The beginning of an end...

Alright I asked everyone to give me some subjects to write about.  I love writing, and feel in the zone when sitting with a pen and a journal, or in front of the computer.  Where I can just let go and the thoughts just seem to pour out.  A good friend has been nagging me for so long to write a book, and I guess as I entertain that idea I know I have a huge book about life in front of me, but yet its so big I didn't know how to break it down.
So here goes nothing.

Tonight I will write about life after the devastation of divorce, the struggles, joys and deciding to move on rather than staying stuck.

Two and a half years ago my now ex husband asked for a divorce, I remember the pain so vividly... I remember being in a place of desperation of agony and a dry desert of sorts... I remember the tears that trickled so painfully as I couldn't manage to stop them.  I thought life as I knew it was over.  And then I came to a place of trying to save something so lost.... And I tried for so long however, marriage will never work when both parties aren't equally invested in stopping the train from wrecking, it becomes one person laying on the tracks while the other tries to save him/her.  But I fought hard, and sometimes honestly not as hard as I probably should or could of.

At a point I decided the battle was over, but I still keep putting one foot in front of the other praying to my savior to save this marriage.  I decided the battle was no longer mine to fight so I got out of the way.  And that's when I believe now that the true fighting went on.

Then out of no where one day I came across divorce papers, I was blindsided.  I felt like the very foundation we had created for 12 years, was exploded into tiny rubble like pieces and I stood at ground zero, with the dust of my life brushing across my face and falling at my feet.  Other than the day I lost my son I had never felt such complete loss and utter confusion.  Dreams really did go up in smoke!

Life as I knew it was over, here I stood in ground zero as a single mom of 5 kids on earth, no job, no family to help pick up the pieces.  And I will say as horrible as it all was looking back now, I had a peace from God about it all.  I was devastated and sad.... That's normal and I think something would be wrong with me if I didn't feel that.  But I also know deep down, God had fought the battle.

My ex husband isn't a horrible guy, he just wasn't the right man for me.  He got in the way of me keeping Jesus in my target, and I think somehow maybe I got in his way of bumping into Jesus.  I don't know if he has found him and accepted him, and if he ever will but I truly believe God knew what was best for everyone involved.

As much as I loved that man, and tried the best as I could in human flesh, I wasn't good for him either.  We loved what was so uncomfortably comfortable.  I now see that we didn't have what we needed or should have.  I'll explain this more later.

In the months that followed I lived life on the roller coaster of divorced death, that's not a real term but go with it!  I lived the deep dark, clinching my jaw so tight, knuckles turning white...screaming until no one could hear me downs.  And then the breath of fresh relief as I came up.... and the downs weren't so bad steady straightaways.  The highs came much later, I don't think I got the highs until probably about 6 months later.  And only then because I was able to see the scales fall off.

The moments where I was blessed by glimpses of hope, of what was but I refused to see.  Moments of clarity that our so called uncomfortably comfortable relationship was so toxic and unhealthy.  We kept bound to each other out of fear of the unknown and for me living out my vows of for better or worse.
But I wasn't quick to feel the highs so much even then, because the nights became lonely, and the days more mundane than ever!  And the tightness of doing mommy hood all alone, some days to much to burden.  I knew it was inevitable it wouldn't stay so calm, another wave of grief would quickly pull me under.
Whether it was a missed child support payment, a daycare job lost, another school issue with my older boys.  And some days those school issues were enough to make me raise the white flag and say " I am out!!!", "God I didn't ask for any of this, I tried I stayed still... why me?".   Days of "God why would you allow this?"

And slowly over the next few months of calmness in my heart, I heard him, I know deep down in the stillness he spoke to me, it may sound crazy and I am ok with sounding crazy.  But God reveled it to me, in the Jesus with skin on people in my life, in the day to day conquering that was happening in my home.  In the moments when I seriously thought I was drowning, he lifted my chin up.  I was able to take a few more breaths to keep my head above water.  And then I realized none of this had anything to do with me.

God may save some people, allow other to die.  Save some peoples children and not others.  Make some men change their minds and love their wives deeper, more Godly and it all works out amazing.  But he didn't do that with mine.  And I no longer began to question the why.... But rather the now what?
What am I capable of, what can I change? where can I go from here?  what can I do about this rubble and dust? what can I choose today? what can I teach my kids from this? where can Glory be given to God?

And then my life changed..... The darkness of the night no longer engulfed me.  I find a joy in a big king size bed all to myself, a remote I could change and watch what I wanted, a few days a month to myself to be selfish with, a joy in working on me and not trying to work on someone else, a joy in going to church as often as I wanted without guilt, a joy in being me who I was created to be with no limitations, justifications or explanations.  But uniquely me.

Then I found joy! Not all the time, people who know me well know that sometimes it was still really hard.  Some days not so bad but a pinch of complication.

I would say the hardest part about the death of my marriage was being a single mom and the whole world truly lays on my shoulders, even financially.  Sure he had child support but if he didn't pay one month, it didn't fall on him it fell on me to keep a roof over my kids heads and food in their mouths.  I had to suck up pride a few times and admit I couldn't do it in the beginning.  It sucked and it humbled me. Many times I told God, "I can't do this today, and why did you entrust me with so much, I'm screwing it all up.... I'm screwing them up!"

And then something magical happened.... The sun rose from the darkness and a new day began.  I was just kidding on that magical part.  But I think we think we have to have it all together all the time, and do it all right.  And the funny thing is each day this always happens, we get another chance.

