Father's Day

Another year has cycled by and for girl's/women like me, it's bittersweet.  No father in the picture isn't something I haven't dealt with for many many years, really my whole life.  But it's painful none the less......

Seeing people post pictures of their dads on facebook, giving shout outs to the great men in their lives.  Telling the world how much they love their dad, and for me it's a little painful.

I always think about how unloved I was, how easy it was to walk out on me, how could he not reach out, when I reached out first?  How does it not get painful to think of all your missing out on.  And I remember maybe he does hurt, and if he doesn't he is missing out too!

Someone recently posted about the biggest lesson they learned from their dad, and I guess mine is a little twisted.  My dad taught me all the things I didn't want in a man, the qualities I wanted to avoid.  The life lessons I didn't want my kids to learn.

So it's really bittersweet.  I didn't dance on my daddy's toes as a little girl, I didn't get twirled around, never known as daddy's princess.  No dad to walk me down the aisle and give me away.  No dad to go to for advice.  I don't have a dad to watch my kids grow up, no one for them on my side to know as grandpa.  No old man as time passes to love and worry about.  To joke with, to laugh, to be mad at.

But at the same time I have come to learn to know God as my Heavenly Father.  While I saw growing up and even until recently in my faith walk.  I never even began to think of God in that way.  Honestly I don't think until the past 6 months I even began to really think of him as my Papa.

I always got creeped out when I heard God referred to as Daddy, Papa, Father.  I guess because of the way I was taught to fear God the last thing I wanted to consider God, was someone... who loved me, cared for me, had my best interest in mind.  There has never been a single man in my life that has wanted any of that for me.  And because I blamed God for all that had happened to me, I didn't know him in that way, I certainly didn't fear him in a healthy manor.

As I've grown and seen God's hand on my life, I began to think of him as a loving Father.  Then I decided one day to reach out to him as my Papa, my Daddy.  And simply calling him that out loud brought me to my knees in tears.

He really did love me, I just didn't love him.  Just as a little child I was resentful of him testing me, not being all I wanted him to be.  And because my heart wasn't softened to hear him, I couldn't connect.  I couldn't hear him if I wanted to.  It took a lot of time to learn how to be still and listen for his response.

It was foreign to me because it's unlike any relationship in the physical sense.

But how I wish I had all the beautiful words to share with everyone at how amazing my only Dad is.  I am a lucky girl in the sense of knowing him the way I do.  I am so thankful to have a dad I can have a great relationship with.

He planned me just like other dads plan their kids, he numbered all the hairs on my head, he knew my future long before the parents who birthed me did.  He knew the day I would run to him with open arms.  To be embraced as a woman proud of her Papa.  And I have no doubt he is proud of me too.

I won't lie if I let the enemy get inside my head a little, he tends to weaken the bond and make me reflect on the father in flesh I was born to, or the one who I never really had.  It's a little disheartening to know I will never be daddy's girl to some man here, that I will never have what some girls have.  But in reality I do have what lots of girls like me have.

A man who helped make her very existence possible, I am grateful that because of the father who helped conceived me I am here.  I have given life 6 times, and I get to parent five on this earth.  I am so lucky in a twisted way to have learned to look for what I wanted in my children's father.  Just like people who have great role models as dads do in another sense.  I wasn't as cheated as I once thought.

I have also learned how to seek out great role models for my children in other men.  Because it really does "take a village" to raise children.  And I want my children to grow and learn about all walks of life, thought processes.

I was blessed to have "bumped" into a man whom I look up to highly because he is such an amazing role model of what a man of Christ is suppose to look like.  And the best thing is we still all agree we aren't perfect.  So it makes for a real, authentic relationship.

I get to see yes, what I miss out on.  By watching him with his family, but I also get to see what to strive for.  I can't be jealous because he is a part of my life, when he doesn't need to be.  It wasn't an obligation, he loves my family because he wants to.  Not because he has to.  And that right there is one of the best dad figures ever!!!!!  He picked me, chose to do life along side my family.  He knows who he is, and I thank him with all my heart.  Love you {G} Happy Father's Day!!!

And he always points me to look up!!!

So while father's day is bittersweet, it's a lot more sweet these days than bitter!  All we have to do is be willing to drink from the cup our Papa is offering us.  Not deciding how it will taste, before we give it a try.

