Giving up

the need to control the outcome of my current situation is so frustrating. I know God wants me to trust him and lean only on him. I am fine leaning only on him. However, with it driving my husband further and further away, and divorce a huge possibilty looking me straight in the face. I am beyond petrified.

I don't know how not to feel I need to make things better and right. I don't know how I can possibly walk away and not feel to blame for making a mess that my children have to deal with.

However, I have gave this relationship/marriage to God and I am letting go and whatever happens happens. It doesn't mean that I am doing it without wondering what the heck is going to happen, how I will get through. I am not even looking at tomorrow at this point. Strictly today, and that still feels so rotten and unmanageable.

I have found myself in tears, on my knees and praying constantly throughout the day. To make this right, better however he sees fit. I am constantly thanking him for what he has given me, the people in my life especially because I know without him Nan and my friends wouldn't be there in the way they are.

I am so content with the changes I have made. I am happy deep in my soul. And I love that I can laugh deep down into the very pit of my being. But it doesn't make this unknown easy to face.

I am teetering on the edge of giving up and saying God is it really worth it? Because right now it doesn't feel worth it at all. It really just feels rotten.

But yet, I do know he is faithful. I have found a voice I never had. I know how to ask for things I want. Like the comfort of a friend.

I had to make that request today, I had to ask if someone could make time for me. And in turn she just held me, let me cry, read the word of Jesus to me, and just held me. But not that long ago I wouldn't have known how to ask for that, how to crave it healthy and feel like I was worth loving in that way.

I guess I just keep taking it one minute at a time, then maybe a few hours and then a day. Maybe one day at a time for me is just too much right now.