At some point earlier this year the loneliness subsided, which I knew would be my next struggle.  I was used to having a mad beside me, to agree and disagree with, someone to tell me what to do when I didn't have a clue or didn't want to make a choice.  I was used to being able to put my arm around him, and have someone to share the burden of life with and the joys of life alongside.  So for the first time since I was a teen I was on my own.
It was really hard at first, the nights always proved to be that tug of your not worthy, you'll always be alone.  And I didn't embrace it at first, I wanted to run from it.  I was unfamiliar with solitude.  And then day by day I really began to enjoy it.  And being in a relationship began to scare me more than being alone.
I was afraid of liking my new life of my own and wasn't sure I'd want to selfishly give that freedom up.  And then the thought of all the "stuff" and responsibilities that come along with liking and loving someone else terrified me.
Not because I wasn't capable of that, because in all honesty I love so deeply and I care more than I probably should.  I am a caretaker by nature, a fixer.
But I needed to take this time to fix me or really allow Jesus to mend me, and show me just how beautifully he created me.

For the first time in my entire life I began to love me, and I mean really love me.  Now that's not to say I've become this "Oh I am the best thing on this planet, and God's gift to the world, I love each and every inch of myself"!  Oh heck no....... I know I struggle with body image still, but I know where there may be flaws Christ is working, and there is something beautiful I just need to take the tainted scales off my eyes a little more.  I am comfortable most days in my own skin.  I see that while I may not love every inch of my physical body I do deeply love other things about this woman God created.
I love my heart, my passion to be Jesus with skin on in peoples lives in a way I have never seen another person created, I love my compassion and empathy.  I love that I can be an open, authentic, transparent book with all of you.  Because my pain and my story does nothing for me.... But it does everything for Jesus!  And for some of you.

And some point I began to flirt with the idea of finding a companion, someone or some people to do life alongside.  And it was so hard to be so vulnerable to possible hurt and pain, and getting outside myself.  To learn new things about myself and be open to possibilities.  To aim for something better this time and not live out the generational curse of loneliness.
I joined a few singles groups, I chatted with people some men or creepers really lol.  I went to a few things, I created an online profile at Christian Mingle.  And I did all of this without praying about it.  Then one night that part about doing all this without Gods will or praying about it hit me...... And it hit hard.  Over the next few weeks I began to pray, a few days prior to praying I remember sitting at a friends and telling her that I was ready to start praying to God about finding me a companion.  As I prayed over the next few weeks I found myself in a different place once again, my heart was awakened and renewed.
The scared part of me that wasn't sure I could do life alongside a man, friend etc... Slowly left, and the complete paralyzing fear of finding someone who would love my kids all 5 of them seemed so insignificant

And then one day I took a brave move and smiled at someone on Christian Mingle, and we talked, and talked and talked some more.  It seemed so effortless and joyful.  I truly believe this happened because I made a choice to pray and trust God with whatever he decided was best for me.
Whether that was more time alone to be selfish or time to connect and become friends with a man.

I'm on a road that seems impossible, crazy and not at all what I would have thought God wanted for me.  I feel like a young girl, except I have a more mature heart and things aren't as care free as a young girl.  Over the past month, I've had to open up to this man and be authentic and real.  Raw and honest.  Some days its still overwhelming to me.  Not in a bad way but because this isn't what I once again planned for my life, I thought I was in control and God once again showed me it's not about me.  He is allowing this amazing man in my life for this moment.

I'm trying not to hold onto what that means in the future.  I am living in this honoring myself with my feelings and who I am.  I am living on the edge of self acceptance and bravery.  Taking each breath as it comes, each moment as it lands here.  Each hug, kiss, lovely thought as it passes through.  Because I have no idea what God has in store and I am done trying to think I have it figured out.
For this moment this man, is showing me what real love is.   Not because he loves me but because I love him and can't expect anything in return.  Because he likes some of the things I find unworthy about myself.  He is so good with my kids.  For now he is a Godly amazing example to my boys for what it is to be a man of God and integrity and he shows my daughter what its like to be held, honored and cherished by a Godly man.  The part that I said I would explain later is right here.  This man is helping me show my children what a good relationship looks like.  My kids hardly ever saw my ex husband and I kiss.  Both of us at fault, but now even though they think its nasty and gross making comments as they run off,  I also see that smile on their faces and twinkle in their eyes when we kiss.  I think because they see their mom deeply and genuinely happy.
He has made me throw out my list of rules, because he breaks every single one.  I thought when my ex husband left me that this time I had Jesus on my side so I had it all figured out.  Gods sense of humor seriously cracks me up.  Because my list..... Didn't have this man on it.  And yet here he stands, and here I pray God allows this to be!

I'm choosing now just like I did last weekend as I stood in line for the roller coaster, which by the way I HATE roller coasters.  To take a risk in the dreams of something better.  Even if that means I clinch in fingers so tightly they turn white, and that I am left with bruises from the highs and lows, as I take each and every turn trusting God along the way.  That no matter what happens at each hill, and sharp crashing corner, all bad things come to and end, and even the good things.  But this isn't my home, someday no matter what happened it will all be gone.  So I am choosing to trust and enjoy!

waves

It's been a tough two years, tumultuous at that!

I say it often, but I guess in my ignorance I thought following Christ would be so much easier!  And I am coming to learn that really, it's so far from that.  Not because Christ isn't good and loving but because of the fallen world we live in.  And because of the enemy that's fighting everyday to drag me away from Christ.