So I encourage you to look up, seek out, and get to know the one Father who loves you above anyone on this earth can possibly do.  Remember he numbered the hairs on your head, your earthy parents maybe counted your fingers and toes.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows

is God in his holy habitation.

God settles the solitary in a home;

he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,

but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Silent or not so silent prayers

A week or so ago someone on one of my baby loss boards posted about how upset she was that God allowed people to have babies who clearly only care about themselves, or abuse and neglect them.  Or maybe even kill them.  But take children from parents who yearn for nothing more than to be a mom or dad.

And it put me back into the place where I stood 5 years ago, so angry at God.  Hurt beyond belief that we tried for a baby to end in miscarriage early in 2007.  Then got pregnant again only this time, we got past the 12 week safe mark.  Then past 20 weeks, we had it all so it seemed.  In a naive blissful reality we thought we were bringing home our baby boy in a few short months.  Then the unthinkable happened.

Our son died in utero at 34.5 weeks.  His little heart stopped, he was gone.  And this wasn't suppose to be this way.  He had a healthy text book pregnancy, we wanted Ethan, we tried for him, and darn it we were good parents.  Way better than others.

And I was angry so very angry God let my sister have a baby and took mine.  Who cares if I already had two healthy boys, that's not all I was asking for.  I was a good mom so I expected to bring another baby home.  And my sister struggled to be a mom, having issues with alcohol.  And she got her son.... What sense did that make?  And then all of a sudden your eyes are ears are peeled to hear horror stories so much more than before of babies being thrown into trashcans, killed by their parents, dropped off at a hospital and left alone.

Those things have always been around.... But now that my baby has been taken from me, I see and hear it so much louder and it's a stab in the heart every single time.  I remember laying in bed, just telling God how jacked up he was that he would allow children to suffer this horrible beginning and he had the chance to take those babies from a life of pain, and yet he took mine who would have been loved.  It was all ass backwards (excuse the language) but it was.  I couldn't wrap my head around any of it.

If I could change the world and have it my way I would have taken the life of one who would of suffered.  And given life to the one who was loved.

Well recently, God has placed it on my heart to share the story of the one who wasn't loved, suffered and should of died.

God can do good things with ordinary people but he can do extraordinary things with extraordinary people.  Those who have suffered greatly.

If God did just what we ask and beg him to do.  Then I would have been one of those babies who should have faced death and spared pain.  I know if we all take a look we have crossed paths with someone who from infancy or conception have suffered greatly at the hands of parents.

I never understood growing up why God allowed such painful things to be weaved into my life, and still to this day I am going through painful things.  he never promised us a life of fun, joy with no pain.  Instead he has offered us JOY among the pain.

I was abandoned by my father from infancy, my mom was a young 18 year old not sure about life, the dad figure I did finally get died when I was 4, the next dad figure I got molested me from the age of 10-14, I was rapped at 20, I was told by my mother she wished she would of had an abortion with me when I was 16, she was a good mom in the fact she never left us, but she was emotionally unavailable and we suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of people who every child trusts.  Then I lost 5 little babies to miscarriage, and one little boy who I was able to hold in my arms.

I felt robbed like I got more than my fair share, God kept picking on me.  He really hated me.  That's what my heart thought about God.

And sometimes I even wished death upon myself growing up, it seemed easier than facing the life God planned out for me.  And a few times I tried to take my own life.

I am no Saint, ask those around me.  I am one heck of a messy person.  Lately I've done my fair share of hurting people.  Not because that was my intention but because I am broken and I have been hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.  Especially those who they love.  And when you've been a hurt person I think when trying to figure out who really loves you, you hurt people to see if they will really stay.  And to test their love for you.  It's jacked up!

But among the hurt I've caused.  God is using me.  He uses all those whom love him and are willing vessels to be used.

If God took babies like Angela who he knew would suffer from the start.  He would be taking people who could make a difference in the world.  Who could bring others who have been hurt and shammed to the foot of the cross.

That's what happened to me two years ago.  I didn't know how to approach the foot of the cross, until a special woman who had been through hell helped bring me there.  Had she not been through the hell of losing her own son, she wouldn't be who she is today.  Still messy and broken and having sin, but God has used her in amazing ways.

