knows we will fall and stumble and each time he is there to love on us, and to tell us how close we are.
I am not sure what my future holds but if now is any indication of then. Well count me in...... I can't wait.
I am so OVERWHELMED by HIS LOVE and GRACE!!!!!!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Giving up
the need to control the outcome of my current situation is so frustrating. I know God wants me to trust him and lean only on him. I am fine leaning only on him. However, with it driving my husband further and further away, and divorce a huge possibilty looking me straight in the face. I am beyond petrified.
I don't know how not to feel I need to make things better and right. I don't know how I can possibly walk away and not feel to blame for making a mess that my children have to deal with.
However, I have gave this relationship/marriage to God and I am letting go and whatever happens happens. It doesn't mean that I am doing it without wondering what the heck is going to happen, how I will get through. I am not even looking at tomorrow at this point. Strictly today, and that still feels so rotten and unmanageable.
I have found myself in tears, on my knees and praying constantly throughout the day. To make this right, better however he sees fit. I am constantly thanking him for what he has given me, the people in my life especially because I know without him Nan and my friends wouldn't be there in the way they are.
I am so content with the changes I have made. I am happy deep in my soul. And I love that I can laugh deep down into the very pit of my being. But it doesn't make this unknown easy to face.
I am teetering on the edge of giving up and saying God is it really worth it? Because right now it doesn't feel worth it at all. It really just feels rotten.
But yet, I do know he is faithful. I have found a voice I never had. I know how to ask for things I want. Like the comfort of a friend.
I had to make that request today, I had to ask if someone could make time for me. And in turn she just held me, let me cry, read the word of Jesus to me, and just held me. But not that long ago I wouldn't have known how to ask for that, how to crave it healthy and feel like I was worth loving in that way.
I guess I just keep taking it one minute at a time, then maybe a few hours and then a day. Maybe one day at a time for me is just too much right now.
I don't know how not to feel I need to make things better and right. I don't know how I can possibly walk away and not feel to blame for making a mess that my children have to deal with.
However, I have gave this relationship/marriage to God and I am letting go and whatever happens happens. It doesn't mean that I am doing it without wondering what the heck is going to happen, how I will get through. I am not even looking at tomorrow at this point. Strictly today, and that still feels so rotten and unmanageable.
I have found myself in tears, on my knees and praying constantly throughout the day. To make this right, better however he sees fit. I am constantly thanking him for what he has given me, the people in my life especially because I know without him Nan and my friends wouldn't be there in the way they are.
I am so content with the changes I have made. I am happy deep in my soul. And I love that I can laugh deep down into the very pit of my being. But it doesn't make this unknown easy to face.
I am teetering on the edge of giving up and saying God is it really worth it? Because right now it doesn't feel worth it at all. It really just feels rotten.
But yet, I do know he is faithful. I have found a voice I never had. I know how to ask for things I want. Like the comfort of a friend.
I had to make that request today, I had to ask if someone could make time for me. And in turn she just held me, let me cry, read the word of Jesus to me, and just held me. But not that long ago I wouldn't have known how to ask for that, how to crave it healthy and feel like I was worth loving in that way.
I guess I just keep taking it one minute at a time, then maybe a few hours and then a day. Maybe one day at a time for me is just too much right now.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Dear God,
I really want to say WHY ME???? Honestly that's my first reaction. Then I must say please help me, show me, guide me.
I am so lost Lord I need you. I need this evil pain in the pit of my being to go away. The horrible dark thoughts to pass quickly and for you to give me grace, mercy and love.
I just need love right now. I am so lost and I want to do what's right, but I'm falling apart!
Always and forever,
Your afraid Daughter xoxoxo
I really want to say WHY ME???? Honestly that's my first reaction. Then I must say please help me, show me, guide me.
I am so lost Lord I need you. I need this evil pain in the pit of my being to go away. The horrible dark thoughts to pass quickly and for you to give me grace, mercy and love.
I just need love right now. I am so lost and I want to do what's right, but I'm falling apart!