I've spent the last two years trying to fight for my husbands soul.  And I can only pray that although he wanted a divorce and left that he will still come to know God.

I spend many days in anger at him (my soon to be ex-husband), even tonight I sat crying to God that I didn't ask for any of this.  I am exhausted......I need rest from the battle.  That I just don't understand why all this is happening.

And I am angry that my ex doesn't see how much of his life he has truly blown up.  My heart is breaking for him.  But my heart is also, so very broken for my kids and for me.

Dreams that were crushed, for a battle I fought for so long that I lost.

For many unanswered prayers.

It's been a six month long battle 

of emotions

broken dreams

fears

sanity

struggling for peace

And in waves I get peace, and little or big tides of the enemy seem to try to pull me under, and so far I've kept a hold of my lifeguard.  I know he walks on water. 

But some days in my human sinful flesh I just don't want to do this any longer. Not that I can't....

I know I can, I know God will get me through, HE always has.  

But I am exhausted to the point all I've been able to pray for myself is "Jesus I need you"!!!

That's it!!

And I know he hears all that follows that I am unable to speak.

And for that I am so thankful, I am no longer even sure of what I need.  I feel so stripped of everything in this world.  HE is all I have.

I feel like I just can't be a mom, I can't keep it together anymore.

Now my ex husband has quit his job, the job that provided little child support and some alimony.

And my resources are thin, I only have so many options.  Working full time would kill me in childcare, I am already working from home, doing childcare.  But I can't take on more kids, I don't have the room in my car. 

And the battle with my ex, has become something I cannot even put into words.  I just know when he texts or calls: my stomach litterly turns and I feel sick.

It doesn't seem to matter how Christ like my words are, or how often I avoid even talking because it won't go well. 

Knowing every time I stand up for myself, it pisses him off and we end up worse off than before. 

I've never felt so thick in the enemy's presence as I do when I have to deal with him.

I trust God so much! Even when it's been scary and every single time HE has provided for me.  And with all my might I am still clinging onto him.  

I just want this battle to end, and I know it won't until Christ comes, but I need to be refreshed in some way, soon! I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. 

I want to enjoy life to the fullest

I want to smile more

laugh deep belly laughs more

wake up excited about the day

Not doing this stuff......

I want to know there is so much more life beyond the walls in this house.

There are days where I am doing great and I have all the above, and its fairly frequent really.  All because I am choosing Joy and everything else. 

The stress of this divorce and single parenting is awful, and it's something I would shout from the roof tops warning everyone to come live one day with me, before ever raising the white flag on marriage.

The stress of my divorce is giving me bad ache like that of a teen girl, and it's not something I've ever dealt with before, its wicked and sucks! 

Yet, I know it's not over.
I've been the ugly duckling, black sheep for all my life.
And now this sick joke, is amplifying all that.

Just when I get a grip on my ever changing life, something else seems to drastically change.  I cannot even seem to be uncomfortably comfortable anymore. 

I would gladly go for uncomfortably comfortable at this point.

A little stability would be awesome!

And I am again so thankful Christ is the one and only thing that gives us that, he is the only stability we have.

If there was something I could tell people, it would be apperciate what you have, one day it could be gone.  And I know we all have heard that, but really....

I envy people who have a family

I don't

I am alone other than a couple of girlfriends

I don't have a single family member I can turn to

I've heard people as adults complain about their parents, but oh how I wish I had that.

I wish I had a mom or dad to call and cry on their shoulder.

Or to give me advice.

Divorce is one of the loneliness places to be, even more so when you have no family.

Forgotten and alone!

My new struggle in being a single woman and more a single mom, is not feeling forgotten and alone.

So often, I sit here feeling like I am just sitting on the outside looking in, seeing lives pass by, people moving on.  Everyone's lives continuing and happily at that.  And while I know looks can be deceiving, it's still painful to know all you really wanted was just what your seeing.

And more so, I struggle with everyone else having lives, and mine seems to have stalled.  And while I know God has not forgotten me, he has made that clear. "I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. "~ Isaiah 49:15

It seems as if the rest of the world has.  No one has time for me, everyone is overwhelmed with life and they don't have to stop and see how you are doing, and if you need anything.  While that's just life.... It sucks on the same hand.  I want to feel wanted and needed.  And while I look up scripture to make sure I know what God says, I also know that what I am feeling is human.  We were created that way.

It adds so much more complexity to it when your a single mom, the weight of the world in on your shoulders and everyone just passes you by, surely you seem to have it all together and if you don't it's ok you have God.  When really your soul is crying out.  For help, for someone to journey along side you.  Alongside your children.  My kids need a bunch of people, Godly men especially to go along side them right now.  So they can grow to be Christ like, every little bit of time they spend with their dad, is time the enemy is using to drag them away.  I am seeing in all the time now.  From " I don't like church now", to the school calling constantly lately over the older boys.  And it's taking its toll on me, I am beginning to feel defeated. 

I don't have people who are willing to come along side my boys, to show them what it looks like to be a good godly man, and that it's worth it.  

Because let's be real, yes we can be a single mom and figure it out.  But our kids need more than moms.  They need an army of people surrounding them telling them how important they are.  How loved they are.....

I absolutely hate when people say "you know I love you"!!!!  Seriously those words burn deep, for starters actions speak so much louder than words and if you don't make an effort to show someone they are important to you, or tell them.  How do they know? 