In my opinion the people who God uses need to have had to suffer, because then and only then do we start over with a foundation that consists of HIM.  Mighty things can only be done through those like myself, a baby who was hurt, abused, neglected at the hands of someone who was entrusted with life.

If God took babies like me, there would be no Angela.  No one to give the love I give to other broken people.  I love hard and well, and deep.  I give a love to people that they have never known before I was put into their path.  There wouldn't be people who are a voice for children who suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  There wouldn't be people who could foster children who need a home, there wouldn't be amazing women getting fresh water to countries where children die all the time because of a lack of water and food.

There wouldn't be photographers who could take pictures of babies passing away, who have already died.  The world would be so much less compassionate and empathetic.  IF we had it all then we would never want to leave.  We cling to God when we are going through hell, not when life is grand and he answers all our prayers.

He doesn't allow our children to die to hurt us but rather to bring beauty out of the broken ness of the world.
We have to be willing to open our hands and let him use us.  I have seen so much beauty in families who had to do the unthinkable and bury one of their children or their only child.

Luke 22:42
42 saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”


My arms will always ache to hold Ethan, to kiss him one last time.  My heart will always wonder what Ethan would be like today.  A photograph will always be missing a little boys smile.  Occasions will come and go that remind me this is not my home.  And milestones will always pass that I will not get to experience with Ethan.  But my heart is so filled with JOY.  All because God didn't answer my prayer 5 years ago when I begged him to take the life of another baby and not mine.

I am so thankful God has weaved his love into my pain, and reminds me all the time that this is not my home.  That Ethan was never mine to begin with, Ethan was his.  He was just gift borrowed to me.  And through my pain as a child, he will use me to do big things, no one else but a little girl like me was planned to do.

It won't make sense and it never will we aren't meant to understand his plans.  Just open our fists to what he cling to as ours and what we deserve and allow God to use us, when we allow it we do big things.  Life is messy and painful I know that, I am experiencing that right now.  I don't get it, but this time I am trying not to be angry and to ask him if he is willing to please take this pain from me, and if it's not in his will then to help me to accept his will for me and to help me do it well.

At the foot of the cross..

Lately I have either A. forced myself to be at the foot of the cross or B. Found myself on my knees at the foot of the cross.  That is where our father wants us.

It's been one heck of a ride the past few months.  Last week I had a procedure done to hopefully remove all the cancer this time.  And it didn't go as I planned, well the procedure did I guess but not the support.  Last minute I ended up going by myself.

At first I was pretty bummed to put it lightly, to go into something so big all by yourself.  It's scary, granted and so very thankful I believe in a God that is mighty and amazing.  But tangibly I was alone.  And really I think it was a huge punch in the stomach at first.  The moment in my life where I sat sobbing at the foot of the cross, for the very first time knowing so well the God I serve and for the first time realizing people will never be at your side all the time.  They are human made of sin filled flesh, so no one can possibly mean what they say.  And in the end it was a good thing I was all alone.  Good in a spiritual sense, not so good in a medical sense.

I don't think I was bummed that I didn't have someone to listen to me, to be sad with me, to worry about me.  I didn't have that in the first place and you cannot make people do those things for you.  I was bummed I was going to walk into a hospital all alone, they would ask me who was with me and I would have to say no one.  I cared far too much about what they would think of me.  A woman with no support system at that moment.  Would they think, what's wrong with this girl that one is here with her? IS she really messed up?  Stupid things flooded my brain.   As always I am far too concerned about what others think of me.

I got called back and got met by my amazing nurse Janet, who of course asked if I had anyone with me, when I told her no.  I saw the look of compassion in her eyes.  And she reassured me that they wouldn't be able to let me leave until I was ok to go home, she asked me if there was anything she could do for me, took my belongings and asked if there was anyone I wanted to update?  I just told her that if anyone called or texted in regards to the procedure she could keep them up to date otherwise not to worry about it.  I joked and told her not to give me my phone until I seemed normal again.

I had a pretty hard time waking up from the anesthesia but she stayed with me the whole time.  She tried to be comforting and yet, do her job.  I could tell she felt bad I had no one there.  Which was hard, because I think I got comfortable in thinking for the first time in my life, that I would never be alone again.  I never thought that way before then, and God I think wanted to remind me that I cannot rely on others.  Parents fail us, husbands fail, us, children fail us and friends fail us, friends that become family fail us.   It's sinful nature.  And I too am a sinner!  And I have no doubt I have failed someone, or many.

