Shouting at God!

This has been a rough week, a first in my new normal... And yet I found myself clinging to Hope and then as a friend pointed out this week I also did a lot of toddler temper tantrum..... and stomping at God with a big fat "NOT FAIR".

It didn't get me anywhere, I allowed myself to sit in self pity and sorrow.  But I also know if I don't allow myself to sit there momentarily then I will prolong the process of grief over the loss of my marriage.  But I don't want to stay there.  That's what the enemy would like us to do.

Things just don't seem to be going as I thought I had them planned.  I am still dealing with the heartache of my husband walking away, clearly showing he had no interest in trying.  And I am still wrestling with the gaping hole of not even really understanding what went wrong.  I find myself stuck there a lot too.  How do you fix something when your really not sure why it wasn't working in the first place?  Sure we had our struggles like any marriage and it was hard.   Oh man is marriage hard.  But really divorce????.  I cut that word out of my vocabulary over 6 months ago.  I learned a dirty little trait from my broken family and that was to run.  So hell bent on staying,  I made sure I took divorce out of it.  But I did indeed think we needed to be apart for awhile to figure each of us out and then figure us out as a couple.  I just didn't see that big D word until I was smacked in the face with it.

I've found myself helpless this week with a close friend, wanting to make things better.... But really knowing it's not mine to fix.  So in that process trying to figure out so carefully how to love her well.  How to show her the beauty God really has and will bring out of this storm.  When sometimes I really have to fake it until I see it too..... Because my flesh wants to keep me there in wanting proof.  I have been blessed that I know I can look back and see proof of the past redemption he has already done.  And in my flesh my heart hurts for her.  My body feels it, in the way my heart feels squeezed, the shortening of my breath, the hot stinging tears building in my eyes and running down my face.  I want to make it better so why won't he????!!! Stomping my feet again like a immature child.  Pounding my fists, I want him to make it better now to stop the pain.  Her pain and my pain.  I want answers .  But I clearly have to remind myself he isn't done with her or me yet... And there is no way in heck he would bring either of us this far, to just leave us there.

Growing is so painful.... We've all been there and each of us has to grow through the pain and with the pain.  No one can do it for us.  Otherwise we as parents would take on all our kids immunizations, and broken bones, breakups and tragic situations like lung transplants, or even the death of a child.  But we can't.... How we grow as individuals is because of this "stuff".  It molds us all into amazing women, men, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, children, husbands and wives.  Without the "stuff" we would have no proof of God's amazing love and grace.  There would never have been a need for Jesus.

Sometimes though when the waves are really strong and I feel my lifeless body crash against the edges of the boat I don't feel him as much (and I am not feeling him because I think I am scared to feel him, like he is so mad at me or sad with my choices I am scared of what he may be thinking and how that touch could hurt), but he is clearly there.  I just haven't forgiven myself for falling short of what I think he wants of me or how I feel I am suppose to measure up.  I forget far too often that my sin has already been covered with the blood of Christ... It died on the cross with Jesus, and I rose anew with Christ.
Sometimes I think I hate myself so much I want him to abandon me so I don't have to fear the failure of the sin I am sinking in.  And other times I am not even sure what I have done, what sin I've let stain my life.

This week through a bible study I am partaking in we are working in Romans 12, and a few things caught my eye.
Romans 12 talks about offering our bodies to Christ and not conforming to the world but renewing our minds saying then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is.....His good , pleasing and perfect will.

In the mist of troubles and the storm.  When we are weary, and drenched with sin and our flesh we can't always see that.  But really verse 2 talking about renewing our minds, is so spot on.  If we accept the storms knowing his will is always best, nothing has slipped through his hands without his knowledge and if he didn't think it would benefit us or bring Glory to him he never would have allowed it to happen in the first place.  Our minds can be our worst enemy... Okay I will speak for myself.  My mind is absolutely my worst enemy and the enemy we have knows I struggle with the lies, with doubt with my sinful dirty rags of flesh.

I have to be constant in taking captive of my mind and the thoughts, if I don't.... No matter how big my savior is I will sink.  I am my own worst enemy and my thoughts which are not true and correct in following what Christ says about me allow me to sink.  I self sabotage.... Where if I renew my mind, take captive my thoughts that I know if I step back I would see untruth and renew them to only be what he says about me, what the truth he has spoken..then I see what perfect will HE has for me, for you... For us.