We go through life, on many different paths, journeys and we find people throughout our lives that are important.  But is everyone equally important in your life?  I don't personally believe that can be true...... You tell your kids you love them or your mate, and I would imagine your love for them is different than the poor person on the street corner.  I am sure your heart bleeds for certain people, but clearly if someone is truly important to you, you will make an effort to show them just that, and tell them.

I am just beginning to see the past few weeks, the strength and lack there of in my relationships that I am surrounded by.  I love deep and hard.  And if I am in your life it's because I Trust you!  Which is not something that comes easy.  And I think it's time I re-evaluate my relationships.  Not because I want from them.  But because I don't want to just be giving and getting nothing in return.

Now that doesn't mean I can't care about a lot of people ( I don't think I could if I tried), but that doesn't mean I need to keep putting in so much.  It means I step back and see if there really is anything there, rather than always being the one to put forth so much of myself.

And this is hard, I've been working on it the past few weeks, and it's taking constant prayer and asking God for guidance and strength.  This is not who I used to be.  I would give my all even if exhausted.  I would do whatever I could to prove I was worthy of being loved.  And that's the lesson God is teaching me.  He will without a doubt put people in my life who deserve me the way I am, and also who will continue to build me up not tear me down.

John 14:2-4 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” 

I still want to be a woman who loves her friends and neighbors passionately.  Who would give the shirt off her back and her spare time to help.  But I want to be in community with those who really want me and who also want to be in my kids lives.

I know God is already there, he has already started the work.  I've known it for weeks, when I felt him gentally nagging me that it was ok to take the first step.  In showing myself I am worth that.  I've never felt worthy regardless of how much I tried on my own to prove it.  I don't want someone to feel like they have to do anything with me, or call to check up unless its because their heart was prompted by love and care for me.  I want friends who want to spend time with me.

Psalm 143:8,10 Be still and know that I am God. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Teach me to do your will for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.

I've questioned for far too long, if something is wrong with me, even as I sit and write this.  Why has the world always walked out on me?  What is it about me that I can't be loved for who I am?  

I can't do that any longer, surely God is making me new and if he finds me beautiful, beloved, treasured then he will put people in my path who will feel the same way about me.

Isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

My dirty sinful nature

This blog post probably will not end up uplifting and for that I am sorry.... But on the other hand I am not sorry.  This is real, this is me, right where I am at.  And where I feel stuck and so incredibly broken I cannot seem to find my way out.  Despair is chipping away at my heart and my flesh is ever so present.

My marriage of almost 10 years, a relationship of 12 + years and 6 adorable children later.... It's just ending. Just like that.  No warning no answers really..... Just done.  He walked away.   Part of me would like to say I was blindsided and yet, I think I've known for two years it was coming. 

I've always believed in Christ, and my unbelieving husband has always been ok with me attending church and even taking my children since they were babies.  At times throughout our marriage he even attended with me.  However, two years ago my relationship with Christ changed, I was no longer a believer but yet I put my belief in action.  And I began a relationship with Christ.  That began to tear us apart. 

We were unevenly yoked from the beginning but now, my husband felt he lost me.  He felt like I did a bait and switch.  And while I can understand how hard that must of been.  I couldn't go back.  I wasn't the broken little girl I used to be.  The woman inside of me grew, she grew wings and blossomed into an individual who didn't find her worth in people especially just her husband and family being her value and worth.  She knew there was something so much bigger out there for her.  Not apart from her family but yet, he dug his feet into the ground and refused to move with her.  He couldn't grow with me because he didn't believe.

And no matter how many times my heart said "go back, you will lose everything by believing in Christ", I tried trust me I really tried.  But I couldn't....... Once I knew Christ there was no way of turning my back on him no matter how hard it was and how horrible I felt or how many times I yelled at God for allowing my marriage to be drifting further and further apart.

And being unevenly yoked was not the "real" issue in my marriage that made him want to divorce me.  The issue was I couldn't be unhappy anymore, I was alive on the inside and outside now.  That made him so uncomfortable.  He even admitted many times bravely that "I was not an insecure girl he met that he felt safe with".  Not that I was talking to other men, or anything of that sort.  But he was worried he would lose me.

And the big issue is my relationship with Christ made me look deep and hard at myself.  It changed me, from the inside..... it forced me to deal with the broken little girl I felt my identity was so wrapped into.  It made me no longer use my victim stance of being molested, abused, abandoned as an excuse anymore. And I truly believe the light in me forced him to look at the dark in him that he refused to get help to change and work on the brokenness of his life that he needed to.  

That right there drove us further and further apart.  His addiction to porn, was something for almost all of our relationship I felt I just had to live with.  I always adjusted my feelings, insecurities, unhappiness around that to just make him happy.  And yet, his addiction was a huge thing after my healthy discovery in Christ I couldn't live with anymore.  It didn't feel fair.  I wanted to be the only woman in his life.  I didn't want to feel next in line to some image in his broken world.  I wanted to be cherished.  Desired but not desired in the twisted way our society has told men I should be, knowing I will never be the girl in the video or on the magazine page.  I tried too many times even being a woman of God to still allow his addiction to change my morals and values. To try to satisfy a desire I have come to learn as a wife of a man addicted to porn will never be able to do.  I compromised so many times my values and beliefs in Christ for the sake of my marriage and his happiness.