And she was so amazing, not the support I would have pictured that day, but just the support God knew I would need besides him.

In this past week God, has been so present with me.  I have learned what an unfailing love my God has for all of us but for me.  His love isn't earned, or based on my behavior, actions, and he doesn't with drawl his love from me when I hurt him.  I don't think I have ever been able to receive that so clearly as I have the past few nights.

 Just the other night I laid in bed thinking of all the pain I have caused someone, thinking about how I could maybe earn my trust back, prove I am worthy of their love and presence in my life.  And I was in tears, because I screwed up and I didn't know how on earth I could get things back to semi normal.  Could I do something specific, could I apologise more, differently, do something that would prove by my actions that I really was deeply sorry.  I just cried I begged God to please soften their heart, to help me learn how to be different, better, or if this wasn't what he wanted for my life to please reveal to me what he wants me to do.

I became a beggar in a different way.  Then I remember a sermon a few week back at church where the pastor talked about being that beggar, who could show another beggar where to get help.

Then God so powerfully filled my being and reminded me, I've done all I can do.  I am forgiven I don't need to keep beating myself up for what I've done.  Just as I have forgiven other's for their hurts, I have been forgiven.  And I may never be forgiven fully by the sinful flesh of this world.  But I need to quit seeking for more than I can be given by them.  Christ has forgiven me and I am so worthy of love, I am not a bad person.  I am a person with a loving heart like Christ, I know my heart came from him.  There is no way I could have gotten through the life I have of constant mistrust, hurt, abuse, emotional abuse.  And allow all these people grace and love when they sometimes didn't deserve it.

And I will keep loving in such a way, but I need to learn to protect my heart and not give my all to people.  I need to be a little more cautious and wise.  And know that if I get hurt then it's ok.  My papa will mend that hurt.

I think I am learning slowly that I cannot keep beating myself up for the things, hurts, broken hearts, behaviors I have done in the past.  I can say I am sorry, and really really mean it.  And I can prove it by my actions.  But I do not need to prove to the world I am worth loving.  This is going to sounds nuts.  But darn it I do deserved to be loved.  I am a good, hard working, Christ loving, people loving person.  And when I say I will do something I do my best to do it.  I will not keep trying to prove to anyone but Christ that I am worthy.  And I will only keep trying to prove to him I am worthy because I am so unworthy of his prefect love.  He has done nothing to me but everything for me, and everyday I hurt him.  Everyday I do something sinful I am sure.  I think those that really love me, will love me because I am messy, I am really messy sometimes but I am worth having in their lives and I am love able.  I don't think until tonight's teaching at shift I really believed I was love able.  I always thought yep, so and so is.....but me...nah!  I have to prove it.

I've always since I was little struggled with appearance, never felt like I was beautiful.  And honestly I still struggle with that.  But I always thought I was a little beautiful on the inside.  And I thought what I had on the inside, the love I had for people.  Made up for the lack of outer beauty.  Then lately I've begin to question even that. Tonight during a random prayer, I felt God's hand over my heart telling me not to question that.  I am beautiful on the inside, really beautiful to him.  I think refined and hard pressed through the trials, God can clearly see his image in me.  That's all he wants....

Thank you Jesus for filling me tonight for letting me see you, feel you and really let you show me through the fire lately

Tonight I was reminded if we get too comfortable with anything/anyone, we take it for granted.  And I think I did take it for granted and I think there have been times I've been taken for granted.  I will change that about myself.  I won't allow myself to get too comfortable with the flesh anymore.
I have taken the gifts God has given me and I have done great things with some of them, others I have been selfish and only shared with a few people.  I've been greedy and shashed all my gifts with a select few.  It's time I use those gifts and go meet those God has me planned on sharing them with.

I never thought as a little 10 year old girl, hiding under her covers from her dad, that I could use that to help someone.  I never thought with all the lies, of how ugly I was, how horrible my tears were, how no one else could love me if my own parents couldn't show it, how not having a dad made me so different and unworthy.

A year and a half ago I let some of that go, I took a huge risk of letting people in like I have never ever on any level done.  And it's been hard pressing, challenging and at times I questioned myself as to why I did it.  I knew I would get hurt.