Always and forever,
Your afraid Daughter xoxoxo
A constant reminder
I have struggled a little bit lately with just stuff is all I can say. Deep dark crap really and I decided that I have wanted to have a daily reminder of my Heavenly father's love on me.
Not something I can hide from, wash away etc. Something that’s permant. So I decided to get Beloved tattooed on my wrist. Where I will always see it and more siginfinate is that it's right above where I used to cut. I didn't notice that the other day until he put the transfer on my wrist and then I was worried about its placement. But my friend reminded me that's one of the best spots for it.
I fall short often of remembering I have value, I am loved if by no one else by the most important person my father. I don't have an earthy father so it's not always easy to remind myself that I am loved by someone of importance, and I often second guess his love for me when I feel like a fish out of water through life sometimes.
I always feel like clay on a potter’s wheel but sometimes I feel stiff and useless. God can always mold me and all things are possible with him.
So here is my work of art; my reminder that I am his always and forever.
It's only been a day but I've found myself starring at it often and loving having a visual reminder of my worth in his eyes. It was painful but not near the pain I went through to get to this point in my life. The scars from cutting are a reminder of my past and my hurt, shame, guilt and struggle. This is a reminder of where I am going and who's I am.
Crazy how I went from the girl who said she would never ever get a tattoo, to having three. One on my back of my sweet Ethan's footprints and date, one on my ankle of dandelions to represent my husband and I and 6 little whispers to represent my kids. And now this final reminder of my value and worth in God's eyes.
Not something I can hide from, wash away etc. Something that’s permant. So I decided to get Beloved tattooed on my wrist. Where I will always see it and more siginfinate is that it's right above where I used to cut. I didn't notice that the other day until he put the transfer on my wrist and then I was worried about its placement. But my friend reminded me that's one of the best spots for it.
I fall short often of remembering I have value, I am loved if by no one else by the most important person my father. I don't have an earthy father so it's not always easy to remind myself that I am loved by someone of importance, and I often second guess his love for me when I feel like a fish out of water through life sometimes.
I always feel like clay on a potter’s wheel but sometimes I feel stiff and useless. God can always mold me and all things are possible with him.
So here is my work of art; my reminder that I am his always and forever.
It's only been a day but I've found myself starring at it often and loving having a visual reminder of my worth in his eyes. It was painful but not near the pain I went through to get to this point in my life. The scars from cutting are a reminder of my past and my hurt, shame, guilt and struggle. This is a reminder of where I am going and who's I am.
Crazy how I went from the girl who said she would never ever get a tattoo, to having three. One on my back of my sweet Ethan's footprints and date, one on my ankle of dandelions to represent my husband and I and 6 little whispers to represent my kids. And now this final reminder of my value and worth in God's eyes.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Right where I am
I have been thinking of this journey in life that I am on. And I know I still have so far to go but yet I guess really I have come so darn far; in such a short amount of time.
Really I started this process of relying on God back in November of 2011 when I puked my life story in the Nan's office; she was a care pastor at the time. I am not even sure what possessed me to do that. It's not something that I would typically do.
I have always been rather over-protective of my life story in fear mostly. I hadn't even known her that long or well at all. I think I would have to give the credit to God on this one, mainly because of how outside my comfort zone it really was and because I never trusted anyone in my life that much or that fast. But I didn't hold a lot back, and here it is only 4 months later and there isn't a single thing this woman doesn't know about me.
Even if they are things those closest to me don't know or things I am very ashamed of she knows them all.
I think God knew it was time to take out the trash so to speak, and then I was given a platform to speak my truth, tell my story and use it for good, even those dark things. They will do something for someone else and that is only because God placed these people in my life.
I am still his masterpiece in progress and I know that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by his love, his work in me and the wonders I am only beginning to skim through.
I want to feel him more throughout my day like others do; I want to be more ok with not having the tangible love from my heavenly father. And I also need to let worry go, quit worrying about tomorrow and what it hold and be content in what today offers.
That's not easy for someone who wants to make everything work the way it seems it should.
I believe it was back at the retreat at the beginning of February I attended where I heard someone say. "If we knew the details we would chose what he has for us".