I am three months into trying to conquer my new normal,  trying to figure out how to deal with the fall out of someone else's choice to give up.  Because in reality divorce is just that.  Someone gave up.  

Three months into trying to figure out this single parenting thing.  Not to one or two kids, but five kids.  It adds a whole new dimension when you have that many kids.  And three small kids not in school yet either. Three months of trying to let go of the dream of a perfect family, not the white picket fence.  Let's face it that's just plain ass bull s***.  It doesn't exist.  Marriage is messy and it takes a lot of work.  But yet, I wanted to be the successful one who's family wasn't broken.  I wanted to be the family who's mom and dad beat the odds and were still together.

Had I known what I know now in my 30's I would never have married so young and blinded.  I'm trying not to regret my marriage because 6 beautiful, breathtaking, little people came from it.  Life lessons came from it, hard painful... Pull my hair out, clinch my heart from a pain I didn't know was possible to feel outside of losing my son, daily struggle to juggle life as a single mom of 5.
Now I am only single friend out of all my friends, no more double dates, and feeling like a third wheel doesn't sound appealing.

But if I am honest I am so mad at myself..... That I didn't see this coming....that I can't change the fact my children's lives will forever be impacted by this decision he is making.  That a lot of times I can't fix their broken little hearts because I am not capable and I can't even fix me.  Not in the slightest. 

I am so beyond broken now.  I thought losing a child was the biggest thing that could ever happen, or maybe that was being molested at some point.  And now I am learning just how broken losing my husband is making me.  

I get so angry at God.... Angry he hasn't fixed this yet, that he would let me suffer right now, that he would let my children suffer.  And I know I will get steam for being angry and honestly that is the least of my worries.  He is big enough and if he is an all knowing God then surely he already knows my heart.  He hears the screams every single darn night from the pit of my soul.  He sees the tears that fall on my pillow every single night as I lay there alone, wondering how on earth I could have done something differently.  As I try to be patient and still so I can see his will for me.  When honestly sometimes I feel like his will for me is just crap..... It's painful and I want a darn break.

There are so many fears that come along with being single and single with 5 young children.  Money, what ifs , now what? (which I try really hard not to focus on), the aching inside my heart that makes me feel like I am going to die.  The loneliness that echos every night, the aching with every single flipping fiber in my body that just wants to be held.

Not someone to hold me and fix it because I know God is the only one who will accomplish that.  But someone to just hold me, let me cry, scream with me and say "I don't get it either, I would be scared and I would be so broken to"  Someone to ease the echoing dark consuming night for just a night.  To say me too!!!! 

I haven't sleep a single night more than an hour here or there totalling a few hours all night for three months.  I've tried so many over the counter and not over the counter sleep aides, I listen to the bible, I put on praise music, some times even sad music in prayer that if I just let it all out I can sleep.  And nope, some days I feel like I am being tortured with no sleep, like I'm being punished for something and until I figure it out or God makes it clear I won't sleep.  

No sleep makes you insane in your head, let me tell you wouldn't do it for fun.  I am exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually.  It makes you question everything about yourself, about God about the people around you.  Things pop into my head that would be life changers and yet real life stuff. 
Someone book me a big padded white room right now, I would be ok with that.  
Someday's I just don't know how to be a mom and it's so hard because I don't have that choice, I have to get up and face the world or at least my world. 

And on top of that I must be under some sort of spiritual attack, because for a few night off and on, the darkness is terrifying.  And last night was no exception to the rule.  Except last night I had a fear in me I have never in my entire life felt.  I texted several people reaching out which I never do at that time of night.  But the darkness was so thick, so deep, so over the top I was engulfed in it.  I couldn't move, I could hardly breath. All I could do was let the tears uncontrollably fall on my pillow and even those I tried to hide because this thing I felt was watching my every single move.  

I don't really know why I am putting this out there, other than I need to.  For me, for someone else who maybe this helps and really for an army or prayer warriors right now.  I need prayers I have never felt so afraid, and captive.  

Beauty from ashes, trusting HE will make all things right if I surrender to HIS Will, in all my ways acknowledging HIM so he can make my paths straight, trusting he will not allow this to crush me, that HE is with me, HE is my husband.

I know all of that, I have proof if I look back.  Somehow looking back isn't so painful but looking forward is.  My sinful flesh tells him I think I've experienced my fair share.  I would like a smooth ride for awhile.  Knowing he has asked me to lay down everything for HIM, and that includes my marriage and my husband.  

But wanting to pull back from him in pain, in my sinful distrusting heart that he will make all this right and not feeling foresaken. 

Shouting at God!

This has been a rough week, a first in my new normal... And yet I found myself clinging to Hope and then as a friend pointed out this week I also did a lot of toddler temper tantrum..... and stomping at God with a big fat "NOT FAIR".

It didn't get me anywhere, I allowed myself to sit in self pity and sorrow.  But I also know if I don't allow myself to sit there momentarily then I will prolong the process of grief over the loss of my marriage.  But I don't want to stay there.  That's what the enemy would like us to do.

Things just don't seem to be going as I thought I had them planned.  I am still dealing with the heartache of my husband walking away, clearly showing he had no interest in trying.  And I am still wrestling with the gaping hole of not even really understanding what went wrong.  I find myself stuck there a lot too.  How do you fix something when your really not sure why it wasn't working in the first place?  Sure we had our struggles like any marriage and it was hard.   Oh man is marriage hard.  But really divorce????.  I cut that word out of my vocabulary over 6 months ago.  I learned a dirty little trait from my broken family and that was to run.  So hell bent on staying,  I made sure I took divorce out of it.  But I did indeed think we needed to be apart for awhile to figure each of us out and then figure us out as a couple.  I just didn't see that big D word until I was smacked in the face with it.