And yes I got hurt, let down...... But oh the glory and grace that came with it.  The lessons and gifts God has shown me through those hardships.  No regrets here.  It was a risk and in the end a delightful one, no matter the length of the blessings I've received.

If I have hurt anyone.... By an action, a comment, a look, pushing you away.  I am sorry, really really sorry.  Nothing I can do or say will change that.  NOTHING... But do know I am a woman of my heart and I do not say things like this publicly if I don't mean it.  I wish I could change a few things, mend the heart I've hurt, get trust back I've lost, laughter that once was and now diminished back.  But I cannot change anyone else, and I won't try to anymore either.

I am going to live life differently.  As I was told tonight.  Take each day as it comes, not borrowing anymore time that was never promised.  I love deeply I say I love you everyday in case it's my last.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  And I don't want to regret what I did or didn't say.

And those frailties and cracks in our clay pot? They are not to be despised, for they now serve a purpose! They allow the life of God, our cherished treasure, to seep out for all those around us to see.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The dreaded C word..............

So it's really true I have cervical cancer and I've had treatment done that was unsuccessful..........

It's sinking in really sinking in.  Last week I thought it was sinking in and today it's so much more real.  Not just this word I can push to the back of my mind in a black box and not deal with.

There is so much to be done.  Insurance, hospital availability.  And there is this echoing snot in my stomach that keeps reminding me that once again I am different.  Once again God is allowing something big in my life. A challenge to remain faithful, secure to my anchor.

And yet I find myself teetering on discontent, fear, the unknown, loneliness, disappointment.  And yet his peace.

I just keep praying over and over for God to help me accept his will in this for me.  Whatever that may be.

Some day's if I am honest I wonder if this is some sort of punishment from God.  Did I do something not right in his eyes, not good enough?  So this is a way to test me more.  Or maybe God doesn't think I've shown my faith enough or he wants to put this other test in my way to see how I will handle it.  Can I give him glory from the beginning?

I am so thankful that God allowed me to have my 5 precious children and a baby for another family before he allowed this to be placed in my life.

I think my biggest weakness right now is knowing that God is all knowing and he knows the outcome.  I am a spoiled brat and want to know now.  I need or feel I need instant gratification in the outcome now not later.    SO I can plan my life and my kids lives.  So I can prepare them and myself.

I really am a brat.

However I am so proud of myself, I am so wrapped in prayer constantly now, all day long.  I am surrounding myself with healthy people.  Who truly want to get to know me.  Who like who I am as a person.  What to fight the enemy with me and make our Papa proud of all we are doing on this earth to bring people to him.

If this takes my life....I will be happy if one single person in turn sees our Papa the way I do, and becomes saved because of my faith.  That's all I want.

I rememeber last weekend at church when the pastor was reading scripture it talked about how richly we would be blessed for all we had to give up.  I now see what Christ so selflessly gave up his life for us.

Mental Battle Field

Today has been a day of learning, a day of trusting, of day of new beginnings.  A little of finding myself all over again and trying to discover what's important to me, and what I am not willing to settle for.  It's been a day filled with tears, heartache, growing pains.  A whole lot wrapped into less than 24 hours.

Trying to discover myself in Jesus what he says about me that's true and not believing the lies from the enemy or others.  It sure isn't a task anyone can just sit and do.  It's been very painful.  Not so much the iron sharpens iron kinda way that I thought it would.

It came down to defending myself against myself and against the enemy who knows at this very moment he stands a huge chance and getting my soul from God.

Maybe that's confusing for some, but let me see if I can explain it.  I know I am not the only one who's mind is a battle field.

Because of my life, I kept everything inside then the past year and a half, God really pushed me hard and I felt safe to allow it all out.  And healing came from it to an extent but more hurt also came.

Can I trust this person?  Is what they are saying true?  Am I loveable?  Why can't I be worthy?  Why do they say that?  What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?  I told you that you shouldn't trust anyone? Your own parents don't love you, how could anyone else? See you are too much, not enough!  YOu didn't do a good enough job! These are all the things that float around battling in my head.