Verse 12 talks about love in action... It says "be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer"
When I step back and think about being joyful in Hope, I think about how I am so run down with my circumstances... My lack of sleep, my sadness about being alone, my worth being my divorce and lack of family.  I am not being joyful in Hope I am clinging purely to my present circumstances.  Where if I sit and think about the Hope that will come of this.  That my lack of sleep has brought me closer to the Lord and opening a bible, even if I did it to help a friend in the beginning.  I couldn't help but soak in God's truth, his plan for her but really it was for me too! My sadness about being alone has given no excuse not to search for Christ more and lean on him solely right now.  My worth being found in family and a husband has forced me to look at what I do have, those who I am so grateful for that still stand by my side, those who are cheering me on.  And not just cheering me on but finding the Hope for the woman God created me to be come forth.
It's hard to be patient in affliction when we feel so weighed down, restless, anxious and honestly a little crazy in my head.  Sleep has left my house, I feel a little nuts and foggy headed.  Patience is the last thing I want to find.  Because I am so inpatient with myself even... And inpatient with God.  He is not making this better and it doesn't feel like he cares.  I feel tortured some days and like he is just allowing it to happen which provokes anger.

Then I step back.... And remember Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight"
And go ok, as the rear view mirror clearly shows I didn't get losing my son, being molested, abused..... But through all of that I was redeemed.  I was willing to allow him to use it, in HIS timing not mine.  And beauty was brought from it.  So is I am patient in this affliction then I will come out the other side, fighting it only makes it worse on my heart and soul.  That doesn't mean I sit back and say "ok God torture me if you must", but when these times come I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you ", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not hard you, plans to give you hope and a future".

I also need to be faithful in prayer.... It's the deepest connections to my heavenly father I will ever have, even if I have things on my mind that may not be so loving.  I need to speak them.  It shows my trust in him to handle it, my love for him in confessing those things.  Even if it's anger.  Keeping things from anyone only really hurt you in the long run.  It would be like not telling your spouse something they did that bothered you, or a friend who said something that really hurt your feelings.  Sure you can keep it in... See how that helps.  I've learned the hard way, it almost always hurts you more than it hurts them.  God's big enough he can take it.... And really I'm only fooling myself if I don't speak them to him.  Because guess what?  He's all knowing so if I don't speak them.  It's like a child lying to a parent so they don't get into trouble, or to avoid hurting their feelings.  He already knows.....  You can't hide it forever.  If you don't lay it all down with him in the end, you suffer because you allowed your feelings, current circumstances keep you from being open with him, so that he can begin to show you what he already planned in the first place, it's where we get so anxious thinking we already know what's best for ourselves, and our timing is best.

Where really how often does our planning work out ?  For me it didn't here I am awaiting court for a divorce.  All my planning, hard work and half ass work didn't pay off.

So I challenge you and myself... Dig deep.... Push hard.... Love hard.... and trust the rocking of the boat, the ones that make your stomach turn and you get blue in the face cramming yourself to the tightest part of the ship to throw up......... because holding it in won't benefit you..... the ones where the waters come over the edge and you think your going to sink.  We have a mighty Savior who walks on water.  He has this..... If he rose for the dead like he promised then we can certainly trust his perfect will for us.

Those moments that leave you breathless.......

I am so very thankful for a God who breathes the breath of life into my soul when I feel like I can't take a single breath more......

I've had a few rough patches the past two years.  Three specific events that have left me sad, and broken and even a little breathless.  Or at least that's the way I've felt.

This last moment or event.... Knocked me on my butt, grabbing my chest and crying deep screams into the pit of my very being.  I think somewhere deep inside I thought this moment would be coming.... You know the kind of sensations that tell you something is going to happen and something is wrong?  Some call it gut feeling.  But I did what I have learned to do so well.  Ignore it, push it down and pray I am wrong.  Then a month ago, it all fell apart.

My marriage that is... My husband said the dreaded words he told me 18 months ago.  And 12 years to the month we moved into together and became a serious item.  Divorce.  It's an ugly word.  It means someone gave up, didn't want to try.  And something in me wanted to beg him to change his mind.  Not even beg but almost look like a fool and desperate.  And really I am desperate for him.  I can't imagine my life without him, I can't picture moving on, even just to learn how to be me.  Independent and courageous.  I can't picture our family without him.  I am self fish I want that dream, the one I dreamt so long ago.