I've found myself helpless this week with a close friend, wanting to make things better.... But really knowing it's not mine to fix.  So in that process trying to figure out so carefully how to love her well.  How to show her the beauty God really has and will bring out of this storm.  When sometimes I really have to fake it until I see it too..... Because my flesh wants to keep me there in wanting proof.  I have been blessed that I know I can look back and see proof of the past redemption he has already done.  And in my flesh my heart hurts for her.  My body feels it, in the way my heart feels squeezed, the shortening of my breath, the hot stinging tears building in my eyes and running down my face.  I want to make it better so why won't he????!!! Stomping my feet again like a immature child.  Pounding my fists, I want him to make it better now to stop the pain.  Her pain and my pain.  I want answers .  But I clearly have to remind myself he isn't done with her or me yet... And there is no way in heck he would bring either of us this far, to just leave us there.

Growing is so painful.... We've all been there and each of us has to grow through the pain and with the pain.  No one can do it for us.  Otherwise we as parents would take on all our kids immunizations, and broken bones, breakups and tragic situations like lung transplants, or even the death of a child.  But we can't.... How we grow as individuals is because of this "stuff".  It molds us all into amazing women, men, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, children, husbands and wives.  Without the "stuff" we would have no proof of God's amazing love and grace.  There would never have been a need for Jesus.

Sometimes though when the waves are really strong and I feel my lifeless body crash against the edges of the boat I don't feel him as much (and I am not feeling him because I think I am scared to feel him, like he is so mad at me or sad with my choices I am scared of what he may be thinking and how that touch could hurt), but he is clearly there.  I just haven't forgiven myself for falling short of what I think he wants of me or how I feel I am suppose to measure up.  I forget far too often that my sin has already been covered with the blood of Christ... It died on the cross with Jesus, and I rose anew with Christ.
Sometimes I think I hate myself so much I want him to abandon me so I don't have to fear the failure of the sin I am sinking in.  And other times I am not even sure what I have done, what sin I've let stain my life.

This week through a bible study I am partaking in we are working in Romans 12, and a few things caught my eye.
Romans 12 talks about offering our bodies to Christ and not conforming to the world but renewing our minds saying then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is.....His good , pleasing and perfect will.

In the mist of troubles and the storm.  When we are weary, and drenched with sin and our flesh we can't always see that.  But really verse 2 talking about renewing our minds, is so spot on.  If we accept the storms knowing his will is always best, nothing has slipped through his hands without his knowledge and if he didn't think it would benefit us or bring Glory to him he never would have allowed it to happen in the first place.  Our minds can be our worst enemy... Okay I will speak for myself.  My mind is absolutely my worst enemy and the enemy we have knows I struggle with the lies, with doubt with my sinful dirty rags of flesh.

I have to be constant in taking captive of my mind and the thoughts, if I don't.... No matter how big my savior is I will sink.  I am my own worst enemy and my thoughts which are not true and correct in following what Christ says about me allow me to sink.  I self sabotage.... Where if I renew my mind, take captive my thoughts that I know if I step back I would see untruth and renew them to only be what he says about me, what the truth he has spoken..then I see what perfect will HE has for me, for you... For us.

Verse 12 talks about love in action... It says "be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer"
When I step back and think about being joyful in Hope, I think about how I am so run down with my circumstances... My lack of sleep, my sadness about being alone, my worth being my divorce and lack of family.  I am not being joyful in Hope I am clinging purely to my present circumstances.  Where if I sit and think about the Hope that will come of this.  That my lack of sleep has brought me closer to the Lord and opening a bible, even if I did it to help a friend in the beginning.  I couldn't help but soak in God's truth, his plan for her but really it was for me too! My sadness about being alone has given no excuse not to search for Christ more and lean on him solely right now.  My worth being found in family and a husband has forced me to look at what I do have, those who I am so grateful for that still stand by my side, those who are cheering me on.  And not just cheering me on but finding the Hope for the woman God created me to be come forth.
It's hard to be patient in affliction when we feel so weighed down, restless, anxious and honestly a little crazy in my head.  Sleep has left my house, I feel a little nuts and foggy headed.  Patience is the last thing I want to find.  Because I am so inpatient with myself even... And inpatient with God.  He is not making this better and it doesn't feel like he cares.  I feel tortured some days and like he is just allowing it to happen which provokes anger.

Then I step back.... And remember Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight"
And go ok, as the rear view mirror clearly shows I didn't get losing my son, being molested, abused..... But through all of that I was redeemed.  I was willing to allow him to use it, in HIS timing not mine.  And beauty was brought from it.  So is I am patient in this affliction then I will come out the other side, fighting it only makes it worse on my heart and soul.  That doesn't mean I sit back and say "ok God torture me if you must", but when these times come I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you ", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not hard you, plans to give you hope and a future".