I did life alone very alone for 30 years with the exception of my husband and children.  Whom I dearly love and adore, but it didn't fill me up the way I thought it would.  And it didn't because I was broken ok no I take that back I am still very broken and I won't be whole until my papa calls me home.  The past two years have been tumultuous for me.  Very big ups (laughter, joy, trying new things, trusting people ) and tons of roller coaster, screaming with your hands gripped tightly around the bars till your knuckles turn white down's.

I never trusted anyone after the age of ten.  With the abuse, physical and sexual growing up and a mom who was only physically around and always defended her abusive boyfriends.  I learned quickly you shut your mouth and just take it.  Here I am as a 31 year old adult and I still find myself in that pattern.

My husband and I just had this talk last night about my fear of opening up to people, him included.  It's not fair for those around me, and I am hurting myself more and more.  But the world's just not safe, people are not safe.  I know that and I've painfully learned that even to this day. I've gotten better about speaking up, but usually it will take me days of pondering what I want to say.  And is it going to be kind? and can I stand my ground?  Am I right in my feelings?  Can I be heard?  Is it worth it?....  Typically sadly I can't stand up for myself still in all situations.  I want to but I have this fear of being hurt more, at least I can control the ways I hurt myself by clamming up.  I am good at that, I know how that will feel and I know I can live with it.

But I am never sure I can live with rejection, shame, punishment in any form.

So tonight I am trying so hard to sit and defeat the lies that the enemy and the old tapes are playing against me.  I am reading his word, I have spent the entire day on my knees in a literal sense, crying tears streaming down my face and the hot stinging pain radiating from my eyes from crying so much.  To the point I am not sure I can cry a single tear more.  But somehow they just keep coming.

Trying to explain to my small children why mommy is a mess, and I am not sure "I'm just having a hard day" is working anymore.

Being a believer and follower of Christ is not for the faint of heart, and this is where I get half tempted to just give up, but I know it has to be God clinching my fist tighter to the rope of his hope and saving grace.  Back before I really trusted in God or believed a good loving father could possibly exist, I knew the battle in my head and it was one sided really.  I didn't have this other side fighting for my soul.  It was easier then, it wasn't a two sided battle.

Tonight giving up isn't so easy.  When the pain becomes to much and I want a crutch I can't just give in like I used to.  I remind myself of my kids and what I will pass onto them by making such choices.  But really I want the pain to end or at least to feel the pain differently or even be in control of the pain.

I am in a deep dark spiritual battle and how I know that is because this feels so much deeper and darker than I've ever known  It's been that way for the past week at least.  I feel a pull on myself I've never had.  Literately I feel like Satan is pulling on one arm and my daddy is pulling on the other.  But I've become to weak to even hold myself upright.

My surgery is tomorrow and for the first time in a year and a half,  I face something big with just God, no one else tangible.  So I am even weaker because having people in my life recently has been my crutch.  But I know I will get through the surgery, I've done life alone for so long I was used to it.  At least this time I can have my heavenly father with me.  I know I will walk this dark cold desolate road, because I see the light just past the cross.

However, I do wish it didn't feel this way.  I wish I could eat, sleep and quit crying.  I am sure those tears are healing tears however.  But dear Heavenly Father feel free at any time to make them stop.

I made a big step yesterday and made a lunch date with two of the care pastors at the church, that's beyond huge for me.  Time to get to know new people, learn new things, find new passions and new friends.  Push myself to my limits of discomfort.  Because on the edge of discomfort I began to find myself two years ago walking into a grief workshop.  I didn't think I would ever experience the Joy I have the past two years it was mearly something I dreamed about.  But God blessed me with a few people, new beginnings, risks and all it took was standing on the edge of discomfort and his faithfulness.

Who knows what God will bless me with in this.  But it's time I forge ahead and allow it to happen.  I don't have to trust the process and I don't have to let people know me on a deep level just the surface Angela.  I can learn to keep the deep stuff the hard stuff no one wants to hear about between me and my Papa.

This scripture is what I am clinging to today!

Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". 

And I really need to apply this one to myself I need to quit punishing myself, being unkind to myself and forgive myself.

Ephesians 4:31-32 You must put away every kind of bitterness,anger,wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another,just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

A little like Peter....

Ok I am a lot like Peter..... Wanting to trust God but sometimes I find myself drounding in doubt.