And how true that is. I have been through so much I would rather not call myself a victim but rather a victor and I would never have chosen the paths he allowed me to take in life or the things I have been through to make me more like his image. But in the end "those things", did just what he wanted and I would like to think I am a pretty good person because of them.
I still don't like thinking about being molested, raped twice, and losing my son. It's not easy to swallow from time to time. But I am getting so much better at looking at it as me being the clay on that spinning thing (I have no clue what they are called and I am too lazy to look it up), that is taking shape.
The clay doesn't always stiffen just right, it falls apart sometimes, sometimes a little too much water is added and it's soggy. But in the end the masterpiece is just as planned, even if it has a few marks, nicks, and odd bends in its shape.
He is my master and I am just his clay.
I cannot believe I am here, I just sit at times and look around me and think to myself, “This is so not how I thought my story would end". I really thought I would of been dead by now, I never thought I would be a mom to 6 amazing, loving, talented, awesome children. NEVER.
I surely didn't think I would have God on my side, I always thought he hated me, that I was just a disappointment in his life too. Now I am speaking his truth and each day with a little more condfidence.
I never thought I would be surrounded with the love I am today, that I would go from the shy girl who stayed home in fear to speaking her truth, running around like a child, and soaking up every opportunity that comes her way. I never thought I could love another male figure in my life (besides my husband) but I in fact do now. I don't even think twice about loving him and I don't cringe when he hugs me. I actually, look forward to those hugs.
I sit and read other people write or talk about where they are with God and I remember being there as well. I remember thinking there is no way I can sit and church and sing songs of praise to him, that he gives and takes away and be ok with it. I was such an angry cold person not that long ago.
I longed for his love, but I was so blind to see it was always there.
God is so faithful it just takes dusting off, brushing the dirt and scum of the world out of our eyes to see it.
I cannot believe this is my life now and I am so thankful. Thank you God for doing what you’re doing in me, for having faith in me when I have none. For lending me the love of your children and for them opening their hearts for a little space for me. Thank you for trusting me to do what I am doing and for loving me so much you don't turn away when I make mistakes. I will do my best to be a disciple of your love and will.
Really I started this process of relying on God back in November of 2011 when I puked my life story in the Nan's office; she was a care pastor at the time. I am not even sure what possessed me to do that. It's not something that I would typically do.
I have always been rather over-protective of my life story in fear mostly. I hadn't even known her that long or well at all. I think I would have to give the credit to God on this one, mainly because of how outside my comfort zone it really was and because I never trusted anyone in my life that much or that fast. But I didn't hold a lot back, and here it is only 4 months later and there isn't a single thing this woman doesn't know about me.
Even if they are things those closest to me don't know or things I am very ashamed of she knows them all.
I think God knew it was time to take out the trash so to speak, and then I was given a platform to speak my truth, tell my story and use it for good, even those dark things. They will do something for someone else and that is only because God placed these people in my life.
I am still his masterpiece in progress and I know that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by his love, his work in me and the wonders I am only beginning to skim through.
I want to feel him more throughout my day like others do; I want to be more ok with not having the tangible love from my heavenly father. And I also need to let worry go, quit worrying about tomorrow and what it hold and be content in what today offers.
That's not easy for someone who wants to make everything work the way it seems it should.
I believe it was back at the retreat at the beginning of February I attended where I heard someone say. "If we knew the details we would chose what he has for us".
And how true that is. I have been through so much I would rather not call myself a victim but rather a victor and I would never have chosen the paths he allowed me to take in life or the things I have been through to make me more like his image. But in the end "those things", did just what he wanted and I would like to think I am a pretty good person because of them.
I still don't like thinking about being molested, raped twice, and losing my son. It's not easy to swallow from time to time. But I am getting so much better at looking at it as me being the clay on that spinning thing (I have no clue what they are called and I am too lazy to look it up), that is taking shape.
The clay doesn't always stiffen just right, it falls apart sometimes, sometimes a little too much water is added and it's soggy. But in the end the masterpiece is just as planned, even if it has a few marks, nicks, and odd bends in its shape.
He is my master and I am just his clay.