I also need to be faithful in prayer.... It's the deepest connections to my heavenly father I will ever have, even if I have things on my mind that may not be so loving.  I need to speak them.  It shows my trust in him to handle it, my love for him in confessing those things.  Even if it's anger.  Keeping things from anyone only really hurt you in the long run.  It would be like not telling your spouse something they did that bothered you, or a friend who said something that really hurt your feelings.  Sure you can keep it in... See how that helps.  I've learned the hard way, it almost always hurts you more than it hurts them.  God's big enough he can take it.... And really I'm only fooling myself if I don't speak them to him.  Because guess what?  He's all knowing so if I don't speak them.  It's like a child lying to a parent so they don't get into trouble, or to avoid hurting their feelings.  He already knows.....  You can't hide it forever.  If you don't lay it all down with him in the end, you suffer because you allowed your feelings, current circumstances keep you from being open with him, so that he can begin to show you what he already planned in the first place, it's where we get so anxious thinking we already know what's best for ourselves, and our timing is best.

Where really how often does our planning work out ?  For me it didn't here I am awaiting court for a divorce.  All my planning, hard work and half ass work didn't pay off.

So I challenge you and myself... Dig deep.... Push hard.... Love hard.... and trust the rocking of the boat, the ones that make your stomach turn and you get blue in the face cramming yourself to the tightest part of the ship to throw up......... because holding it in won't benefit you..... the ones where the waters come over the edge and you think your going to sink.  We have a mighty Savior who walks on water.  He has this..... If he rose for the dead like he promised then we can certainly trust his perfect will for us.

Those moments that leave you breathless.......

I am so very thankful for a God who breathes the breath of life into my soul when I feel like I can't take a single breath more......

I've had a few rough patches the past two years.  Three specific events that have left me sad, and broken and even a little breathless.  Or at least that's the way I've felt.

This last moment or event.... Knocked me on my butt, grabbing my chest and crying deep screams into the pit of my very being.  I think somewhere deep inside I thought this moment would be coming.... You know the kind of sensations that tell you something is going to happen and something is wrong?  Some call it gut feeling.  But I did what I have learned to do so well.  Ignore it, push it down and pray I am wrong.  Then a month ago, it all fell apart.

My marriage that is... My husband said the dreaded words he told me 18 months ago.  And 12 years to the month we moved into together and became a serious item.  Divorce.  It's an ugly word.  It means someone gave up, didn't want to try.  And something in me wanted to beg him to change his mind.  Not even beg but almost look like a fool and desperate.  And really I am desperate for him.  I can't imagine my life without him, I can't picture moving on, even just to learn how to be me.  Independent and courageous.  I can't picture our family without him.  I am self fish I want that dream, the one I dreamt so long ago.

Not the white picket fence, beautiful kids (even though I do believe God gifted me the most beautiful children), lots of money to never have to worry.  That wasn't my dream.  I just had this dream of being successful at having a family who stayed together, being really loved by my spouse, enjoying and laughing. Creating memories that my children would cherish.  Not having kids from a broken home and a blended family.  He was in my vision plan 20 years from now.... We were laughing and talking on our patio in my vision.

And now I must recreate a vision to be missing a piece I don't know how to live without.  I know and I am so very thankful for a God with a vision far exceeding what I think I need and want.  He already knows what is awaiting me and my kids.

It's in these breathless moments my flesh is stronger than ever..... Questioning why me???? How could be divorce be a good plan?  How is having my kids from a broken home good?  Where is the goodness in all of this?  Wouldn't my marriage being restored be good, that surely would bring such great glory to God....

My flesh is filled with pride because I don't want to have to admit I cannot provide for my kids, I have to tell them no a lot now.  It's only been a month and I've had to say no and remind them of the heartbreaking reality that mommy has no money.  My pride is so strong willed right now because I am at the full mercy of my ex husband to provide for my kids, to take care of me.  Before I met him I provided for myself from the age of 14 on I had a job.  I knew how to be responsible.  And being a stay at home mom for so long and having 3 small kids still out of school, has left me dependent on him still.   And I'm weak in his eyes.
Pride that this Christmas I will have to learn to put away somehow just so my kids can experience even a small Christmas.  Trying to find programs that will help me is so humbling on one hand and yet so humiliating on the other.  This is not a place I ever thought I would find myself in.

My flesh won't let me see myself the way God sees me.  I try and fight my flesh often and know that I am precious and God sees something I cannot compherend.  But I feel so broken right now.  More broken than I can put into words, which is why I decided to come here to write.  I know I cannot be the only one.  I cannot be the only one fighting for a marriage to be restored when the other party is clearly done and has no will or even love anymore.

My flesh has envy right now, I want what others have.  A husband to help them feel secure and treasured.  And I am beginning to think that was never Gods plan for me.  But my flesh makes me fall hard wanting it.  I want to be treasured by someone and feel special..... irreplaceable.

The next big moment will be this weekend when he will take the kids for the first time for a whole weekend.  Where my little ones will stay the night somewhere other than home.  And yes, I know I've been told how good this will be for them.  On one hand I am grateful that they will get to learn how to sleep somewhere other than home.  They are used to other people being here with them, but never sleeping somewhere than the comfort of their beds.  I've been praying to God to please make this seem like a fun thing for them, not something of torture.
But my heart still hurts for them.  Listening to the older ones talk about how sad they are, the younger ones don't seem to care or even get it yet.

But splitting holidays and not having my kids will be so hard.  Thanksgiving this year will be alone..... I mean completely alone.  No family around and my kiddos with their dad.  Christmas won't be too bad I have them this year he has them for Christmas Eve..I am so thankful for that.  Since he is an unbeliever I am grateful this year I can celebrate the true meaning as always with them, keep the normal traditions the same for one more year.