Not the white picket fence, beautiful kids (even though I do believe God gifted me the most beautiful children), lots of money to never have to worry.  That wasn't my dream.  I just had this dream of being successful at having a family who stayed together, being really loved by my spouse, enjoying and laughing. Creating memories that my children would cherish.  Not having kids from a broken home and a blended family.  He was in my vision plan 20 years from now.... We were laughing and talking on our patio in my vision.

And now I must recreate a vision to be missing a piece I don't know how to live without.  I know and I am so very thankful for a God with a vision far exceeding what I think I need and want.  He already knows what is awaiting me and my kids.

It's in these breathless moments my flesh is stronger than ever..... Questioning why me???? How could be divorce be a good plan?  How is having my kids from a broken home good?  Where is the goodness in all of this?  Wouldn't my marriage being restored be good, that surely would bring such great glory to God....

My flesh is filled with pride because I don't want to have to admit I cannot provide for my kids, I have to tell them no a lot now.  It's only been a month and I've had to say no and remind them of the heartbreaking reality that mommy has no money.  My pride is so strong willed right now because I am at the full mercy of my ex husband to provide for my kids, to take care of me.  Before I met him I provided for myself from the age of 14 on I had a job.  I knew how to be responsible.  And being a stay at home mom for so long and having 3 small kids still out of school, has left me dependent on him still.   And I'm weak in his eyes.
Pride that this Christmas I will have to learn to put away somehow just so my kids can experience even a small Christmas.  Trying to find programs that will help me is so humbling on one hand and yet so humiliating on the other.  This is not a place I ever thought I would find myself in.

My flesh won't let me see myself the way God sees me.  I try and fight my flesh often and know that I am precious and God sees something I cannot compherend.  But I feel so broken right now.  More broken than I can put into words, which is why I decided to come here to write.  I know I cannot be the only one.  I cannot be the only one fighting for a marriage to be restored when the other party is clearly done and has no will or even love anymore.

My flesh has envy right now, I want what others have.  A husband to help them feel secure and treasured.  And I am beginning to think that was never Gods plan for me.  But my flesh makes me fall hard wanting it.  I want to be treasured by someone and feel special..... irreplaceable.

The next big moment will be this weekend when he will take the kids for the first time for a whole weekend.  Where my little ones will stay the night somewhere other than home.  And yes, I know I've been told how good this will be for them.  On one hand I am grateful that they will get to learn how to sleep somewhere other than home.  They are used to other people being here with them, but never sleeping somewhere than the comfort of their beds.  I've been praying to God to please make this seem like a fun thing for them, not something of torture.
But my heart still hurts for them.  Listening to the older ones talk about how sad they are, the younger ones don't seem to care or even get it yet.

But splitting holidays and not having my kids will be so hard.  Thanksgiving this year will be alone..... I mean completely alone.  No family around and my kiddos with their dad.  Christmas won't be too bad I have them this year he has them for Christmas Eve..I am so thankful for that.  Since he is an unbeliever I am grateful this year I can celebrate the true meaning as always with them, keep the normal traditions the same for one more year.

So many new firsts are coming... So much hurt... So many moments I know I will find myself at the foot of the cross again needing my savior, my healer and my redeemer more than ever.  I am trying so hard to push some of this down.  Knowing feelings are deceiving and this isn't permanent I just have to look beyond the cross.

I just want to not feel so broken tonight.... I want sleep that has been keeping a far distance because soon I will need to be put into a nut house if I don't sleep.  The nights seem so much longer than ever before.  I find myself praying the serenity prayer over and over, and my life verses.  I find comfort usually in these simple things.  And I am looking to Christ to be my husband while I don't have one, but it's lonely.  Sometimes you really do learn the hard way you took things for granted.  I always thought the strong smell of his body wash in the mornings would wake me up, that he tossing and turning in the bed would always keep me awake to a point of annoyance.  And then one day it's gone.... And I don't want to be lonely my flesh wants him back so badly.

I hate the flesh of this world, and I can't wait till everything I know is true about God and the promises he has made come true.  I have to learn to be patient and not conform with the rest of the world.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And 

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]