I am much like Peter in the fact I do a whole lot of jumping before I look, well I guess really that depends on the situation.  Sometimes I dip my toes in and then turn and run the other way.  Others I just go for it and jump.

Like in loving people.  Typically I love anyone and everyone with my whole heart.  Honestly maybe a little too much.  But then I look at Jesus and he seemed to love with his whole heart.  I really honestly think I have the heart of Christ.  And sometimes I wish I didn't I end up hurt more than I would if I was more careful.

That prior part has nothing to do with being a little or a lot like Peter.  But I do wish the way I loved people would change.  Just a little.  So that I myself am not putting myself out for rejection and hurt.

But back to having a faith and trust like Peter.  I feel like I am at the point in my life where Jesus is asking me to step out of the boat to trust him.  And..... I do, well my toes get a little wet with the water slightly covering my toes.  Then I jump the heck back in the boat.  But most of the time like lately I just jump in........ And then I freak out as if I didn't know how to swim.  Except it's pure panic of lacking trust.

Trust that I will be ok, that God will provide for my family.  That the things and people he takes out of my life.  He will replace with something or someone better.  He is the most loving father after all.  And the only father I have at all.  SO why wouldn't he?

Maybe he is but I am just scared to trust, scared of the unknown, or what it will feel like if he doesn't answer my prayers or plea's in my timing.  Or at all, because he has other plans.

I've never been sure anyone cares about me or has my best interest at heart.  But I can see over time that God has.  With all my crap he really has.

The molestation, he gave me compassion to help others not feel alone.  A heart to want to serve the lost and broken among abuse victims.  Understanding to them when they hate their bodies and no one else can understand the ugliness they see starring back at them, the betrayal their body played against them.

No father and a mother lost in her own broken-ness, honestly I am not sure on this one.  I thought I had this part figured out.  But have come to realize I feel teased in this area of my life.  Still no real family.  Still living with my very broken family of origin.  And unable to be loved the way I feel I need to be or would like to be.  I still feel un-lovable.  And that's heart wrenching.

Losing my third son, that was hitting rock bottom for me.  But he was there, and that's when I really found him.  That's when I felt him take my hand saying "my sweet daughter I am right here, I am so sorry I know what it's like to lose a son".  This is where I rebuilt my life.

Sometimes I just feel like I will never be good enough, and not sure what it is he wants from me.  I really HOPE to have trust that he created me exactly as he envisioned.  But among the cancer that's invaded my body, the lonely feelings and insecurities I have about being enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  I just don't know.  I want to so badly trust my papa in Heaven, but it's like when I get there something else gets ripped away from me.  Telling me I am not all those things.  I wouldn't be missed and no one here needs me.  I need to lean on him, and figure out how to not see other peoples love for me as a definition of his love.

I however know that's not true, my kids need me.  God blessed me with 5 beautiful incredible children.  And I want them to know without a doubt I will ALWAYS love them, I will never turn my back on them.  And if I screw up someday or I am not here with them.  That they have been taught all about this wonderful father in Heaven who loves them so much more than I humanly can.  I never have had someone love me that way, no one to tell me that no matter how screwed up I was, or what choices I make that they loved me.  No one who didn't walk out on me when life got hard.

They need to have a faith stronger than mine, I have to lead by example.  Even if I have a faith like Peter's.

  Regardless of the past 31 years of my life, the loss I've experienced.  I know in his timing something will come.  I have to have HOPE !!!

Silent Sufferings........

Let me see if I can even begin to explain this post.  5 days ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, 5 days ago I felt my heart be crushed with the simple word cancer.  5 days ago the enemy began an intense battle with my heart, my head and my soul.

I am not even sure if I have truly felt the magnitude of this.  Sure it isn't life ending I am I guess one of the lucky ones.  I know cervical cancer is cure able.  I know I will be ok, and even if not ok I know I serve a MIGHTY, LOVING, FAITHFUL God.  He has me in the palm of his hands.  But I am scared............. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18) really scared and I feel alone.  Thankfully feelings are misleading and I know I am not alone.  First and foremost I have my papa, he hears the echos of my soul, the deep pitted screams and moans of my soul.  When I can't get a word out he hears the words I desperately want to speak.

I am scared to fall to pieces and sometimes I let the enemy trick me into thinking this is the end, that I have to suffer silently.  And sometimes I do.  I already feel like a freak that I have this horrible thing.  