So many new firsts are coming... So much hurt... So many moments I know I will find myself at the foot of the cross again needing my savior, my healer and my redeemer more than ever.  I am trying so hard to push some of this down.  Knowing feelings are deceiving and this isn't permanent I just have to look beyond the cross.

I just want to not feel so broken tonight.... I want sleep that has been keeping a far distance because soon I will need to be put into a nut house if I don't sleep.  The nights seem so much longer than ever before.  I find myself praying the serenity prayer over and over, and my life verses.  I find comfort usually in these simple things.  And I am looking to Christ to be my husband while I don't have one, but it's lonely.  Sometimes you really do learn the hard way you took things for granted.  I always thought the strong smell of his body wash in the mornings would wake me up, that he tossing and turning in the bed would always keep me awake to a point of annoyance.  And then one day it's gone.... And I don't want to be lonely my flesh wants him back so badly.

I hate the flesh of this world, and I can't wait till everything I know is true about God and the promises he has made come true.  I have to learn to be patient and not conform with the rest of the world.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And 

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

The groans......................

At times I am sure we have all been there.... When the only thing we can mutter is groans from the bottom of our being.  A cry so deep you aren't sure where it came from.  Breathing that simply is fast, if breathing at all.

I've found myself there.  And at moments I am not sure how I will get by, other than I am quickly reminded by my next breath that God is sustaining me.

Cancer was never something I thought would play a role in my life, denial maybe or maybe lack of I've already been through hell that won't happen.

It did..... And let me tell you how lonely that horrible word/disease can be.  Some day's ok most days all I can muster is groans.  I am not sure how to talk, or if I did what I would say.

I find myself isolating because I am not sure what I need, or in this season of my life I don't want to depend on anyone.  I am so lucky for a few friends who refuse to let me stay hidden away.

My life has changed so drastically in just a few short months.  I am on my third week of chemo and radiation.  And most days once again I am not sure how I will get through.  I know the strength of my God is all I have, nothing else is sure.  And alone I am doomed.

When the word cancer was first thrown at me, I remember being angry.... really angry that I had this next big thing to get through.  And I struggled really hard with keeping my head in to today.  It kept wondering to all the "what ifs?"  the "how's?".  Then as the months have gone on.  The anger has left and really that left quickly when I realized why not me?. ... And now after weeks of treatment I am learning a lot about myself and about those around me.
It really is true that in really hard times you learn who your friends are.  This should be a time when they rally around you, support you, pray with and for you, step up in any way possible.  I am blessed for a few of those good friends and others I guess I've learned to accept them for who they are, and in spite of who they are love them as best as I still can because that's what I have been called to do.  Despite what and how they are.

Last week as I ended week 2 of treatment I found myself in despair.... I was sick, and so sick at that.  I found my ability to function being compromised by the treatment and I was disheartened.  Even though in those moments I didn't lean on God he carried me.  The next day I found myself in a different place, making amends for my emotions the day prior to those around me.  Learning there is nothing ordinary about cancer and the treatment that comes with it.

I could sit and cry all day because inside that's how lonely cancer can feel, and how it messes with your head and your ability to see and function clearly.  But I promised myself before treatment that I refused to let cancer define my life and I wanted to make the most of each moment.  To soak in the love of those who really loved me, make priorities and live each day to the best I could that day.  So some days it meant I layed bed bound because of how sick I was.  I lay'd with my kids, with God's word and that was it.  Others it was phone calls and lunch, or a Rockies game.  Knowing those vary things would knock me on my butt for maybe even the day following.  And I didn't want to become a vegetable, and lay around so that was hard and some days I ended up doing zumba even if it wasn't to the best, I still did it and that's an achievement.

I know for myself the enemy will grab a hold of me when I lay around, he knows when I feel lonely he has a chance at stealing my joy and making my heart go to all the hard, painful places and things that sit in my life.  So I have been so determined not to stay there if possible.  And of course if I said "Oh that's easy peasy"  I would be lying.  Because I do have a few heartbreaking things in my life and they seem to pop up very often, and I tend to question myself and who I am.  But I have challenged myself to remember who I am in God.

Cancer and treatment is not a journey for the light hearted.  I have learned and heard some stupid/not compassionate things come out of people's mouths.  Some people react heartbroken at my news others want me to buck up and face it and be ok with it.

I have sometimes wondered "why?"  throughout these past few months.  And wondering why... is not effective.  I wish to embrace this and show God's beauty through another trial God has placed or allowed to be placed before me.
I am a better person because of cancer....I surrendered to the test and I will walk out of it a better child of God, a better wife, mom, friend and hopefully cheerleader for someone else one day.

Because what people who are walking in these shoes need...... are people.

People on good days to laugh at yourself with ( you know when you can't remember a thing and feel like your 80 and have lost your mind), people to cry with that can throw their arms around you and remind you that even if you feel like you can't make it one more day, that you will, you can and you are. People to help hold your hair back while you are throwing up, people who bring you food knowing you may not feel like eating....  Really for me I really need people to laugh with because cancer SUCKS.... And there is already enough pain and tears.  Thank you Jesus that in my worst days I am love-able, I am not cancer I am still the same Angela everyone once knew.

I am so thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ because without him this would be a much different journey.  I want to be someone that others on this path will find HOPE in Christ in, that they too will see a different way of walking through one of life's most challenging, painful times.