I cannot believe I am here, I just sit at times and look around me and think to myself, “This is so not how I thought my story would end". I really thought I would of been dead by now, I never thought I would be a mom to 6 amazing, loving, talented, awesome children. NEVER.
I surely didn't think I would have God on my side, I always thought he hated me, that I was just a disappointment in his life too. Now I am speaking his truth and each day with a little more condfidence.
I never thought I would be surrounded with the love I am today, that I would go from the shy girl who stayed home in fear to speaking her truth, running around like a child, and soaking up every opportunity that comes her way. I never thought I could love another male figure in my life (besides my husband) but I in fact do now. I don't even think twice about loving him and I don't cringe when he hugs me. I actually, look forward to those hugs.
I sit and read other people write or talk about where they are with God and I remember being there as well. I remember thinking there is no way I can sit and church and sing songs of praise to him, that he gives and takes away and be ok with it. I was such an angry cold person not that long ago.
I longed for his love, but I was so blind to see it was always there.
God is so faithful it just takes dusting off, brushing the dirt and scum of the world out of our eyes to see it.
I cannot believe this is my life now and I am so thankful. Thank you God for doing what you’re doing in me, for having faith in me when I have none. For lending me the love of your children and for them opening their hearts for a little space for me. Thank you for trusting me to do what I am doing and for loving me so much you don't turn away when I make mistakes. I will do my best to be a disciple of your love and will.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Loved
I wasn't sure where to put this but I need to just put it out there. The past 4 months have been one heck of a roller coaster ride.
Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.
God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.
And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.
She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.
Oh, she loves me so well.
I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.
When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.
Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.
As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.
When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.
At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.
I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.
God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.
All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.
Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!
And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.
Seriously one minute up and the next minute full force crashing down, me screaming "let me off, please God make this stop". And the only way off was finshing the ride. It hasn't been easy but, Oh it has been so worth it.
God has a weird sense of humor sometimes and yet, I know how much he loves me by the tasks he has layed before me, the challenges I have made it through because he was there.
And he put this special woman in my life. She is everything I hope to be someday as a good, authentic, christian woman.
She has been there to pick me up, lend me hope when I had none and was at the bottom of a pit. She treasures me and she loves me.
Oh, she loves me so well.
I feel like a freak for putting this out there. But I feel myself scream inside sometimes because as a child I never knew this love existed. Love wasn't like this at all.
When I feel so broken and worthless she is just there to remind me, that HE loves me that I am HIS. And yet, she also loves me.
Just to put it more into perspective. Ethan's birthday just passed, for those that don't know Ethan is my son I lost 4 years ago. Anyways, she took me by his grave this weekend. I don't visit often I have surpassed the need to parent his grave. But I did go decorate it and wanted to drop off a Valentine there.
As I walked across the icey snow and bent down to place a kiss on his grave I was overcome with grief. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. I was sobbing harder than I have in awhile.
When I got back to the car where Nan was and sat down. I just lost it, she grabbed a hold of me and held me, prayed with me. She gets it. Oh my god she gets it.
At his celebration I said a few words of thanks and cried, afterwards again she just held me. She brushes my hair back, she hugs me, wipes my tears. These aren't the only times and I know I am not the only one she loves well. I remind myself of that too. She loves everyone. She is just a loving person. Which is where the enemy comes in and tries to break me down too. He has tried to tell me she loves everyone, so it's nothing special about me.
I have NEVER had this I am 31 years old and I have never been loved by a single person like this. Sometimes I feel guilty she loves me so much, but I try to remind myself that's a lie. The enemy wants to keep me from her because he knows that might make me crumble a bit.
God knew what he was doing when he placed her in my life. He knew how much I needed a tangible person to love me. I also think he knew I would be receptive to her love as well. A year ago I would have pushed her away in fear of her hurting me or leaving me. Or I would have given all myself to her doing what I was taught. If you give of yourself and don't take your a good person. And she has been instrumental in my building a relationship with God.
All I can really say is he is amazing and I would like to think I am deserving of this love, even if I don't always feel I am.
Thank you God thank you thank you thank you!
And Nan I love you! Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for making me laugh again so much my stomach can hurt, and thank you for bringing light into my life.
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