I suffer silently because I don't want to let others down, people who see me as a great disciple of God.  When I feel bad I was even angry at him for this diagnosis.  I should of never been angry I feel guilty for that.

And I know he is plenty able and strong enough to feel my anger, I know he forgives me.  But sometimes I feel confused as to what his plan is for me, as to what good he will bring of this even knowing it didn't come from him.  And I don't want to disappoint him which I feel I already accomplished when I got angry.

I didn't handle it the way I wish I would of, like a blessed servant of his.  Sad maybe but ready to take on the challenge he put before me.  I am sure he was asking, "ok daughter, how much do you really trust me?".

I failed MISERABLY 

I know I will be ok, more than ok.  I know that I will conquer this nasty disease.  No matter if that's in the form of the cancer was cured, or if I die fighting it, but give him the glory.  But is that really possible when I didn't give him glory from the beginning?  Instead I was mad and felt the whole, "ok God, why me?  what have I done wrong now?"

Why do we as humans go there?  Why me?  Well why not me?  what makes me deserving of a care free life?

I think we think as followers we should get the easy road, but he said quite opposite of that and maybe I am being tested.  Now it's ridding the enemy of my mind.  He has sure been battling my mind hard.  In fact tonight, I almost caved and said this is far too much..... I give in....

Really I was so close, instead I reached out and pleaded to two separate people to help me.  I knew it was a battle of the mind, that's where Satan gets the best of me. 

I am not good enough
I am not love able
I am too much to handle, too overwhelming, too needy 
I am different (yup the cancer played my mind right into that.... I hate my body more than I already did, I am disgusting because of this horrible disease, as if I already didn't feel different enough)
You didn't try hard enough.... In fact you failed.....
No one wants you around... They would be better off without you....You wouldn't even been missed... your smothering.
You can't even do that right...(fill in the blank, I'm sure I've felt it)
God doesn't love you enough, you have to prove to him that your deserving of better and apparently your not.



All LIES I know they are lies from the pit of hell, logically I know that.... But sometimes like tonight I cannot make my heart believe they are lies.  

I feel like a disappointment because I am even writing this... People will be shocked to know the crap that fills my head and sometimes the crap I allow myself to believe.   

I need to learn how to get outside my head, scripture is amazing but you have to believe the scripture to conquer the lies..You have to know your value to God, to accept his love.

I guess I have a hard time separating if I can't do right by the world's standards, if no one on this earth could really love me.  Then how on earth could God?  Thank you for my salvation Jesus that despite all of this CRAP I know because I trust and believe you in and accepted you as my savior.  I will be saved.

But I don't want to just be saved I want to make my papa proud, I want other people's lives to be saved because of my faith in Christ, and the path I've walked no matter how crooked I walked it.  Tonight I am not sure I am doing that well..

Oh how my soul aches to believe this scripture...

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~

Jeremiah 29:11

More than my soul aching to believe this scripture I long so much for the day to meet my papa, for once in my lifetime to be held by my daddy.  And really be held like I've long to be held all my life.  To thank him for all the grace he has given me, for his love and forgiveness.

Dear Lord, You are awesome, glorious, beautiful and worthy of all praise. I thank You for Your perfect love that casts out fears, for Your grace that covers our broken places and for Your peace that defies the chaos we all go through - all of which come to us through our risen Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I pray that you will bless the one who reads this prayer. Draw him or her tightly to Your will. Remind her that you are a God who sees, hears, knows and loves her... no matter what. Thank You for being a God of second chances... One who is willing to forgive our most wretched messes. Thank You for being a God who heals... one who binds up heart wounds and sets captives free. Thank You for allowing us to go through trials so that we can grow in perseverance and hope and faith. Please draw each of us to a quiet place with you. Restore our strength. Renew our minds. Convict our hearts of sin. Purify us in Christ. Embolden us to proclaim Your goodness and faithfulness in conversations. Empower us to walk in Your Spirit so that those in our families and our work places and our neighborhoods would see Your love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control in us. Help us to walk worthy of the call we have in Christ. To be holy as You are holy. Mostly, Lord, be glorified in and through us. Use our circumstances, our victories, our words, our responses and our challenges to shine Your hope to a world that is in desperate need for hope. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, amen.